Invasion of the Consultants

  • manias 2013-02-19 08:07
    I thought Marc said thre aren't any concerns, so I was mighty confused until the end of the article.
  • dpm 2013-02-19 08:07
    This would be funnier if it were not so grossly exaggerated; all the sci-fi references are just gilding a potential lily.
  • pedxing 2013-02-19 08:08
    Commenting is futile!
  • The Count 2013-02-19 08:11
    The RWTF is what happened to the fith consultant?
  • Sam 2013-02-19 08:15
    massive IT efforts were required. The Consultants had constructed the project plan without ever discussing the matter with IT.
    After reading this I had to check the author -- I was sure it was going to be snoofle.
  • Rick 2013-02-19 08:15
    I got first post today. I merely failed to document it.
  • Steve The Cynic 2013-02-19 08:16
    So "Requirements are 100% complete" means, unexpectedly (?), that requirements gathering might be able to be considered complete, but the requirements analysis and publication (the hard part) are not even begun.

    Oh, and black pudding is not "pudding" in the normal American sense of that word. It is a sort of blood sausage, and the word "thick" doesn't really seem appropriate, except perhaps as a measure of its diameter.

    In Britain, of course, it is famous for being the weapon of choice of the practitioners of the martial art of Ecky Thump. And if you don't know what I am talking about, go look it up. Beware, because goggle will find pages containing 'icky' if you don't put "Ecky" in quotes.
  • Andrew 2013-02-19 08:17
    Tester: "There's still that bug with [problem statement]!"
    Me: "What is the issue number?"
    Tester: "I haven't entered it in [bug tracking software] yet."
    Me: "If it's not been recorded, then it doesn't exist."

    We've successfully extended this attitude to requirements. Product quality has been pretty good.
  • Sockatume 2013-02-19 08:19
    Steve, you're overlooking the other factual error in that black pudding is delicious.
  • ObiWayneKenobi 2013-02-19 08:19
    Outline resembles the inferior species known as Consultants. EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

    -----
    Consultant Leader: Daleks, be warned. You have declared war upon the Consultants.
    Dalek Sec: This is not war. This is pest control!
    Consultant Leader: We have five million Consultants. How many are you?
    Dalek Sec: Four.
    Consultant Leader: You would destroy the Consultants with four Daleks?
    Dalek Sec: We would destroy the Consultants with one Dalek! You are superior in only one respect.
    Consultant Leader: What is that?
    Dalek Sec: You are better at dying.

    Addendum (2013-02-19 08:37):
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBSOhODoch0
  • Jack 2013-02-19 08:20
    Yesterday we went live with an extremely simple web site that took two years to build anyway. The first PM quit a year in when we were just short of launch, and all work done to date mysteriously disappeared. The site that is live now bears very little resemblance to the thing we tested for 8 weeks in QA. I cannot even imagine the depth of WTFFFFFFFFF that made that possible.

    Yeah I gave them written requirements at the start (two years ago, remember). Those requirements have changed very little. But they ignored them and built what they wanted instead, which now, doesn't work.

    Can I get some Consultants. Please??
  • Riccardo 2013-02-19 08:23
    Marc, those aren't the requirements you're looking for!
  • Remy Porter 2013-02-19 08:26
    I almost used Yorkshire pudding instead, which is closer to a pudding and is also vile.
  • Steve The Cynic 2013-02-19 08:28
    Sockatume:
    Steve, you're overlooking the other factual error in that black pudding is delicious.

    I wouldn't know - I've never actually tried it. Americans in general have some odd ideas about food, especially the less steak-like parts of pigs and cows. When I lived in the outskirts of Nashua (New Hampshire) in the late 80s, there was, across the road, a full-service butcher's shop. They were able to provide kidneys at a silly-small price because it was better to sell them to me at fifty cents a pound than to just throw them away because for some reason, most Americans won't eat kidneys, and some will look at you like you're stark staring mad if you say you like them.

    And I'm happy, because I just got back from lunch where I had ... kidneys!
  • Remy Porter 2013-02-19 08:33
    It's even worse- I believe it's illegal to sell the kidneys. I know it's illegal to sell the lung, which is why you can't make "real Haggis" in the US. It's hard to get offal in the US, which is sad, because I'd be up for trying some.
  • Steve The Cynic 2013-02-19 08:34
    Remy Porter:
    I almost used Yorkshire pudding instead, which is closer to a pudding and is also vile.

    There's only one word for you here.

    "Wrong".

    Although I'm tempted to add a second word.

    "Philistine" or maybe "Heathen".

    And if your Yorkshire pudding is measurable with the word "thick" (other than a measure of dimensions) it hasn't been cooked enough to set properly.

    Properly made and cooked YP will set, and be that correctly-cooked colour sometimes called "golden brown". It should have risen a bit around the edges, and for the best results, you pour the batter into the roasting tin, with the joint of beef on a rack above it. If you do this, the YP catches all the meat juices and tastes just heavenly. Making gravy from the juices is a bit of a problem afterwards if you do this, but you can't win them all.
  • ubersoldat 2013-02-19 08:34
    ObiWayneKenobi:
    You are better at dying.


    I'm going to write that one down for my next collision with any consultant.
    Although I actually work with many of them on a daily basis, and they're usually very helpful, I totally despise those who come with the "consultant" role written all over their suits.


    Me: Here, this is the architecture of our BI system which has been working for five years providing reports and stuff without much maintenance effort
    Big BI firm consultant: Wait, is this Java? And what is that Python thing?
    Me: Yeah, that's why it works
    Big BI firm consultant: yeah, we're going to set you up with "SuperMegaCorp BI Solution" because it's better.
    Me: Consultants are the best! The best dying!

