• Sashlik (unregistered)

    Safety comment (and first btw)

  • Someone You Know (cs)

    "The Learnings"?

  • Anon (unregistered)

    While they are quite amusing, I don't think the safety scans are particularly WTFy. Walking into a door is a bit of a silly example (although I'm sure it was hilarious to see), but sneezing while operating, say, a table saw could result in a serious injury. So if you feel like you need to sneeze, you should probably stop the table saw or at least step away from it. The irony of people being injured by the first aid box though is just beautiful.

    Note: I've smoothed the sharp edges off this post for everybody's safety - You're welcome!

  • Anon (unregistered) in reply to Someone You Know
    Someone You Know:
    "The Learnings"?

    I hear that all the time and I have to agree, it really sounds stupid. So what are your learnings from this post?

  • Steeldragon (cs) in reply to Anon
    Anon:
    Someone You Know:
    "The Learnings"?

    I hear that all the time and I have to agree, it really sounds stupid. So what are your learnings from this post?

    nothing, though it was interesting.

  • Robo (unregistered)

    "Alright children, everyone take out a safety pencil and a circle of paper."

  • Dirge (unregistered)

    Please tell me this is from the UK, the land where no matter how ridiculously extreme their "safety" Gestapo were last year, this year they will find a way to outdo themselves.

    Yes, even the year after they've mandated that all citizens remain at home encased in three meters of foam padding, and conduct all physical activities via telepresence waldo.

  • St Mary's Hospital for the Trampled Plant (unregistered) in reply to Someone You Know
    Someone You Know:
    "The Learnings"?

    Since Borat it is quite normal. Plus, this word really says what it means...

  • Skute (unregistered) in reply to Dirge

    I'm guessing not, as one of the examples used the word "faucet". Or "tap", as we call it in the UK :)

  • Skizz (cs)

    I remember a safety e-mail that was sent to all employees in a company I worked at many years ago. It went along the lines of: don't drive cars after a large lunch. The reason being, a full stomach after eating makes people feel drowsy and more prone to falling asleep. Falling asleep whilst driving a car would be bad.

    Skizz

  • pitchingchris (cs) in reply to Anon
    Anon:
    While they are quite amusing, I don't think the safety scans are particularly WTFy. Walking into a door is a bit of a silly example (although I'm sure it was hilarious to see), but sneezing while operating, say, a table saw could result in a serious injury. So if you feel like you need to sneeze, you should probably stop the table saw or at least step away from it. The irony of people being injured by the first aid box though is just beautiful.

    Note: I've smoothed the sharp edges off this post for everybody's safety - You're welcome!

    This is the office that we're talking about - I don't think we'd be encouraged to use a table saw in the office.

  • Corion (unregistered)

    These flyers would provide for an excellent image editing contest base.

    "Make up your own Safety PSA"

  • Studley (unregistered)

    What if too many people walk into the plant? Will they place a tiger in front of it?

  • sagaciter (rocking the captchah, rocking the captchah...) (unregistered)

    Corporate imbeciles with too much time on their hands. Let the recession and the usual darwinism take car of this.

  • Florian Junker (unregistered) in reply to Studley

    I think a moat would be more appropriate.

  • Eric (unregistered)

    Yeah... all 1500 people in the engineering division (95% desk jobs) of VLC (Very Large Company) where I work had to have a half-hour meeting with our supervisors because someone turned around too quickly and walked into a pole, requiring first aid. The meeting was supposed to address how to prevent an incident like that from occurring again... apparently their solution was to keep us in meetings so we're not walking around.

  • werecougar (unregistered)

    Quite amusing, especially since I now work for a company OBSESSED with safety. Obsessed well beyond the point of silliness.

    At a previous job, I got an email that went something like this:


    Subject: Please wear shoes in the breakroom

    All: Someone dropped a coffee pot in the break room, and we've swept up most of the glass we could find. But, just to be safe, please don't go barefoot into the breakroom.

    Kinda shows how casual we were with the dress code. :)

  • joelkatz (cs)

    There was a great lawsuit involving a child that had fallen out of the top bunk and a claim that the manufacturer of the bed had failed to warn about the risks of falls. A jury issued an award, but an appeals court invalidated it holding that no warning would possibly have made any difference since everyone knows about gravity.

    I mean, come on. Even a one-year old fears falling.

  • TB3 (unregistered)

    I had a co-op job at a Canadian government office. There was a sign on every door to the stairwell: "Caution! Stairs. Use handrail."

  • Anon (unregistered)

    My cousin's husband (we call him Doofus) leaned on my keyboard tray when they were up visiting, with predictable results. Now the tray has a few extra angle brakets for support, and he isn't allowed near the system without the accompaniment of someone with an IQ higher than a tree stump.

