• mott555 (cs)

    We are frist!

  • Noread (unregistered)

    SELECT * FROM POSTS WHERE POST_TEXT == "Frist!"

  • Johnny (unregistered)

    Shawn sounds like an arsehole.

  • TGV (cs)

    SELECT phrase FROM lotr WHERE phrase LIKE '%darkness%bind%them';

  • It's a Cock! It's a Fist! It's Zoonerman! (unregistered)

    That hooded robe reminds of when I used to stay with my uncle.

    I've never cried so much.

  • AB (unregistered)

    We are the Oracle DBA Resistance is Futile We will arse-stimulate you

  • Peter (unregistered) in reply to Noread
    Noread:
    SELECT * FROM POSTS WHERE POST_TEXT == "Frist!"

    As per OUR new DB guidelines, direct SELECT calls to tables are forbidden. You are required to use a view instead; our DBAs will create the required V_FIRST_POST_VIEW view within our usual business SLA of 5-10 weeks.

    Captcha: saepius - our users are not actually sapient, just saepius.

  • ochrist (cs)

    Working as a developer, I've met that type of DBA more than once. One particular person had the habit of always refusing change requests, not matter how urgent they were. He insisted that all changes should be submitted in writing several weeks in advance. Needless to say he was laid off. Met him again a couple of times, where he again had been fired at least twice for the same type of behaviour (and basic incompetence). Last I met him, he worked in one of the biggest banks in this area.....

  • wonk (unregistered)

    Join us. It does not hurt.

  • RichP (cs)

    Missed the classic WTF the first time around.

    Somehow the royal "we" seems more befitting an Oracle review board, especially one made up of a single individual.

    "We are displeased with your lack of whitespace in your TPS-1001 application to apply for a modification of a database view permission request."

  • tharpa (cs)

    One thing that's unusual is that Shawn O, who appears to be the submitter, is the problem. WTF?

  • Kasper (unregistered) in reply to Johnny
    Johnny:
    Shawn sounds like an arsehole.
    Yes, but it does sound like his change of job may actually have been beneficial to both companies. Too strict processes and too little process will both lead to trouble.

    This company probably needed a bit more process, and Shawn liked to enforce process beyond what is reasonable. Mix the two, and with a bit of luck, you end up with a sensible compromise.

    The entire wording of the emails may have a different impact than what the boss suggesting. Using we instead of I may give Shawn's emails more authority, at least in the developers' perception.

    When Shawn wrote things like I have decided, the developers may very well have been thinking "why does this new guy think he is in a position to make decisions?"

  • Denholm Reynholm (unregistered)

    Team! Team team team team team! I even love saying the word team!

  • Alex (unregistered) in reply to Johnny

    yepp he does.

  • LetMeFinclOut (unregistered)

    Luke, we are your father.

  • Craig (unregistered)

    Shawn is an asshat. I may be the architect at our company, but I'm smart enough to know that you have to get team buy-in or people will find ways to end-run your policies. Using "we" instead of "I" is one way to make people feel like they are included. If Shawn can't figure that out he's an immature twit who needs to be sent packing.

  • Julia (cs)

    “There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.”

  • Steve The Cynic (cs) in reply to Noread
    Noread:
    DELETE FROM POSTS WHERE POST_TEXT == "Frist!"
    FTFY.
  • Victoria Regina (unregistered)

    We are not amused.

  • trtrwtf (unregistered)

    "the absurdity of the last hour of his life"

    Okay, this was out of nowhere. When did he get sentenced to death, and how did we find ourselves in a Camus novel?

  • CodeRage (cs)

    To be honest, while there are many ways this company could improve, using the word "I" too much when trying to build consensus, assert decisions, etc., can appear too personal and aggressive. The boss was just giving some basic communication skills improvements, and while he overdid it, I hardly think he was being an idiot about it. He had probably heard complaints about the DBA, and felt that something as simple as a change of tone in his communications might improve things.

  • Bob (unregistered) in reply to Craig

    "team buy-in" and other horrible bullshit phrases are created and used by people too stupid to realise that everyone else is sufficiently intelligent that they needn't be treated like retarded children.