    OTOH, TRWTF is that the forum and the articles use different formats for commenting (just had to remove a whole lot of HTML code from my comment, so yes, I'm pissed). So I got ask, Alex, when are you moving this to Discourse?
  • Steve The Cynic 2013-02-19 08:41
    Remy Porter:
    It's even worse- I believe it's illegal to sell the kidneys. I know it's illegal to sell the lung, which is why you can't make "real Haggis" in the US. It's hard to get offal in the US, which is sad, because I'd be up for trying some.


    Hmm. When I lived there (over 20 years ago, how time flies when you're having fun), it wasn't illegal, or not in the states where I lived (NY, NH, MA), because you could sometimes (but not so often) get them in normal supermarkets. The main reason for their scarcity did seem to be related to a dislike of the idea of eating something that does what kidneys do.

    Then again, that was before all the BSE stuff blew up in Britain. It later caused problems in the US - a colleague at the US branch of a company I worked for around 2000 was banned from giving blood in the US because he had spent too much time in the UK, eating potentially contaminated meat.
  • justsomedudette 2013-02-19 08:47
    Remy Porter:
    I almost used Yorkshire pudding instead, which is closer to a pudding and is also vile.
    Remy 'conify' Porter wash your mouth out!

    And then get yourself a flight over here, you clearly are in need of some cultural training.

    Captcha - populus, Remy wasn't very populus with the Brits.
  • Ironside 2013-02-19 08:50
    "The tension in the conference room was thicker than black pudding"

    "Marc did not slam his face into the table until he lost consciousness"

    Today I found 2.

    paratus
  • Al 2013-02-19 08:57
    OK

    Not living with steak and kidney pie, Yorkshire pudding with gravy, or a couple of slices of black pudding with you breakfast fry-up would be a personal WTF.

    My personal experience is that the consultants get paid a large amount of money to recommend that you spend more money on their own IT services whilst the internal IT may in return be given a few days and no information on the requirements to quote for work to be done within the company. Guess the consultants have a sales team and internal IT teams don't so you can never win.
  • ZPedro 2013-02-19 09:01
    And the Collective was defeated by good old-fashioned Vulcan logic. It's something I like about the Agile framework: if there is no deliverable demonstrating something, then that thing does not exist.
  • Mike 2013-02-19 09:01
    I'm sure that brains, because the BSE, are illegal to sell, so it's now impossible to eat deep fried brains, like these

    http://ricette.donnamoderna.com/var/ezflow_site/storage/images/media/images/ricette-importate/secondo/carne/cervella-fritta-dorata/piatto-pronto-portauova-uova-cervello-tagliere-ciotola-ciotolina-legno-formaggio-cucchiaini-di-legno/39165231-1-ita-IT/piatto-pronto-portauova-uova-cervello-tagliere-ciotola-ciotolina-legno-formaggio-cucchiaini-di-legno_dettaglio_ricette_slider_grande3.jpg
  • Bobby Tables 2013-02-19 09:01
    Remy Porter:
    I almost used Yorkshire pudding instead, which is closer to a pudding and is also vile.


    You are horrifingly wrong. Yorkshire pudding is ambrosia.
  • dgvid 2013-02-19 09:04
    "Documentation is irrelevant. Your archaic cultures are process-driven."
  • MrBester 2013-02-19 09:04
    Steve The Cynic:
    Hmm. When I lived there (over 20 years ago, how time flies when you're having fun), it wasn't illegal, or not in the states where I lived (NY, NH, MA), because you could sometimes (but not so often) get them in normal supermarkets. The main reason for their scarcity did seem to be related to a dislike of the idea of eating something that does what kidneys do.

    Then again, that was before all the BSE stuff blew up in Britain. It later caused problems in the US - a colleague at the US branch of a company I worked for around 2000 was banned from giving blood in the US because he had spent too much time in the UK, eating potentially contaminated meat.


    That's a bit rich, considering how many haemophiliacs in UK got Hep C from contaminated blood products from US.

    Aside: Captcha has been used before as autocomplete suggested it. Nice.
  • Andrew 2013-02-19 09:16
    This is definitely WTF, but I'm not a fan of meeting room melodrama.
  • operagost 2013-02-19 09:27
    The Count:
    The RWTF is what happened to the fith consultant?

    He took the first phaser hit so the others could adapt.
  • snoofle 2013-02-19 09:27
    article:
    “Requirements are 100% complete!” Consultant Three-of-Four repeated. After an uncomfortable pause, he continued, “But they are not yet documented."

    A good way to get rid of annoying forced-upon-you consultants in this case is to LET THEM DO IT! They claimed they can implement it in six weeks. Easy. Tell them they must provide you the written requirements right now and you will validate what they deliver in six weeks. If they can't provide the completed requirements, then they have zero credibility and a solid case for fraud and removal can be made.
  • ptau 2013-02-19 09:35
    justsomedudette:
    Captcha - populus, Remy wasn't very populus with the Brits.

    What, you're telling me there was only one of him?
  • Remy Porter 2013-02-19 09:40
    Sadly, there isn't! Some guy wrote a book and used my name as his pen name, the jerk. It's some stupid zombie book, even.
  • eric76 2013-02-19 09:44
    Al:
    My personal experience is that the consultants get paid a large amount of money to recommend that you spend more money on their own IT services whilst the internal IT may in return be given a few days and no information on the requirements to quote for work to be done within the company. Guess the consultants have a sales team and internal IT teams don't so you can never win.


    I used to work at one company where the consultants left the computer services completely alone. This was back in the early 80s.

    Up until sometime in the late 1970s, the company purchased time on a remote computer to do their accounting. At some point they hired a computer manager to come up with recommendations for and to install and manage a computer system. After looking around, he proposed buying a PDP-11/70.