  • Procedural (unregistered)

    SAFETY ALERT

    The Event

    On April 11, 2009, a reader gently applied his palm to his face while reading a blog, dirtying his glasses in the process. The reader was mildly incapacitated and unable to focus until proper emergency cleaning supplies could be located. The bigger dangers were avoided, but the situation could have deteriorated at any moment.

    The Learning

    The risks associated with reading blogs should not be underestimated. Contact with sheer human stupidity of any kind should be avoided at all times (see our follow-up memo for readers of this missive)

    Don't laugh people; office safety is nothing to sneeze at.

  • Campbell (unregistered)

    Reminds me of urine colour comparison charts we had above the urinals at work - sort of like universal pH comparison charts with bands of yellow varying from light "you're ok" to dark "see the nurse". The idea was that we could compare our urine colour to see if we were dehydrated or not. Admittedly we were often outside in 40+ Celsius heat but it all seemed over-the-top to most of us who weren't Darwin award candidates.

  • RayS (cs)

    Aaah health and safety, how I love thee.

    Back in the day, when Management didn't understand powerpoint (if only they still didn't!) the task of editing the borrowed health and safety presentations to fit our company fell to me. Mostly this was replacing [Company X]'s logo with our own, removing parts that didn't apply, etc.

    A combination of being cheesed off with the lousy insulting presentations, and being the poor sap tasked with changing them led to a few choice edits along the way.

    To cut a long story short, the H&S people ended up doing a presentation including such helpful information "how not to die when opening a door", "top 10 safety tips when ascending stairs" and "the myriad dangers of the shared fridge".

  • Herman (unregistered)

    Welcome to Retard Inc. where the management is so retarded they think everyone else it as well.

    Please be careful while printing safety memo's, as paper cuts might occur.

  • LordLandon (unregistered)
    Comment held for moderation.
  • pjt33 (cs)

    At a previous job I somehow managed to cut myself while moving desk - probably a sharp edge on my computer's case, although I didn't notice when I did it and I didnt try to repeat the trick. I duly went off to the first aid box, but while I could find plasters there was no antiseptic of any kind. When I enquired about this I was told that some people are allergic to it. I still don't understand why they couldn't have the qualified first aiders keep it under lock and key and administer it - it's not likely that someone could reach adulthood without discovering an allergy to TCP, is it?

  • Tuxie (unregistered)

    [This comment has been deleted FOR YOUR PROTECTION.]

  • LarZ (cs)

    (\'/) (_(.)_)```A plant has been placed in front of this ```(/|\)````post for your protection. You must deal with(_,|__the plant before you can deal with this ````_|_(\post. If you still run into this post, ````|_| '```please complain to someone.

  • JH (unregistered)

    SAFETY ALERT

    The Event

    On April 9, 2009, a dog begged for food at the table of an office worker at home. Whilst feeding the dog the worker accidentally got bitten and had to endure a minor pain lasting approximately 23 seconds.

    The Learning

    Make sure to wear appropriate safety equipment while feeding animals such as dogs and/or the ferocious honey badgers.

  • idfk (unregistered)

    I think the obvious solution is to get keyboard trays that ARE load-bearing.

    Now, Lowe's sells some good high-quality ones that are guaranteed to 100 pounds. If we can build a little redundancy in...

  • step21 (unregistered)

    This is from the UK, right? They have lots of these stupidities and everybody seems to treat their employees like children ...

  • Basda (unregistered)

    In my office (I live in Spain) the hardest "security rule" we have is... to not use reflective desks! Yes, as it turns out, desks with a reflective surface (such as glass) may reflect light that comes through windows and even from the ceiling, and this is a "potential risk for employees eyes".

    Maybe I should start thinking of working with sunglasses on...

  • travisowens (cs) in reply to Corion
    Corion:
    These flyers would provide for an excellent image editing contest base.

    "Make up your own Safety PSA"

    That seems like a good idea but I doubt a satire could be any funnier than the truth, in this case.

  • Anonymous (unregistered)

    Oh my God, I feel a sneeze coming on and there are obstacles literally ALL AROUND ME! I need a health and safety officer NOW!!

  • Fishbone (unregistered)

    I bet someone died because they didn't find the first aid box behind the plant...

  • lamcro (unregistered)

    I once dislocated my shoulder while sneezing.
    Another friend crashed his car because of it. No joke.

  • Hmm (unregistered) in reply to Dirge
    Dirge:
    Please tell me this is from the UK, the land where no matter how ridiculously extreme their "safety" Gestapo were last year, this year they will find a way to outdo themselves.