    When I do something, I say "I". If I'm talking about something the company has done, I say "we". This is "English".

  • Fred (unregistered)

    Again, the futile fight of Man against his Fate

    BTW: Captcha: odio (hate)

  • frits (cs)

    Boss: "You broke the build, prepare to die!" Employee: "We broke the build."

  • ctd (unregistered)

    "didn’t seem to hear that, or any of his subsequent “okay,” “will do”, “gotcha”, “allrightythen”, “okie-doke”, “you-betcha” responses."

    Some insist on getting in the last word. Really, the very last word. If you try to sneak in a last word, be it as little as "OK", another 5-minute inundation of last words will be unleashed. Best strategy is to smile, nod, and say nothing.

  • EmperorOfCanada (unregistered)

    Oracle DBAs like this douche are why WE went with MongoDB. Development with Mongo trusts the developers to not be jackasses; trust being the operative word. If you can't trust a developer then get a new developer. Not trusting them results in scaring the good ones away.

  • Kryptus (unregistered)

    I just want to say, real WTF is Oracle !

  • JV (unregistered)

    This is why WE do not have a DBA on our team. We're smart enough to be developers AND handle the database as well.

  • not frits at all (unregistered) in reply to Julia
    Julia:
    “There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.”
    But there's a 'me' in 'team' !
  • An Oracle DBA (unregistered)

    As an Oracle DBA, this has laughing my as off. I've seen so many systems where developers have free rein, and then we have to fix the issues that are caused by this.

    Woops! Sorry! We dropped the production table. It's not our fault that we have privileges!

    Being a complete twit like Shawn doesn't help either. You have to have the right balance of restraints and availability in order to allow your developers to continue doing their job.

    My dev team (at my work place, a dba will be in charge of project) cried when they couldn't run explain plan. 5 minutes later, it was fixed. No paperwork, no nothing. Just a quick mail.

  • iToad (unregistered)

    As a software developer with the usual total lack of social skills, I have to admit that I actually learned something useful from this.

  • Mason Wheeler (cs) in reply to ochrist
    ochrist:
    Working as a developer, I've met that type of DBA more than once. One particular person had the habit of always refusing change requests, not matter how urgent they were. He insisted that all changes should be submitted in writing several weeks in advance. Needless to say he was laid off.
    That's not needless to say. In plenty of places that sort of behavior is expected!
  • Calli Arcale (unregistered) in reply to trtrwtf
    trtrwtf:
    "the absurdity of the last hour of his life"

    Okay, this was out of nowhere. When did he get sentenced to death, and how did we find ourselves in a Camus novel?

    "Last" as in "preceding", not "last" as in "final".

  • Ghost (unregistered) in reply to Kasper

    Nice try Shawn.

  • Jerry (unregistered)

    There must be some way to combine today's WTF with yesterday's. How about:

    "We do not allow any web apps that count pixels or look at the user-agent string to go live."

    (And what's with posts two days in a row -- even if one is recycled?)

  • The Bytemaster (cs)

    We are Hugh.

  • Fred (unregistered) in reply to Jerry
    Jerry:
    "We do not allow any web apps that count pixels or look at the user-agent string to go live."
    We should select the user-agent string as the primary key of a database table and get back whether it is mobile or not. Other attributes could be how many pixels the screen has, maybe some chunks of HTML specific to that platform, and the path/name of some JS and CSS files to include.

    Of course any additions or changes to the user-agent table will need to be submitted in writing (paper and pencil writing) four weeks in advance! (To be reviewed by the "architecture committee" i.e. the DBA who is also a user-agent expert.)

  • Indeed (unregistered) in reply to CodeRage

    Exactly what I came here to say. The WTF is the manner in which the boss gave the message, not the message itself. Having been on both sides of the fence (and occasionally straddling it while someone pulls on my feet), I know that proper phrasing of relatively simple emails can make a world of difference.

  • Jay (unregistered) in reply to Noread
    Noread:
    SELECT * FROM POSTS WHERE POST_TEXT == "Frist!"

    Syntax error. Unrecognized operator "==" near POST_TEXT.