    The consultants (from one of the biggest accounting/consulting firms) had a fit. They wanted the company to buy an IBM mainframe since they could pick up lots of consulting revenue from that. They didn't see any future in the company getting a PDP-11/70. They finally convinced the Senior VP to fire the new computer manager using the logic that a PDP-11/70 was an engineering computer, not an accounting computer, and that it was therefore unable to handle the accounting. The Senior VP then called the computer manager into the meeting at end of which he would be fired. He had already hired a replacement.

    Just that very morning, the latest Datamation had arrived. The lead story was something about one of the really big banks (Citibank, I think), buying a number of PDP-11/70s to handle much of their processing. When the consultants started talking again about how a PDP-11/70 was an engineering computer and not an accounting computer, the manager asked how long had Citibank been in the engineering business. When the Senior VP asked what he meant, he showed them the Datamation magazine. The Senior VP looked at it a minute, canceled the meeting, and then called up the replacement he had already hired and told him that the position was no longer available.

    The accounting/consulting firm nearly got canned in the process. After that, the consultants were so traumatized by the events, they left the computer department completely alone.
  • Auction_God 2013-02-19 10:02
    Steve The Cynic:
    Then again, that was before all the BSE stuff blew up in Britain. It later caused problems in the US - a colleague at the US branch of a company I worked for around 2000 was banned from giving blood in the US because he had spent too much time in the UK, eating potentially contaminated meat.

    Happily they have since removed (most of) the restriction. Now it is limited to only 1980-1996.
    From 1980 through 1996,
    28. Did you spend time that adds up to three (3) months or more in the United Kingdom? (Review list of countries in the UK)


  • Retief 2013-02-19 10:03
    Holy cow, I just went through this last Friday.

    Employer hired a goon from the cult of Scientology to coach the company. This guy is now overhauling all the IT systems with no input from anyone "because he's really smart".

    I quit yesterday first thing in the morning.
  • laoreet 2013-02-19 10:08
    Couldn't you have included everyone's favorite Borg? Voyager's 36 of D, of course.
  • no laughing matter 2013-02-19 10:13
    First WTF: only five consultants in the meeting. Traditionally it must be nine.

    TRWTF: No 7-of-9 in the story!
  • wombat willy 2013-02-19 10:15
    It's not really consultants that are the problem (since I am one lol).
    The problem are the third party outsourcing companies that convince idiotic CIOs that they will save their company money.
    These companies bring in a couple of experts (ie. yahoos) like the ones described in this article who then make unrealistic estimates that allow them to shove a foot in the door.
    Next they bring in dozens of senior (ie. junior) level developers from a third world country to rack up as many hours as they possibly can and deliver ABSOLUTELY NOTHING of value.
    I've seen this happen time and time again.
    After 5 years of this, because the consultancy company is signed up for a contract with huge penalties if canceled, the CIO and his brain dead supporters are fired and the next guy comes in with a new plan to clean up the mess.
    And round two of in-house development followed by round two of outsourcing.
    It comes in 8-10 year cycles.
  • Vlad Patryshev 2013-02-19 10:20
    Ha. Once I had spent 4 hours in my boss's office when he was trying to convince me to sign requirements that were (to me) a pile of incoherent crap. Them being complete...
  • HomeBrew 2013-02-19 10:23
    no laughing matter:
    First WTF: only five consultants in the meeting. Traditionally it must be nine.

    TRWTF: No 7-of-9 in the story!


    MMmmmmmmmm, 7-of-9.
  • no laughing matter 2013-02-19 10:37
    ubersoldat:

    OTOH, TRWTF is that the forum and the articles use different formats for commenting (just had to remove a whole lot of HTML code from my comment, so yes, I'm pissed). So I got ask, Alex, when are you moving this to Discourse?
    This site not only promises the daily WTF, it really delivers!

    * A Captcha with about ten different words and which already has been hacked to show whatever someone likes.
    * Two totally different forum systems.
    * BB-Code which is not BB-Code: a simple [s]will not work[/s], because that would be too easy not a WTF. Instead it has to be "color=black;text-decoration:line-through".
    * The most WTF of all, Akismet: It even forbids links to this very site, but is unable to detect the most generic of spam.

    So it really is to annoy users on purpose!
  • nn 2013-02-19 10:42
    Auction_God:
    Steve The Cynic:
    Then again, that was before all the BSE stuff blew up in Britain. It later caused problems in the US - a colleague at the US branch of a company I worked for around 2000 was banned from giving blood in the US because he had spent too much time in the UK, eating potentially contaminated meat.

    Happily they have since removed (most of) the restriction. Now it is limited to only 1980-1996.
    From 1980 through 1996,
    28. Did you spend time that adds up to three (3) months or more in the United Kingdom? (Review list of countries in the UK)




    It's the same in parts of Europe - I am not allowed to donate blood because I was in the UK from 09/1995 to 06/1996.
  • lesle 2013-02-19 10:45
    More like gelding a potential lily.
  • lesle 2013-02-19 10:46
    dpm:
    This would be funnier if it were not so grossly exaggerated; all the sci-fi references are just gilding a potential lily.


    More like gelding a potential lily.
  • Steve The Cynic 2013-02-19 10:47
    Auction_God:
    Steve The Cynic:
    Then again, that was before all the BSE stuff blew up in Britain. It later caused problems in the US - a colleague at the US branch of a company I worked for around 2000 was banned from giving blood in the US because he had spent too much time in the UK, eating potentially contaminated meat.

