The IT recruiters at Josh K's company have a certain knack for finding the best contractors. I don't mean "best" in a programming or development sort of way, more in a I'm-impressed-that-this-guy-can-actually-spell-.NET sort of way. When Joe, a contractor with "an intense knowledge of .NET and SQL Server" and "acclaimed web development skills", was brought in, Josh and his coworkers thought they'd try something a little different. Instead of gripe and complain about his ineptitude, they'd create The Joe Board.

The Joe Board was simply a large whiteboard hung up in Josh's office. The goal was to see how much white space they could fill up with "Joeisms" before Joe's contract would inevitably be terminated early. Amazingly, and despite the fact that Joe was let go only four weeks after his three-month contract started, they ran out of whiteboard space. Following are some their favorite Joeisms ...

How do I pass a string to a function?

How can I write a SQL INSERT statement?

That sucks! So, every time I change the code, I have to recompile?

What is Data Binging [sic]?

I've never heard of Query Analyzer before; it's fast!

How do you execute a stored procedure?

What does "procedure 'GetCustomerById' expects parameter '@CustomerId', which was not supplied" mean?
(It means that you didn't supply the CustomerId parameter)
Okay, so I need to pass it an Id. Got it.

Huh? Code behind? I've never heard of that. Does every page have to have that?

Of course, Joe didn't limit himself to technical ineptitude. His knowledge was not only lacking in programming, but just about everything else. Keep in a mind the professional, office environment that they worked in ...

I just used spray foam instead of concrete. That way, bugs don't eat it.
You know, bugs don't eat concrete, right?
Pfft - yeah they do.

Oh crap, I really screwed up this time.
Err, did you break the test database again?
No, no. I asked this girl I've been seeing for three weeks to move in with me.
Aren't you married?
Yeah ...

I was out 'till 4 AM last night at a strip club. I almost got on stage and stripped.

Sorry, I was high earlier.

Whose pizza is in the fridge? I'm going to eat it
Hey! that my dinner for tonite!
*munch* Sorr *munch* ry

You know how I used to be a boxer, right? I'm thinking of helping my nephew beat up some bullies at his school ...

And perhaps the best of them all,

Ummm, yeah. That's kind of hard for me because I am kind of a perfectionist.

 


Go ahead and add your "Joeism" to the comments; don't worry, we won't run out of whiteboard space here. Here, I'll even get things started with one of my own ...