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It's time once again for Share Your Bizarre Email day! mail in or post your favorite emails in the comments. Here's three to get started...
"My company takes safety very seriously," Adam wrote, "and here is a partially illustrative message. What's especially funny about it is that we receive examples and protips like this on a routine basis."
Colleagues, While on travel last week a member of our staff got up at 3AM to go to the bathroom. He tripped over a chair and fell into a coffee table, hitting his head. He suffered a significant head injury and blood loss. He was taken by ambulance to a local hospital emergency room. He had surgery at the hospital at his travel site last Thursday. He came home Friday. Sutures were removed Monday and he is due back to work tomorrow. He is doing well and in fine spirits. He and we have done a root cause analysis and make the following recommendation to travelers: before retiring for the night review the path to the bathroom in new hotel rooms and move any tripping hazards, if possible. Further, consider leaving a light on in the bathroom with the door slightly open or packing a portable night light in travel gear to use in your hotel room. Evin L------- Safety Directory
"I work for a firm that is all about getting the most from their employees," Dan wrote.
Hi Dan, You are correct. There is a discrepancy between the vacation time (2 weeks / 80 hours) and the newly-instituted 45-hour workweeks. At this time, we are not planning on increasing employee vacation benefits, so in order to meet the 45-hour requirement, you will need to either: (a) use an hour from your sick/personal time for each vacation day (b) work an additional hour for each vacation day Note that, if you chose to work the extra hour, it must done within the same two-week pay period. Also, keep in mind that this policy will apply to company holidays as well. Thank you, Amber J------------ HR Generalist
"This email was sent by one of the company directors," wrote Brett M, "we have a good 300 employees, with 100 or more in IT."
Hi All, Yesterday there was a flood which luckily only damaged some ceiling tiles in the downstairs loos and messed up the wall paint. It could potentially have damaged expensive computer equipment and the systems our business relies on. The flood (of clean water from cistern) happened due to a blocked toilet so please follow these simple instructions to avoid it happening again. 1/ From time to time we all need to use a lot of toilet paper. On these occaisions use a little paper then flush, then use some more and flush. This can be repeated as many times as you need. 2/ Do not flush anything apart from toilet paper (a little at a time) or something which has been eaten first. For those considering asking 'how much is a little paper', lets call it 12 sheets. Any further queries, don't hesitate to ask. Gerald F. --------- Director (VP)
"At just about any office," writes Hansel Johnson, "there are some coworkers that you certainly wouldn't mind seeing nude, and subset of those who you certainly wouldn't mind seeing bouncing while nude."
From: Debbie A---- Sent: Wednesday, April 08, 2009 8:51 AM To: IT_OPS Subject: Bouncing New Dev in 5 Minutes Please be advised- I will be bouncing Nude in 5 minutes. Please let me know if this presents an issue.
"I'm sure many in the office would rush to find a trampoline and some lawnchairs, and you can imagine their disappointment upon receiving the following email not more than a minute later..."
From: Debbie A---- Sent: Wednesday, April 08, 2009 8:52 AM To: IT_OPS Subject: RE: Bouncing New Dev in 5 Minutes My apologies- Spell Check got me on this one- “I will be bouncing NewDev in 5 minutes!”
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OK, I can play:
To: all@<OurCompany>.com From: ---- -------- (HR Manager) Subject: Executive Toys / USB Devices Dear colleagues, Following the incident with [redacted] last week, we are implementing new policies on "corporate toys", which includes any non-work-related USB device. Such devices are hereby prohibited under the new policies and any such devices must be removed from your work areas by the end of the day. Additionally, the throwing or launching of any projectiles around the office will not be tolerated and I would remind all staff members that intruding on another staff member's personal space with the use of projectiles or similar may result in disciplinary action. Thank you ---- -------- It may not be immediately obvious but... ever remember playing "bra basketball" with the well endowed ladies at school? Well, it seems some people never grew out of it - instead, they graduated to USB missile launchers. |
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The exact text of the following email was much longer and bureaucratic, but as I am no longer employed by that company, I can't dig it out of archives, so I'm going to paraphrase.
Date: mid- to late-November From: CEO To: All Dear Valued Employees, In order to provide our employees with more family time during the holidays (in keeping with our core value of family friendliness), $FRIGGIN_BIG_COMPANY will be closed during the week between Christmas and New Year's. Employees will be required to use vacation time during this week. Any employee who does not have enough vacation time accrued will be required to either borrow vacation time from next year or take the time unpaid. We wish you all a happy and healthy holiday season. Mr. CEO |
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