    Happily they have since removed (most of) the restriction. Now it is limited to only 1980-1996.
    From 1980 through 1996,
    28. Did you spend time that adds up to three (3) months or more in the United Kingdom? (Review list of countries in the UK)


    Of course, that wouldn't help my former colleague, because that's the period when he was in the UK a lot.
  • ¯\(°_o)/¯ I DUNNO LOL 2013-02-19 10:56
    Mike:
    I'm sure that brains, because the BSE, are illegal to sell, so it's now impossible to eat deep fried brains, like these

    http://ricette.donnamoderna.com/var/ezflow_site/storage/images/media/images/ricette-importate/secondo/carne/cervella-fritta-dorata/piatto-pronto-portauova-uova-cervello-tagliere-ciotola-ciotolina-legno-formaggio-cucchiaini-di-legno/39165231-1-ita-IT/piatto-pronto-portauova-uova-cervello-tagliere-ciotola-ciotolina-legno-formaggio-cucchiaini-di-legno_dettaglio_ricette_slider_grande3.jpg
    That URL is a WTF by itself. Are they using the URL for keyword storage?

    [zombie]BRAAAAAAAAINSSSSSSSSSSS!!![/zombie]

    eric76:

    The accounting/consulting firm nearly got canned in the process. After that, the consultants were so traumatized by the events, they left the computer department completely alone.
    I love a happy ending.
  • PseudoBovine 2013-02-19 11:02
    Andrew:
    We've successfully extended this attitude to requirements. Product quality has been pretty good.


    In fact, product quality is so good, there's not been one bug or request for improvement filed in the last year!


    Tester: "The bug reporting system is still down."
    Me: "What is the issue number?"
    Tester: "The reporting system is down - I can't enter it in [bug tracking software]!"
    Me: "If it's not been recorded, then it doesn't exist!"
  • Mike 2013-02-19 11:03
    You don't need to see the documents we know what needs to be done so why don't you? Clearly internal IT is incompetent we can get it done in 6 weeks. All we need is 20 consultants at $200 per hour each.
  • lesle 2013-02-19 11:05
    Steve The Cynic:
    Remy Porter:
    It's even worse- I believe it's illegal to sell the kidneys. I know it's illegal to sell the lung, which is why you can't make "real Haggis" in the US. It's hard to get offal in the US, which is sad, because I'd be up for trying some.


    Hmm. When I lived there (over 20 years ago, how time flies when you're having fun), it wasn't illegal, or not in the states where I lived (NY, NH, MA), because you could sometimes (but not so often) get them in normal supermarkets. The main reason for their scarcity did seem to be related to a dislike of the idea of eating something that does what kidneys do.

    Then again, that was before all the BSE stuff blew up in Britain. It later caused problems in the US - a colleague at the US branch of a company I worked for around 2000 was banned from giving blood in the US because he had spent too much time in the UK, eating potentially contaminated meat.

    It's legal to sell kidneys in the U.S. The reason you seldom see kidneys in supermarkets anymore is because beef no longer comes to the supermarket meat department in hindquarters--typically it now comes from the warehouse already in smaller cuts. Beef kidneys are encrusted with the light, dry fat known as suet.

    The best way to cook kidneys is to boil the piss out of them.
  • Mikerad 2013-02-19 11:38
    lesle:

    The best way to cook kidneys is to boil the piss out of them.

    Figuratively or literally?
  • JamesCurran 2013-02-19 11:40
    dpm:
    This would be funnier if it were not so grossly exaggerated; all the sci-fi references are just gilding a potential lily.


    I agree 100%

  • Ned 2013-02-19 11:45
    ¯\(°_o)/¯ I DUNNO LOL:
    Are they using the URL for keyword storage?
    That's nothing compared to some "news" sites that seem to store the entire article text (two paragraphs, one sentence each) in the URL.
  • Larry 2013-02-19 11:53
    I love projects with no requirements!

    Consultants: Our people can do it in six weeks.

    Me: We'll do it in five weeks.

    --- five weeks pass, during which I copy some old code, change a couple words to look kinda like the current project, and spend the rest of the time reading TDWTF ---

    Me: OK it's done!

    Consultants: But it doesn't do X.

    Me: Oh, you wanted X? That wasn't specified anywhere. Here, let me add X to this document I'm working on. Ahh, there we go.

    Now that counts as a change, which of course means we'll need to recalculate the deliverable date. Do you have any other changes to request?
  • Quirkafleeg 2013-02-19 12:02
    The tension couldn't have been that bad - black pudding is lovely!
  • Russ 2013-02-19 12:03
    Remy - no unicorns, no semi-funny comments? You're slippping.
  • no laughing matter 2013-02-19 12:08
    When did this happen?

    Because that really old meme predicted it more than eight years ago on this site!
  • cellocgw 2013-02-19 12:09
    dpm:
    This would be funnier if it were not so grossly exaggerated; all the sci-fi references are just gilding a potential lily.

    I think you mean 'gilding an actual turd'
  • no laughing matter 2013-02-19 12:14
    Russ:
    Remy - no unicorns, no semi-funny comments? You're slippping.

    You're mother is sipping. My penis.

    Because she totally loves those unicorns that appeared when i clicked on "But they are not yet documented.".

    Arrange yourself an appointment with an oculist, you're ability to "View Source" is waning!
  • chubertdev 2013-02-19 12:24
    "Salsa is the Mexican ketchup. Marinara is the Italian ketchup. And English food is terrible." - Jim Gaffigan
  • mainframe web dev 2013-02-19 12:59
    snoofle:
    article:
    “Requirements are 100% complete!” Consultant Three-of-Four repeated. After an uncomfortable pause, he continued, “But they are not yet documented."

    A good way to get rid of annoying forced-upon-you consultants in this case is to LET THEM DO IT! They claimed they can implement it in six weeks. Easy. Tell them they must provide you the written requirements right now and you will validate what they deliver in six weeks. If they can't provide the completed requirements, then they have zero credibility and a solid case for fraud and removal can be made.


    The above also works when a coworker wants to rewrite an existing system for philosophical reasons.
  • PRMan 2013-02-19 13:03
    Steve The Cynic:
    Remy Porter:
    I almost used Yorkshire pudding instead, which is closer to a pudding and is also vile.