    Yes, even the year after they've mandated that all citizens remain at home encased in three meters of foam padding, and conduct all physical activities via telepresence waldo.

    Probably from the US, where if anyone does do something stupid of their own accord, they'll sue.

  • Merijn (unregistered)

    I was just so flabbergasted to read these. Even while working as a consultant in fairly large banks and it-corporations I have never ever met such a leaflet. Apparently they don't exist in my country, the Netherlands? If they do I'd love to be proven wrong and read some dutch safety-instructions for the fun of it.

  • millsapian87 (unregistered)

    "Every safety rule, no matter how stupid it sounds, is written in the blood of some poor bastard who screwed it up before."

  • lamcro (unregistered)

    Was there also an event regarding paper cuts?

  • Mike (unregistered) in reply to millsapian87
    millsapian87:
    "Every safety rule, no matter how stupid it sounds, is written in the blood of some poor bastard who screwed it up before."

    Or in other cases, photoshopped from pictures of the minor bruising...

  • Pol (unregistered) in reply to Procedural
    Procedural:
    SAFETY ALERT ...On April 11, 2009...

    Isn't today 11th March...not April?!

  • JamesQMurphy (cs)

    I'd like to know how they were able to photograph the sneeze/head bump while it was happening. That's even more impressive than photographing lightning.

  • Don't get it (unregistered)

    That's nothing. At our office we were sat down to watch a safety film.

    No, it wasnt about the dangers of asbestos (although we had asbestos coated pipes nearby).

    No, it wasnt about the dangers of freezing offices (air conditioning too strong and no good thermostats).

    No, it wasnt about the dangers of falling through holes in the floor (suspended floor with quite a few holes cut in it).

    No, it wasnt about any actual danger.

    It was 22 minutes of about how it WAS A GOOD IDEA TO BE SAFE.

    During this cinematic epic, a bunch of office workers are sitting around a table and their characters develop-- they go from being very casual about how they think about safety, to finally deciding, you know, it would be a good idea to think safety is a good thing. Curtain falls. Stunned looks all around instead of the expected wild applause.

  • Osno (unregistered)

    Reminds me of almost every sexual harrasment (however you write that) I've ever seen. I understand they're trying to avoid being sued because someone sneezed near a door... but it's still pretty insulting for anyone smart enough to operate a door. Gladly where I live security is almost non-existent and sexual harrasment is something we watch in american movies.

  • Osno (unregistered) in reply to Osno
    Osno:
    Reminds me of almost every sexual harrasment (however you write that) I've ever seen. I understand they're trying to avoid being sued because someone sneezed near a door... but it's still pretty insulting for anyone smart enough to operate a door. Gladly where I live security is almost non-existent and sexual harrasment is something we watch in american movies.
    *sexual harrasment video
  • cparker (cs) in reply to Anonymous
    Anonymous:
    Oh my God, I feel a sneeze coming on and there are obstacles literally ALL AROUND ME! I need a health and safety officer NOW!!
    YOUR HEAD ASPLODE
  • Politico (unregistered) in reply to Osno
    Osno:
    Reminds me of almost every sexual harrasment (however you write that) I've ever seen. I understand they're trying to avoid being sued because someone sneezed near a door... but it's still pretty insulting for anyone smart enough to operate a door. Gladly where I live security is almost non-existent and sexual harrasment is something we watch in american movies.

    Where is that? Afghanistan?

  • Anonymous Coward (unregistered)

    In an earlier workplace of mine, everyone received the Safety & Health rules and information and everyone had to sign that it's read and understood.

    The rules contained that all phones should have the emergency numbers listed on them. In the office there were about 150 phones, but there was no emergency number listed in any of them.

    When I duly noted this problem, before giving my signature, the office manager was not too happy. And you know what? Instead of going around with stickers to put on the phone to show the emergency numbers, they simply removed that particular sentence from an updated version of the rules.

    Complete disregard of health and safety or what?

  • Jay (unregistered)

    I was once written up during a "safety inspection" because I had placed an object on top of a book case. The safety officer explained to me that it was against the rules to put anything on top of a bookcase because it might fall on someone's head and cause injury. In this case, the object I had put on top of the bookcase was my felt hat. I told the safety officer that, (a) if a felt hat plummeted the one or two feet from the top of the bookcase and landed on someone's head, it was unlikely to cause injury, and (b) as the bookcase was in my cubicle, the most likely head for the hat to fall on was my own, and if my hat fell onto my head, I might as well take that as a sign that I should just leave it there, put on my coat to match it, and go home.

    She was, of course, not amused by my response. Safety officers take their jobs very seriously. Which leads me to the corollary: People who have the most pointless jobs always seem to take them the most seriously.

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