  • Glory to the Many (unregistered)

    We are, we are, we are, we are...

  • Jay (unregistered) in reply to Jay
    Jay:
    Noread:
    SELECT * FROM POSTS WHERE POST_TEXT == "Frist!"

    Syntax error. Unrecognized operator "==" near POST_TEXT.

    And:

    Invalid column name 'Frist!'

    Need I explain that "==" is not a SQL operator, and double-quotes indicate an object name, not a literal.

  • Jay (unregistered) in reply to tharpa
    tharpa:
    One thing that's unusual is that Shawn O, who appears to be the submitter, is the problem. WTF?

    Because arrogant people rarely recognize that the problem is that they are arrogant. Rather, they always see the problem as being that the peasants refuse to submit to their obviously superior wisdom.

    Just minutes ago I came across the following quote in a magazine: "The proud man thinks he is humble. The humble man thinks he is proud."

  • galgorah (cs) in reply to EmperorOfCanada
    EmperorOfCanada:
    Oracle DBAs like this douche are why WE went with MongoDB. Development with Mongo trusts the developers to not be jackasses; trust being the operative word. If you can't trust a developer then get a new developer. Not trusting them results in scaring the good ones away.
    As a SQL Server DBA, I'm expected to be working closely with developers. Customer service is a big part of being a DBA. I don't do "pitchfork parades" or wear a robe. I try to help and provide guidance and mentoring on writing better tsql code. I'm not going to chastise you for running that horrible resource intensive code, I'm going to sit down with you one on one and work to optimize the query and help you learn from the experience. I may even suggest other ways of doing something you hadn't thought of.

    That being said, I have to take security and the integrity of production data into account. This is even more important based on the nature of our data. I'm not going to give you sysadmin privileges on servers or db_owner on a database, but I will work with you to figure out what access you actually need.

    As a DBA I try to balance the needs of the business, developers, auditors, etc. It's not that I don't trust my developers, It's that I need to balance your needs and wants while mitigating risk.

  • Bobby (unregistered) in reply to Fred
    Fred:
    We should select the user-agent string as the primary key of a database table
    Cool. Mine is set to

    '; DROP TABLE SYS_WEB_UA_STRING_LOOKUP_TABLE; --

    I suppose you're not going to let me be a paying customer of your site. :(

  • Sir Twist (cs) in reply to Steve The Cynic
    Steve The Cynic:
    Noread:
    DELETE FROM POSTS WHERE POST_TEXT == "Frist!"
    FTFY.
    No you didn't.
    <span style="color:red;">Msg 102, Level 15, State 1, Line 1
    Incorrect syntax near '='.
    </span>
    Edit: bah, sniped already.
  • Zylon (cs) in reply to EmperorOfCanada
    EmperorOfCanada:
    Oracle DBAs like this douche are why WE went with MongoDB. Development with Mongo trusts the developers to not be jackasses; trust being the operative word.
    The word is "dumbasses". Being a jackass will probably piss off your coworkers, but is unlikely to have any deleterious effect on your coding.
  • geoffrey (unregistered)

    I can sympathize with Shawn's boss. It is difficult when someone who wields as much power as a DBA as as rogue, anti-team as Shawn.

  • Josef K. (unregistered) in reply to trtrwtf
    trtrwtf:
    "the absurdity of the last hour of his life"

    Okay, this was out of nowhere. When did he get sentenced to death, and how did we find ourselves in a Camus novel?

    I think this site should provide more than enough evidence that we are already living in one, although I might have said Kafka.

  • Nite (unregistered) in reply to Bob
    Bob:
    everyone else is sufficiently intelligent that they needn't be treated like retarded children.

    OMG, stop! You're killing me!

    Work in a large organization. You'll quickly realize that, while many people are sufficiently intelligent to pass for retarded children, there are many who are not. Procedures need to account for both.

  • Vic (unregistered)

    The Oracle DBAs I've worked with were strict but reasonable. If you made a reasonable case for a change, they'd come up with a solution which worked for both the developers and the admins.

    Now the network admins... they were Shawn**2. Not only wouldn't they work with the developers, they would arbitrarily make changes without any notification or documentation.

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