    There's only one word for you here.

    "Wrong".

    Although I'm tempted to add a second word.

    "Philistine" or maybe "Heathen".

    And if your Yorkshire pudding is measurable with the word "thick" (other than a measure of dimensions) it hasn't been cooked enough to set properly.

    Properly made and cooked YP will set, and be that correctly-cooked colour sometimes called "golden brown". It should have risen a bit around the edges, and for the best results, you pour the batter into the roasting tin, with the joint of beef on a rack above it. If you do this, the YP catches all the meat juices and tastes just heavenly. Making gravy from the juices is a bit of a problem afterwards if you do this, but you can't win them all.


    It's British food. We've all tasted it. It's gross. You guys aren't fooling anyone.
  • not the consultant 2013-02-19 13:05
    Some time ago the new boss screamed at me in a meeting because I asked to see the specifications for the system I was told to build.

    I didn't stay long.
  • PRMan 2013-02-19 13:07
    eric76:
    Al:
    My personal experience is that the consultants get paid a large amount of money to recommend that you spend more money on their own IT services whilst the internal IT may in return be given a few days and no information on the requirements to quote for work to be done within the company. Guess the consultants have a sales team and internal IT teams don't so you can never win.


    I used to work at one company where the consultants left the computer services completely alone. This was back in the early 80s.

    Up until sometime in the late 1970s, the company purchased time on a remote computer to do their accounting. At some point they hired a computer manager to come up with recommendations for and to install and manage a computer system. After looking around, he proposed buying a PDP-11/70.

    The consultants (from one of the biggest accounting/consulting firms) had a fit. They wanted the company to buy an IBM mainframe since they could pick up lots of consulting revenue from that. They didn't see any future in the company getting a PDP-11/70. They finally convinced the Senior VP to fire the new computer manager using the logic that a PDP-11/70 was an engineering computer, not an accounting computer, and that it was therefore unable to handle the accounting. The Senior VP then called the computer manager into the meeting at end of which he would be fired. He had already hired a replacement.

    Just that very morning, the latest Datamation had arrived. The lead story was something about one of the really big banks (Citibank, I think), buying a number of PDP-11/70s to handle much of their processing. When the consultants started talking again about how a PDP-11/70 was an engineering computer and not an accounting computer, the manager asked how long had Citibank been in the engineering business. When the Senior VP asked what he meant, he showed them the Datamation magazine. The Senior VP looked at it a minute, canceled the meeting, and then called up the replacement he had already hired and told him that the position was no longer available.

    The accounting/consulting firm nearly got canned in the process. After that, the consultants were so traumatized by the events, they left the computer department completely alone.


    The good old management by what they read in a misinformed CIO magazine. That never works out, but it sounds like one time it did.
  • D-Coder 2013-02-19 13:07
    laoreet:
    Couldn't you have included everyone's favorite Borg? Voyager's 36 of D, of course.
    I believe that's canonically "Two of 38".
  • Chelloveck 2013-02-19 13:45
    I used to work with a guy who used the word "done" to mean "I have a working proof-of concept." Which led to all sorts of great conversations like,

    "What's your status on the foobar project?"
    "It's done."
    "Good, then check it in; I'm waiting for it!"
    "Oh, well, the code won't be ready for a couple of weeks yet."

    Good times, good times...
  • Anon 2013-02-19 13:59
    Steve The Cynic:

    And I'm happy, because I just got back from lunch where I had ... kidneys!


    I just threw up in my mouth.
  • operagost 2013-02-19 14:11
    HomeBrew:
    no laughing matter:
    First WTF: only five consultants in the meeting. Traditionally it must be nine.

    TRWTF: No 7-of-9 in the story!


    MMmmmmmmmm, 7-of-9.

    We probably have President Obama because of Jeri Ryan. The Chicago newspapers sued to have her divorce papers unsealed so they could use them to attack Jack Ryan. She claimed in the divorce proceedings that Jack had taken her to sex clubs and pressured her to participate. Ryan, who was several points behind but still had a few months to catch up, was forced to drop out of the race, and Alan Keyes was hastily inserted. Obama won handily, and we all lost... except for perhaps the lawyers.
  • Zylon 2013-02-19 14:30
    I would very much like to read the version of this WTF without the Remy in it.
  • ¯\(°_o)/¯ I DUNNO LOL 2013-02-19 14:41
    Ned:
    ¯\(°_o)/¯ I DUNNO LOL:
    Are they using the URL for keyword storage?
    That's nothing compared to some "news" sites that seem to store the entire article text (two paragraphs, one sentence each) in the URL.
    To be fair, in a lot of news sites, the headline is added to the URL simply to give you a clue about what you're about to click on. The web site itself ignores those and only looks at the magic numbers at the start of the URL.

    Those are, of course, the sites that are perfect for spreading around hoax "article" links.
  • PiisAWheeL 2013-02-19 14:52
    Did you know the delete comment button doesn't actually delete the comment?
  • Mr.Bob 2013-02-19 15:06
    The Count:
    The RWTF is what happened to the fith consultant?


    The fifth consultant was being an unnecessary obstacle. We ate him on the 14th. Digestion is 100% complete!
  • Mr.Bob 2013-02-19 15:12
    MrBester:
    Steve The Cynic:
    Hmm. When I lived there (over 20 years ago, how time flies when you're having fun), it wasn't illegal, or not in the states where I lived (NY, NH, MA), because you could sometimes (but not so often) get them in normal supermarkets. The main reason for their scarcity did seem to be related to a dislike of the idea of eating something that does what kidneys do.

    Then again, that was before all the BSE stuff blew up in Britain. It later caused problems in the US - a colleague at the US branch of a company I worked for around 2000 was banned from giving blood in the US because he had spent too much time in the UK, eating potentially contaminated meat.


    That's a bit rich, considering how many haemophiliacs in UK got Hep C from contaminated blood products from US.

    Aside: Captcha has been used before as autocomplete suggested it. Nice.


    I can confirm this. Being a US-er, I was barred from donating blood for many years because I was in Spain for two years in the late 90s. The American Red Cross has since changed the rules, so continental Europe is ok now, but 6 months or more in the UK during that time still earns you a spot on the indefinite deferral list.
  • Paul Neumann 2013-02-19 15:49
    ¯\(°_o)/¯ I DUNNO LOL:
    Mike:
    I'm sure that brains, because the BSE, are illegal to sell, so it's now impossible to eat deep fried brains, like these

    http://ricette.donnamoderna.com/var/ezflow_site/storage/images/media/images/ricette-importate/secondo/carne/cervella-fritta-dorata/piatto-pronto-portauova-uova-cervello-tagliere-ciotola-ciotolina-legno-formaggio-cucchiaini-di-legno/39165231-1-ita-IT/piatto-pronto-portauova-uova-cervello-tagliere-ciotola-ciotolina-legno-formaggio-cucchiaini-di-legno_dettaglio_ricette_slider_grande3.jpg
    That URL is a WTF by itself. Are they using the URL for keyword storage?

    [zombie]BRAAAAAAAAINSSSSSSSSSSS!!![/zombie]
    That's the ezflow url. The hardflow url is much more complicated.
  • ptProgrammer 2013-02-19 16:05
    My Mum had a special muffin tin just for Yorkshire Pud. Heat tin in oven, while meat is still in, when you pull the meat out, spoon 1tsp of the fat off the bottom of the roasting pan, for each muffin tin, THEN pour the batter into the muffin tins, (maybe 2 tbs per muffin cup)

    That way you get gravy & Pudding.. Yummy.
  • Coyne 2013-02-19 16:05
    I'm reminded of a certain 3-letter computer company I dealt with one time. They assured my my problem was priority 1. After much struggle, I discovered that the "priority" doesn't mean anything; instead they have another field on their problem reports that is called,...I don't remember for sure; let's just call it "Urgency".

    So their Helpdesk is glad to give your problem "priority 1"; but if you don't make them define their terms and find out about "urgency", then your problem goes nowhere.

    So the guys in this masterful WTF have a system where "100% done" doesn't mean "done". It means something else. Something like:

    We've completed the building. But there's just a few irrelevant details left. Like foundation. And walls. And floors. And plumbing. And electrical. But the building is 100% complete!

  • jc 2013-02-19 16:07
    lol @ the cornify thing :D
  • Daniel 2013-02-19 16:27
    All your requirements are belong to us
  • Debtfiler 2013-02-19 16:28
    meh - requirements are for the weak
  • JJ 2013-02-19 16:52
    lesle:
    The best way to cook kidneys is to boil the piss out of them.
    <rimshot>
  • Harold 2013-02-19 17:17
    Remy Porter:
    It's even worse- I believe it's illegal to sell the kidneys. I know it's illegal to sell the lung, which is why you can't make "real Haggis" in the US. It's hard to get offal in the US, which is sad, because I'd be up for trying some.


    It may be illegal to sell your kidneys and lungs but you can always try the web "http://organselling.com/"
  • Silverhill 2013-02-19 17:30
    no laughing matter:
    You're mother is sipping. ... you're ability to "View Source" is waning!
    Arrange yourself an appointment with an English teacher before you display such ignorance again. Your (in)ability to use the language is a sure sign that you're an ass ... or a troll.
  • Matt Westwood 2013-02-19 17:37
    chubertdev:
    "Salsa is the Mexican ketchup. Marinara is the Italian ketchup. And English food is terrible." - Jim Gaffigan


    We like it, and what's more, we won't have to share it with cultural peasants like you. All the more for us.
  • Matt Westwood 2013-02-19 17:39
    PRMan:
    Steve The Cynic:
    Remy Porter:
    I almost used Yorkshire pudding instead, which is closer to a pudding and is also vile.

    There's only one word for you here.

    "Wrong".

    Although I'm tempted to add a second word.

    "Philistine" or maybe "Heathen".

    And if your Yorkshire pudding is measurable with the word "thick" (other than a measure of dimensions) it hasn't been cooked enough to set properly.

    Properly made and cooked YP will set, and be that correctly-cooked colour sometimes called "golden brown". It should have risen a bit around the edges, and for the best results, you pour the batter into the roasting tin, with the joint of beef on a rack above it. If you do this, the YP catches all the meat juices and tastes just heavenly. Making gravy from the juices is a bit of a problem afterwards if you do this, but you can't win them all.


    It's British food. We've all tasted it. It's gross. You guys aren't fooling anyone.


    The reason you don't like it is because we don't use sugar. You disgusting bitches even put sugar in your mustard, in your baked beans, in your gherkins, in your fucking tinned carrots you fucking philistines.
  • Matt Westwood 2013-02-19 17:42
    ptProgrammer:
    My Mum had a special muffin tin just for Yorkshire Pud. Heat tin in oven, while meat is still in, when you pull the meat out, spoon 1tsp of the fat off the bottom of the roasting pan, for each muffin tin, THEN pour the batter into the muffin tins, (maybe 2 tbs per muffin cup)

    That way you get gravy & Pudding.. Yummy.


    Meat ... muffin ... bun in oven ... gravy ... you're not talking about sex again, are you? Mmmmmmm ... food ... sex ... chicken ...
  • chubertdev 2013-02-19 18:07
    Matt Westwood:
    The reason you don't like it is because we don't use sugar. You disgusting bitches even put sugar in your mustard, in your baked beans, in your gherkins, in your fucking tinned carrots you fucking philistines.


    How do you think we pancreatically deficient feel about it?
  • neminem 2013-02-19 19:01
    I would like to point out one thing about English food: these things are frelling tasty, and come from England. The little pasty shops all over were one of my favorite things about London (that and the Tube, really.)

    This article, on the other hand, had a pretty funny punchline, that could have honestly stood quite well on its own (if it wasn't made up from scratch too, along with the rest of it). The rest of it except the last sentence... I could've lived without reading it. There's a difference between inserting a reference to something into a nominally-true story, and turning a nominally-true story *into* a reference to something...
  • Brent 2013-02-19 19:25
    PRMan:

    It's British food. We've all tasted it. It's gross. You guys aren't fooling anyone.


    That might be true of some British cuisine, but not the Yorkshire pudding. You put out YP and people who've never seen it before will just assume its some type of dinner roll. Even after tasting it. A very rich and eggy sort of bread product.
  • Simon 2013-02-19 19:34
    Vlad Patryshev:
    Ha. Once I had spent 4 hours in my boss's office when he was trying to convince me to sign requirements that were (to me) a pile of incoherent crap. Them being complete...


    Well, from what you say, they *were* complete. Complete crap, possibly, but then, the consultant never said what aspect of them was complete.
  • Ingeneur 2013-02-19 21:34
    neminem:
    these things are frelling tasty, and come from England.


    Don't let the Cornish here you say that. (Not the part where you call pasties tasty - that they'd probably agree with you on that. Rather the part about where they come from England.) It's not quite so bad as the Scots or the Welsh, as technically Cornwall is officially part of England - though you have to factor in the wounded pride about not being at least nominally independent, which on the whole brings the ire right back up to about the same level.
  • Drew 2013-02-19 23:47
    Is it strange that all the consultants sounded like Daleks instead of borg in my head?
  • MaxDZ8 2013-02-20 02:47
    Uhm... I take for granted the poster added some salt to this. Those quotes are not real quotes... are they?
  • ochrist 2013-02-20 03:03
    In Heaven:
    The cooks are French,
    The policemen are English,
    The mechanics are German,
    The lovers are Italian,
    The bankers are Swiss.

    In Hell:
    The cooks are English,
    The policemen are German,
    The mechanics are French,
    The lovers are Swiss,
    The bankers are Italian.
  • Shinobu 2013-02-20 05:22
    Ah, kidneys. Depending on how long you cook them, they either smell like urine and taste just as foul, or they taste of nothing at all.
  • QJo 2013-02-20 06:21
    ochrist:
    In Heaven:
    The cooks are French,
    The policemen are English,
    The mechanics are German,
    The lovers are Italian,
    The bankers are Swiss.

    In Hell:
    The cooks are English,
    The policemen are German,
    The mechanics are French,
    The lovers are Swiss,
    The bankers are Italian.


    No no no, completely wrong.

    A successful man has:
    An English house
    A German car
    A French chef
    A Japanese wife
    An American salary

    An unsuccessful man has:
    A Japanese house
    A French car
    A German chef
    An American wife
    An English salary
  • Silfax 2013-02-20 07:51
    Mike:
    I'm sure that brains, because the BSE, are illegal to sell, so it's now impossible to eat deep fried brains, like these

    http://ricette.donnamoderna.com/var/ezflow_site/storage/images/media/images/ricette-importate/secondo/carne/cervella-fritta-dorata/piatto-pronto-portauova-uova-cervello-tagliere-ciotola-ciotolina-legno-formaggio-cucchiaini-di-legno/39165231-1-ita-IT/piatto-pronto-portauova-uova-cervello-tagliere-ciotola-ciotolina-legno-formaggio-cucchiaini-di-legno_dettaglio_ricette_slider_grande3.jpg



    Nominated for perhaps the longest link (other than application generated session dependent ones) that I have ever seen.


    Looks tasty too.
  • no laughing matter 2013-02-20 07:58
    Silverhill:
    no laughing matter:
    You're mother is sipping. ... you're ability to "View Source" is waning!
    Arrange yourself an appointment with an English teacher before you display such ignorance again. Your (in)ability to use the language is a sure sign that you're an ass ... or a troll.
    Welcome to the-daily-WTF forum!

    The rules are simple; to be exact there is only one rule:
    Troll or you will be trolled!

    YHBT. YHL. HAND.
  • Al 2013-02-20 08:31
    Liver and bacon anyone?
  • Anonymous Penguin 2013-02-20 08:37
    PRMan:
    It's British food. We've all tasted it. It's gross. You guys aren't fooling anyone.


    A gross of Yorkshire puddings? Sounds like heaven!
  • Nagesh 2013-02-20 15:42
    No consultant company in India will take this risk of going to meeting without documentation.
  • Anon 2013-02-20 16:00
    operagost:
    HomeBrew:
    no laughing matter:
    First WTF: only five consultants in the meeting. Traditionally it must be nine.

    TRWTF: No 7-of-9 in the story!


    MMmmmmmmmm, 7-of-9.

    We probably have President Obama because of Jeri Ryan. The Chicago newspapers sued to have her divorce papers unsealed so they could use them to attack Jack Ryan. She claimed in the divorce proceedings that Jack had taken her to sex clubs and pressured her to participate. Ryan, who was several points behind but still had a few months to catch up, was forced to drop out of the race, and Alan Keyes was hastily inserted. Obama won handily, and we all lost... except for perhaps the lawyers.


    Regardless of your opinion of black pudding, yorkshire pudding or English food in general, we can all agree that your grapes are exceptionally sour.
  • P 2013-02-20 16:42
    Of course the software can be designed and implemented in six weeks - just look here.
  • Charles 2013-02-20 17:05
    Why does this sound like good old: "All Your Base Are Belong To Us"??
  • Silverhill 2013-02-20 17:49
    no laughing matter:
    The rules are simple; to be exact there is only one rule:
    Troll or you will be trolled!
    At least some of us are able to rise above such puerility. I wish you luck, for you'll surely need it. ::eyeroll::
  • chubertdev 2013-02-20 19:45
    Nagesh:
    No consultant company in India will take this risk of going to meeting without documentation.


    ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
  • foo 2013-02-20 20:31
    Rick:
    I got first post today. I merely failed to document it.
    Incorrect! My frist post was completed on the 14th.

    Also, "first" is futile.
  • foo 2013-02-20 21:26
    no laughing matter:
    ubersoldat:

    OTOH, TRWTF is that the forum and the articles use different formats for commenting (just had to remove a whole lot of HTML code from my comment, so yes, I'm pissed). So I got ask, Alex, when are you moving this to Discourse?
    This site not only promises the daily WTF, it really delivers!

    * A Captcha with about ten different words and which already has been hacked to show whatever someone likes.
    * Two totally different forum systems.
    * BB-Code which is not BB-Code: a simple [s]will not work[/s], because that would be too easy not a WTF. Instead it has to be "color=black;text-decoration:line-through".
    * The most WTF of all, Akismet: It even forbids links to this very site, but is unable to detect the most generic of spam.

    So it really is to annoy users on purpose!
    You forgot:
    * A "Reply" button that nobody needs and that has trapped everbody at least once.
    * Checking pseudo-BB-code syntax when rendering (and on failure, showing all tags unparsed) instead of on input (so one could correct it in time)
    * More and more creative writing instead of actual WTFs.
    * The most WTF of all, Akismet. (Well, you didn't actually forget it, but it's mandatory to mention it again.)
  • Chris 2013-02-22 11:42
    This sounds very close to recent conversations I had with a client. They insisted we deliver a certain piece of the project. I kept asking to see the requirements for that item. They said I should have created the requirements. I asked how I could have done that considering it is *their* requirements and to kindly tell me what would they like the item to do.

    They said I should know what it's supposed to do. I came back and said that I'd be happy to deliver what they wanted if they could only tell me that it was. They said they didn't know but that somehow I should know how their business operates and to please deliver the item.

    We went in circles like this for a few months. Project ended in flames.

  • justme 2013-02-22 16:32
    Matt Westwood:
    ptProgrammer:
    My Mum had a special muffin tin just for Yorkshire Pud. Heat tin in oven, while meat is still in, when you pull the meat out, spoon 1tsp of the fat off the bottom of the roasting pan, for each muffin tin, THEN pour the batter into the muffin tins, (maybe 2 tbs per muffin cup)

    That way you get gravy & Pudding.. Yummy.


    Meat ... muffin ... bun in oven ... gravy ... you're not talking about sex again, are you? Mmmmmmm ... food ... sex ... chicken .. .


    The chicken. Does is go with the food or the sex ? Is it alive or dead ?
    While sex and fried chicken can be considered creative and sex and live chicken is kinky , sex and dead chicken is just too far out there.
  • Silverhill 2013-02-22 21:15
    Chris:
    This sounds very close to recent conversations I had with a client. They insisted we deliver a certain piece of the project. I kept asking to see the requirements for that item. They said I should have created the requirements. I asked how I could have done that considering it is *their* requirements and to kindly tell me what would they like the item to do.

    They said I should know what it's supposed to do. I came back and said that I'd be happy to deliver what they wanted if they could only tell me that it was. They said they didn't know but that somehow I should know how their business operates and to please deliver the item.

    This is modeled almost exactly in this Dilbert strip: http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2006-01-29/
  • Dave 2013-02-23 05:58
    Steve The Cynic:
    In Britain, of course, it is famous for being the weapon of choice of the practitioners of the martial art of Ecky Thump. And if you don't know what I am talking about, go look it up. Beware, because goggle will find pages containing 'icky' if you don't put "Ecky" in quotes.


    Well all I can say to that is that there's nowt wrong with owt what mitherin clutterbucks don't barley grummit!
  • gnasher729 2013-02-24 19:05
    [quote user="Silverhill"][quote user="Chris"]This sounds very close to recent conversations I had with a client. They insisted we deliver a certain piece of the project. I kept asking to see the requirements for that item. They said I should have created the requirements. I asked how I could have done that considering it is *their* requirements and to kindly tell me what would they like the item to do.[/quote]
    It seems you had a client who knew that they couldn't write decent requirements. Writing good requirements for software is a difficult and time consuming task, so you should have offered to do that for them - at a good hourly rate. And how should you know how their business operates? Obviously by talking to the right people. Just as whatever company employee who would write requirements would have done.
  • ohansen 2013-02-28 08:58
    The best situation is when there is a bug in the bug tracking SW, not allowing recording of the bug of the bug tracking.... You get my drift :-)
  • Anon-e-mouse 2013-03-07 05:56
    The Count:
    The RWTF is what happened to the fith consultant?

    The RWTF is what happened to the third letter in "fifth"?
  • Stig Hemmer 2013-05-02 20:39
    Chris:
    They said I should know what it's supposed to do. I came back and said that I'd be happy to deliver what they wanted if they could only tell me that it was. They said they didn't know but that somehow I should know how their business operates and to please deliver the item.


    It is a fact that customers doesn't know what they want. This is something that most IT education fails to teach people.

    As a developer you need to play (a lot more than) Twenty Questions with the customer to make a list of requirements.

    "If I gave you this blank piece of paper, would that fulfil the requirements?"
    "No!"
    "Why not?"
    "It does not do what we want it to do!"
    "In what way?"
    "Well, it isn't blue!"
    "So the thing should be blue?"
    "Well, yes, obviously!"
    "So, if I gave you a blue blank piece of paper, would that fulfil the requirements?"
    Etc, etc...