• cats (unregistered) in reply to zero-wing
    zero-wing:
    SOMEONE SET US UP THE MAPPED!!!

    HA HA HA HA HA HA

    cats

    You have no chance to survive make your time [since your hardware is locked anyway.]

  • KC (unregistered) in reply to undrline

    It is for looking up extended zip codes (you know, the -XXXX part at the end that hardly anyone uses.)

    I have used this form for that purpose many times.

  • furbearntrout (unregistered) in reply to Anders Hesselbom

    PHB: Did the the code compile? If it compiles, Shippit.

    PFY: It's PHP.

    PHB: Did it COMPILE??

    PFY: PHP doesn't need to compile, it's interpreted.

    PHB: SHIPPIT!

  • yossi (unregistered)

    lets see how long a comment i can get away with, shall we?

    !sgub evah t'nseod CP sihT ?sgub naem ayaddahW #define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer? (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network? (D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) ..... REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable to recover Universe .signature not found! reformat hard drive? [Y/N] Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. :-) :-;-) :) "Smilies everyone, Smilies" (Mr.Rourke) [If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parenthises] [Unix] is not necessarily evil, like OS/2. - Peter Norton <-------- The information went data way --------> 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. 29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 640 K ought to be enough for anybody (Bill Gates) 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1 A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. (Mark Twain) A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one good man can do in a hour. (Elbert Hubbard) A computer is like an Old Testament god: a lot of rules and no mercy. A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do. A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord. A Conservative Government is an organised hypocrisy. (Benjamin Disraeli) A cynic is a person who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. (Oscar Wilde) A day without sunshine is like, night. A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. (Winston Churchill) A fault tolerant system must report the faults even as it tolerates them. A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions. (Wilson Mizner) A government is the only known vessel that leaks from the top. (James Reston) A great many open minds should be closed for repairs. (Toledo Blade Newspaper) A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. (Laura Creighton) A hasty man drinks his tea with a fork. (Chinese proverb) A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. (Robert Frost) A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing. A lecture is the process by which the professor's notes become the student's notes without passing through the mind of either. A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. (Robert Frost) A list is only as strong as its weakest link. (Don Knuth) A low level language is one whose programs require attention to the irrelevant. A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. A man with a new idea is a crank until he succeeds. (Mark Twain) A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom. A picture is worth a kiloword. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A program is a lot like a nose: Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows. A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago. A sick mind is not necessarily the sign of a clean desk. A stitch in time would have confused Einstein. A successful tool is used to do something undreamed of by its author. (Johnson) A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. (Tennessee Williams) A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. (Samuel Goldwyn) A witty saying proves nothing. (Voltaire) A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct? A)bort, R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium? A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer. A)bort, R)etry, P)ee in drive door AAAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse Abstract Art: A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. (Andy Capp) Abstraction is achieved by data hiding and enforced by encapsulation. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. (Doug Larson) According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. (Brook) Advanced design: Upper management doesn't understand it. Advertising agency: eighty-five percent confusion and fifteen percent commission. (Fred Allen) Advertising is to art what the banjo is to an orchestra. (M. Mull) Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money out of it. (Stephen Leacock) Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. (Erica Jong) After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. After all is said and done, more will have been said than done. (Marshall McLuhan) After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless. - Geoffrey James, The Tao of Programming. Agree or disagree with the following statement: There are two kinds of people in this world: Those that separate people into two groups, and those that don't. (Robert Benchley) Alimony: The ransom the happy pay to the devil. (Henry Louis Mencken) All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling. (Oscar Wilde) All computers run at the same speed...with the power off. All computers wait at the same speed. All echelons of the staff will coordinate the configuration of the plans with the requisite tailoring of the overview in order to expedite the functional objective. (Capt. S. Adams USN) All generalisations are bad. (R. H. Grenier) All new: The software is not compatible with previous versions. All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. All that glitters has a high refractive index. All the simple programs have been written, and all the good names taken. All things are difficult before they are easy. (Thomas Fuller) All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. (Mark Twain) All you need to know is the user interface. (J. Redford) Almost anything is easier to get into than to get out of. (Agnes Allen) Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it. (Irene Peter) Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. (Mark Twain) Always draw your curves, then plot the data. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it! Americans always try to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else. (Winston Churchill) An accountant is a man hired to explain that you didn't make the money you did. An algorithm must be seen to be believed. (Donald E. Knuth) An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last. (Winston Churchill) An egotist is a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. (Ambrose Bierce) An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows. (Dwight D. Eisenhower) An Irish bull is always pregnant. (John Pentland Mahaffey) Anarchy is against the law. And God created the organisation and gave it dominion over man.' Genesis 1, 30A, subparagraph (viii) (Robert Townsend) And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. Another megabytes the dust. Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it, get a larger hammer. Any given program will expand to fill available memory. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. (Laws of Computer Programming, 1) Any IC protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. Any man who hates dogs and children can't be all bad. (W. C. Fields) Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do. (Ted Nelson) Any program that runs right is obsolete. Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. Any sufficient advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. (Rich Kulawiec) Any system that depends on reliability is unreliable. Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly. (Rose Franken) Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. (Samuel Goldwyn) Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new. (Albert Einstein) Anything is possible, unless it's not. Anything worth having is worth cheating for. (W. C. Fields) APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key. APL is a write-only language. (Roy Keir) Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw. Archbishop: A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to that attained by Christ. (Henry Louis Mencken) Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing. (Oscar Wilde) Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies. As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. (Weisert) As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. As we anarchists say: 'There's no government like no government.' (D'Arcy J. M. Cain) ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS. Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim. Avoid temporary variables and strange women. Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF (or better yet, just avoid Fortran). Avoid the Gates of Hell. Use Linux. Avoid unnecessary branches. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure? Backups? We doan NEED no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. Bad style destroys an otherwise superb program. Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. (Tom Lehrer) Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek. Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman. (Maryon Pearson) Best file compression around: "DEL ." = 100% compression Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. - Donald Knuth Beware of Geeks bearing gifts. Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. (Leonard Brandwein) Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question. Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet. (Ralph Waldo Emerson) Blessed are they who have nothing to say and who cannot be persuaded to say it. (James Russell Lowell) Blessed be he that expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. (Benjamin Franklin) Bore: a man who is never unintentionally rude. (Oscar Wilde) Brain fried; core dumped. Brain: The apparatus with which we think - we think. BREAKFAST.COM halted... cereal port not responding! Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try. Breakthrough: It nearly booted on the first try. Brook's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. (T. John Wendel) Bus error—driver executed. But I don't like Spam!!!! (Monty Python) Buy a Pentium 90 so you can reboot faster. By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean. (Mark Twain) C Code. C Code Run. Run, Code, RUN! PLEASE!!!! C:> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files. C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. (Fred Allen) Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.' Canada is a country so square that even the female impersonators are women. (Richard Brenner) Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse! CCCP:> format CCCP: /u CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. (Franklin P. Jones) Church: A place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag about it to people who will never get there. (Henry Louis Mencken) Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessaries. (Mark Twain) Cleanliness is next to impossible. Clergyman: A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven. (Henry Louis Mencken) Clones are people two. Close your eyes and press escape three times. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. Colourless green ideas sleep furiously. Comfort is the only thing our civilization can give us. (Oscar Wilde) Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source. Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want." Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying. Computer possessed. Try DEVICE=C:\EXOR.SYS Computer programmers do it byte by byte. Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing. Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow. Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them. Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy. (Joseph Campbell) Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Computers are only human. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. (Gilb) Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. (Pablo Picasso) Computers can never replace human stupidity. Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. (Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949) Computers talk to each other worse than their designers do. Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. Conscience: The inner voice which warns us that someone may be looking. (Henry Louis Mencken) Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. (Oscar Wilde) Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming. (Kernigan) Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. (Ambrose Bierce) Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal if you are all thumbs. Creator: A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh. (Henry Louis Mencken) Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. (Steven Wright) I write all my critical routines in assembler, and my comedy routines in custard. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax? ...About 85% of a GIF. Customer: A primitive life form at the bottom of the food chain. Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean? Daisies of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains! Death is a nonmaskable interrupt. Debugger: A tool that substitutes afterthought for forethought. Define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare. DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors. Demagogue: One who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots. (Henry Louis Mencken) Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management. (Doug Larson) Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. (Laurence J. Peter) Democracy: The worship of jackals by jackasses. (Henry Louis Mencken) Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Design simplicity: It was developed on a shoe-string budget. Design: The activity of preparing for a design review. Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will. Did you hear about the dyslexic atheist? He doesn't believe in dogs. Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa. Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country. (Ambrose Bierce) Disc space, the final frontier! Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. Disk Full - Press F1 to belch. Divorces are made in heaven. (Oscar Wilde) Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped? Do not drink coffee in the morning or it will keep you awake until noon. Do you know what a pessimist is? A man who thinks everybody as nasty as himself, and hates them for it. (George Bernard Shaw) Document code? Why do you think they call it "code?" Does fuzzy logic tickle? Doing well today what you did well yesterday reduces the probability of doing well what you need to do tomorrow! Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. (David Lloyd George) Don't comment or patch bad code; rewrite it. Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. Don't confuse me with the facts. I've got a closed mind. (Earl Landgrebe) Don't diddle code to make it faster; find a better algorithm. Don't document the program; program the document. Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. Don't let the computer bugs bite! Don't stop at one bug. Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. (Charles Schultz) DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. (Carl Zwanzig) Due to a shortage of material, the production of great leaders has been discontinued. DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere. E Pluribus UNIX. E=Mc^5...nahhh...E=Mc^4...nahh...E=Mc^3...ah, the hell with it. Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. Eagles may soar, but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines. Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can. Eating words has never given me indigestion. (Winston Churchill) EBCDIC: Erase, Back up, Chew Disk, Ignite Card Editing is a rewording activity. Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. (Ambrose Bierce) Eloquence: Saying the proper thing and stopping. (Francois de la Rochefoucauld) Emacs is a nice operating system, but I prefer UNIX. - Tom Christiansen E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage. Encrypt: Where Egyptian kings are buried. Ending a sentence with a preposition? That is the sort of bloody nonsense up with which I will not put. (Winston Churchill) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... Entropy isn't what it used to be. Error 13: Illegal brain function. Process terminated. Error in operator: add beer Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue Esc key to reboot Universe, or any other key to continue... Eschew obfuscation. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. (Will Rogers) Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it... (Steven Wright) Ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again? Every bug you find is the last one. Every machine will eventually fall apart. Every man is a moon; he has a side no one sees (Mark Twain) Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail. Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug. Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. (Jennifer Unlimited) Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome. (Oscar Levant) Every time you come up with a terrific idea, you find that someone else thought of it first. (Frank Harden) Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. (Will Rogers) Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love! Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have film. Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others. (Winston Churchill) Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. Everything costs more than first estimated. Everything put together, falls apart, sooner or later. Everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. (Albert Einstein) Everything takes longer than you think it will. Everything we call real is made of things that cannot be regarded as real. (Niels Bohr) Exclusive: We're the only ones who have the documentation. Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven. Expansion slots: The extra holes in your belt buckle. Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing. (Oscar Wilde) Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again. (Franklin P. Jones) Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes. (Oscar Wilde) Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones. Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way. Expert systems are built to embody the knowledge of human experts. - Kulawiec Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts often think so. f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. Farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil and you're a thousand miles from the cornfield. (Dwight D. Eisenhower) Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. (Oscar Wilde) Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. (Mark Twain) Field tested: Manufacturing doesn't have a test system. Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is messed up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. Finagle's Law: The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. Fine words! I wonder where you stole them. (Jonathan Swift) Fine: A bribe paid by a rich man to escape the lawful penalty of his crime. (Henry Louis Mencken) Finish your mail packet! Children are offline in India. Floppy Disc: Serious curvature of the spine. Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded. Foot: A device for finding furniture in the dark. Football is an incredible game. Sometimes it's so incredible, it's unbelievable. (Tom Landry) For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Fortune: No such file or directory Freedom of the press belongs to those that own one. (A. J. Liebling) Friction is a drag. From C:*.* to shining C:*.* From now on we shall offer police jobs to qualified women regardless of sex. (A New Jersey town's affirmative action statement) Fudd's First Law: 'If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.' Future, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true, and our happiness is assured. (Ambrose Bierce) Futuristic: It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer. Fuzzy project goals avoid the embarrassment of estimating the costs. Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade! Getting [cruise missiles] more accurate so that we can have precise precision. (Dan Quayle) Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. God does not play dice with the universe. (Albert Einstein) God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER. God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever. Going the speed of light is bad for your age. Golf: A game in which one endeavours to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose. (Woodrow Wilson) Good ideas don't just fade away. They're slaughtered by rampaging squads of carefully attired, analytical managers. Good morning, doctors. I have taken the liberty of removing Windows 95 from my hard drive. ('2001: A Space Odyssey' creator Arthur C. Clarke, imagining the first words of his fictional psychotic computer, Hal) Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer. Government investigations have always contributed more to our amusement than they have to our knowledge. (Will Rogers) Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. (Albert Einstein) Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is inversely proportional to its desirability. Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time. (Mark Twain) Hackers have kernel knowledge. Haiku #1: Your system which soared / So freely on gliding wings / now hangs, frozen and blue. Haiku #12: Windows NT crashed / I am the Blue Screen of Death / No one hears your screams. Hand, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. (Ambrose Bierce) Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Hardware: The part you kick. (Jeff Pesis) Has it ever occurred to you that there might be a difference between having an open mind and having holes in one's head? Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it? Have you heard about the new Cray? It's so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds. Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here. (Dan Quayle) He hasn't an enemy in the world but all his friends hate him. (Eddie Cantor) He know the precise psychological moment when to say nothing. (Oscar Wilde) He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. (Groucho Marx) He who cooks carrots and peas in same pot unsanitary. He who laughs last thinks slowest! (Hedda Hopper) Health food may be good for the conscience, but Oreos taste a hell of a lot better. (Robert Redford) Heaven: The Coney Island of the Christian imagination. (Elbert Hubbard) Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!! Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Hex dump: Where witches put used curses... Hind's Law #6: Make it possible to write programs in English and you will quickly discover that programmers do not know how to write in English. Hindsight is an exact science. Historian: An unsuccessful novelist. (Henry Louis Mencken) History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. (Winston Churchill) History: A distillation of rumour. (Thomas Carlyle) Hit any user to continue. Hofstadter's Recursive Law: Any computer project will take twice as long as you think it will even when you take into account Hofstadter's Recursive Law. Honey, I Formatted the Kid! Honk if you love peace and quiet. Host System Not Responding, Probably Down. Do you want to wait? (Y/N) Hot parts look exactly like cold parts. How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file... How come wrong numbers are never busy? (Steven Wright) How do I set my laser printer on stun? How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? raise my hand. How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb? (Rod Schmidt) How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down. Husband: A No. 16 neck in a No. 15 1/2 collar. (Henry Louis Mencken) HYPNO.SYS: sleep mode controller I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself. (Oscar Wilde) I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator. I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man. (Marion Barry) I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened. (Mark Twain) I am not young enough to know everything. (James Matthew Barrie) I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. I am the computer your mother warned you about. I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death. (Jack Handey) I bet the human brain is a kludge. (Marvin Minsky) I bought the latest computer; it came fully loaded. It was guaranteed for 90 days, but in 30 was outmoded. I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus. (Rod Schmidt) I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle it's much too confining. (Lily Tomlin) I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that have had a difficult time. (Dan Quayle) I can resist everything except temptation. (Oscar Wilde) I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unreasonable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect. (Oscar Wilde) I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control. (Steven Wright) I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. I distinctly remember forgetting that. (Clara Barton) I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. - Isaac Asimov I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true. (Dorothy Parker) I don't date women my age. There aren't any. (Milton Berle) I don't like money, actually, but it quiets my nerves. (Joe Louis) I don't like principles. I prefer prejudices. (Oscar Wilde) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. (Will Rogers) I don't mind dying . . . I just don't want to be there when it happens. (Woody Allen) I don't rent space to anyone in my head. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality by not dying. (Woody Allen) I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. I eat Swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. (Rod Schmidt) I feel a whole lot more like I do now than I did when I used to. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. (Ed Bluestone) I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. (Charles Schulz) I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to politicians. (Charles de Gaulle) I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something. (Jackie Mason) I have everything I had twenty years ago - except that it is now all lower. (Gypsy Rose Lee) I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. I have nothing to declare but my genius. (Oscar Wilde) I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere. I heard that Bill Gates's wedding night will be less than blissful for his new bride. She will find out why his company is named Microsoft. I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control! I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious! (Steven Wright) I invented the cordless extension cord. (Steven Wright) I just found the last bug. I just got lost in thought...... It wasn't familiar territory. I like the word `indolence.' It makes my laziness seem classy. (Bern Williams) I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire. (Steven Wright) I love making friends...it's people I can't stand! (Linus) I married beneath me. All women do. (Lady Nancy Astor) I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. (Ashleigh Brilliant) I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator. (Steven Wright) I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts. I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was wrong. I never thought much of the courage of a lion-tamer. Inside the cage he is at least safe from people. (George Bernard Shaw) I never vote for anyone; I always vote against. (W. C. Fields) I smell a wumpus. I suppose when it gets to that point, we shan't know how it does it. - Turing I tell my students that artificial intelligence is a property that a machine has if it astounds you. (Herbert Freeman) I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me. (Jack Handey) I think that I think, therefore I think that I am. (Ambrose Bierce) I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. (Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943) I think, therefore I am. I think. I thought I had mono once for an entire year. Turned out I was just really bored. (Wayne's World) I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. (Rod Schmidt) I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman. (Dan Quayle) I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details. (Albert Einstein) I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically. (Steven Wright) I will defend to your death your right to my opinion. I would guess that there's adequate low-income housing in this country. (Dan Quayle) I write all my critical routines in assembler, and my comedy routines in FORTRAN I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. (Rod Schmidt) I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. If a tool is put away when you're sure it won't be needed again, it will. Soon. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station? If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0 If at first you don't succeed, f*#! it! If at first you don't succeed, get new batteries. If at first you don't succeed, try again. then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. (W. C. Fields) If at first you don't succeed, try something else. If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress? (Henry Louis Mencken) If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. If God had intended man to have computers, he would have given him 16 fingers If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports. If I had it all to do over again, I'd spell creat with an "e". (Kernighan) If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? (Abraham Lincoln) If it happens once, it's a bug. If it happens twice, it's a feature. If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacement anyway. If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it. If it's not on fire then it's a software problem. If only women came with pull-down menus and online help. If Roosevelt were alive he'd turn in his grave (Samuel Goldwyn) If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out? (Will Rogers) If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. - Schryer If the facts do not conform to your theory, they must be disposed of. If the human mind were simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to understand it. (Pat Bahn) If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax? If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body...then only left-handed people are in their right minds. If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in a line take so long? (Hebrew proverb) If there is a 50% chance of success, there will be a 75% chance of failure. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one. If things appear to be going well, you have overlooked something. If we can't fix it - it's broken! If we can't fix it - we'll fix it so nobody can. (B. Gibbons) If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed. If we do not succeed, then we face the risk of failure. (Dan Quayle) If you don't advertise yourself you will be advertised by your loving enemies. (Elbert Hubbard) If you execute commands, why do they still exist in the directory? Doesn't keeping all those dead commands around use up lots of disk space? If you go and mow the lawn barefoot and cut your feet off, don't come running to me. (Mum) If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. If you have nothing to say, please only say it once! If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. (Mae West) If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people. (Jim Eason) If you want to make enemies, try to change something. (Woodrow Wilson) If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down. If your parents didn't have any children, there's a good chance you won't have any. (Clarence Day) I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house. (Zsa Zsa Gabor) Implementation is the sincerest form of flattery. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors on the way to the printer In /dev/null no one can hear you scream In a museum in Havana there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus - one when he was a boy and one when he was a man. (Mark Twain) In any computation, the figure that is most obviously correct will be the source of error. In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. - Brian Reid In God we trust; all others require a review. In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs. (Steven Wright) In politics an absurdity is not a handicap. (Napoleon Bonaparte) In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back. (Charles Schulz) In three words, I can sum up everything I've learned about life...It goes on. (Robert Frost) In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these. (Paul Harvey) In two words: Im-possible. (Samuel Goldwyn) Inside every big problem is a small problem trying to get out. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened? Installing a new program will always screw up at least one old one. Insurance, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table. (Ambrose Bierce) Interchangeable parts won't. Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. (Abraham Lincoln) It is always darkest before it goes totally black. (Sting) It is bad luck to be superstitious. (Andrew W. Mathis) It is difficult to be humble. Even if you aim at humility, there i no guarantee that when you have attained the state you will not be proud of the feat. (Bonamy Dobree) It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. (Henry Louis Mencken) It is impossible to get anywhere without sinning against reason. (Albert Einstein) It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. It is impossible to think of a man of any actual force and originality . . . who spent his whole life appraising and describing the work of other men. (Henry Louis Mencken) It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. (Benjamin Disraeli) It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem. It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. It is only the shallow people who do not judge by appearances. (Oscar Wilde) It isn't easy being a fat narcissist. (Jackie Gleason) It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit! It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. (Mark Twain) It wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. - Wilkes, 1949 It works better if you plug it in. It's a mistake to allow any mechanical object to know you're in a hurry. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt, and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. (Rodney Dangerfield) It's better to be silent and thought a fool than speak and remove all doubt. (Abraham Lincoln) It's here at last: We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks. It's more than magnificent-it's mediocre. (Samuel Goldwyn) It's redundant! It's redundant! (R. E. Dundant) It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs. (Jack Handey) Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT trying to get you. Just remember, if the world did not suck, we would all fall off. Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse. Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. Kiss your keyboard goodbye! Know Thy User. Kwitchyerbellyakin (Irish saying) Labour, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. (Ambrose Bierce) Last one out, turn off the computer! Law of Communications: The result of improved and enlarged communications is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding. Lawsuit, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. (Ambrose Bierce) Left to themselves, things always go from bad to worse. Let the machine do the dirty work. (Elements of Programming Style) Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. (Mark Twain) Life in a vacuum sucks. Life without you would be like a broken pencil. How's that? Completely pointless. (Blackadder) Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. LISP: To call a spade a thpade. Little things affect little minds. (Benjamin Disraeli) Live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so. (Josh Billings) Logic is a tweeting bird in a green meadow. (Mr. Spock) Logic is neither an art or a science but a dodge. Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence... Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught. Love is like Pi: natural, irrational, and very important. LSD: virtual reality without the expensive hardware. Lt. Uhura says: Subspace Communications - it's the next best thing to beaming there! Machine independent code isn't. Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine. Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed... Make input easy to proofread. Make it right before you make it faster. Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope. (P. J. O'Rourke) Man is least himself when he is in his own person. Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth. (Oscar Wilde) Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to. (Mark Twain) Managing programmers is like herding cats. Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out. Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising. (Mark Twain) Many would be cowards if they had courage enough. (Thomas Fuller) Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them. Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it! Mathematician: A sum worshipper. Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world. (Dan Quayle) May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive. Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. - R. S. Barton Meets quality standards: It compiles without errors. Megabyte: A nine course dinner. Memory dump: Amnesia... Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened. (Winston Churchill) Mental backup in progress. Do Not Disturb! Microfiche: Sardines. Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro... MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed. Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds... Modem: What landscapers do to dem lawns. Mommy! The cursor's winking at me! Mommy, what happens to your files when you die? Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week. Money can't buy you friends, but you can get a better class of enemy. (Spike Milligan) Moonshiner: One who conducts his business in distill of the night. (Dave Krieger) Moral indignation is, in most cases, 2% moral, 48% indignation, and 50% envy. (Vittorio de Sica) Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once... Murphy's First Law of Computing: The computer will work perfectly at the repair shop. Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks. Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think. My BBS is baroque now. Please call Bach later with your Handel. My computer isn't that nervous, it's just a bit ANSI. My computer NEVER cras My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier. My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's. My mail reader can beat up your mail reader. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. (Harry Emerson Fosdick) My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. (Oscar Wilde) My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. (Errol Flynn) My sister gave up on Computing Dating after she was stood up by two mainframes, a mini, and a laptop. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. NASA awards Acronym Generation System (AGS) contract for Space Station Freedom (Tom Neff) Nationalism is an infantile sickness. It is the measles of the human race. (Albert Einstein) Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" in a crowded theater. Never criticise Americans. They have the best taste that money can buy. (Miles Kington) Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. (Mark Twain) Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. (S. Hunt) Never write software that anthropomorphizes the machine. Never write software that patronizes the user. New: It comes in different colours from the previous version. Nihilism doesn't exist. No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck. No extensible language will be universal. (T. Cheatham) No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions. (Charles Steinmetz) No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory. No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system. No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates. Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect. Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she has laid an asteroid. (Mark Twain) No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent. (Eleanor Roosevelt) Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory... Nothing is ever as easy as it looks. Nothing is so aggravating as calmness. (Oscar Wilde) Nothing is so permanent as a temporary government program. (Milton Friedman) Nothing pains some people more than having to think. (Martin Luther King) Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. (Oscar Wilde) Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time. (Monty Python) Objects are closer than they appear. Odd things animals. All dogs look up to you. All cats look down on you. Only a pig looks at you as an equal. (Winston Churchill) Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most . . . OK, so what's the speed of dark? Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young. (Fred Astaire) Old mail has arrived. Old men are fond of giving advice to console themselves for being no longer in a position to give bad examples. (Francois de la Rouchefoucald) Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address. Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. On a clear disk you can seek forever. (P. Denning) On the other hand, you have different fingers. One disk to rule them all, one disk to bind them, one disk to hold the files and in the darkness grind 'em. One man's constant is another man's variable. (Alan Perlis) One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. (Mark Twain) One person's error is another person's data. One picture is worth 128K words. One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint. One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbours thought there was lightning in my house. (Steven Wright) Only a mediocre man is always at his best. (William Somerset Maugham) Our knowledge is a little island in a great ocean of non-knowledge. (Isaac Bashevis Singer) Overflow on /dev/null; please empty the bit bucket. PARLIAMENT.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Canberra (Y/N)? People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. (Jon Bentley) People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Performance is easier to add than clarity. Performance proven: It works through beta test. Personally, I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught. (Winston Churchill) Philanthropist, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket. (Ambrose Bierce) Philosophy! Empty thinking by ignorant conceited men who think they can digest without eating! (Iris Murdoch) Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Portable: Survives system reboot. Predestination was doomed from the start. Press -- to continue ... Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit... Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! Printed on 100% recyclable phosphor. Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. Profanity: the universal programming language' Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects. Programmer: One who is too lacking in people skills to be a software engineer. Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait. Programming is an art form that fights back. Programming is an unnatural act. Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer. Programs: What software used to be, back when we knew how to write it. Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. (Ogden Nash) Protect your software at all costs; all else is meat. Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None - it's a hardware problem. Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light-bulb? A: None - they just declare darkness the new standard. Q: What do fish play on the piano? A: Scales Quality Assurance: A way to ensure you never deliver shoddy goods accidentally. Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got. Quotation: Something that somebody said that seemed to make sense at the time. (Egon J. Beaudoin) Quoting: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. (Ambrose Bierce) Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity. Random access is the optimum of the mass storages. Read my chips: No new upgrades! Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction. Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency. REALITY.DAT not found. Atempting to restore Universe...... REALITY.SYS corrupted- reboot Universe (Y/N)? Recursive: adj. See Recursive Religion is the fashionable substitute for belief. (Oscar Wilde) Religion without science is blind. Science without religion is lame. (Albert Einstein) Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? Remember, half the people you know are below average. Remorse: Regret that one waited so long to do it. (Henry Louis Mencken) Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function. Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. (Dan Quayle) Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm) Revolutionary: The disk drives go round and round. RICHARD: What's your sign? VlCTORIA: I'm sorry - it's unlisted. (Mel Brooks) Riot Squad: A group that tells really funny stories (Don Lewis) Rise above principal and do what's right. (Joseph Heller) Satisfaction Guaranteed: We'll send you another copy if it fails. Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in. Save the whales. Collect the whole set. Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality. (Oscar Wilde) Schizophrenia beats being alone. SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory. SET DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment. Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions. Sex: The most fun you can have without laughing. (Woody Allen) She is a peacock in everything but beauty. (Oscar Wilde) She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand. (Saul Bellow) Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips. Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised when others believe him. (Charles de Gaulle) Sleep: A poor substitute for caffeine. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue..... Smoking cures weight problems... eventually... (Rod Schmidt) Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. (Fletcher Knebel) Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. (Brooke Shields) So when the machine truncates excess bits, it throws them under the raised floor. - Fred Felber (so THAT's why there are raised floors in computer rooms.) Software engineer: One who engineers others into writing the code for him/her. Software is best understood as a branch of movie making. (Ted Nelson) Software is mind work. Having the right frame of mind is essential. Software is to computers as yeast is to dough. - Chuck Bradshaw Some call it laziness, I call it deep thought. Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress. Some would sooner die than think. In fact, they often do. (Bertrand Russell) Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~" Spellchecker not found. Press -- to continue ... Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire! Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk... Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes... Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. (W. C. Fields) State-of-the-art: What we could do with enough money. State-of-the-practice: What we can do with the money you have. Steinbach's Rule: Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle Stock item: We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! (Monty Python) Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle. Suddenly, nothing happened - but it happened suddenly. (Spike Milligan) Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. Sure it's user-friendly...if you know what you're doing. Swap read error. You lose your mind. System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing. System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug. Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. (R. S. Barton) Tact: the ability to describe others as they see themselves. (Abraham Lincoln) Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week. (Will Rogers) Terminal glare: A look that kills... That does not compute. The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord. The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning. (Sandy Cooley) The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. (W. C. Fields) The best packed information most resembles random noise. The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2 The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to the office. (Robert Frost) The brain works from the moment of birth until you stand up to speak in public. The certain proof that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe' is that no one has bothered to make contact with us The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer. The computer is the Proteus of machines. - Seymour Papert The computer only crashes when printing a document you haven't saved. The computing field is always in need of new cliches. (Alan Perlis) The covers of this book are too far apart. (Ambrose Bierce) The cow is a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat. (J. McNulty) The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in. The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. (Mark Twain) The DREA Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions, the experimental apparatus will do exactly as it pleases. The duchess smashed a bottle of champagne against the ship, and amid the cheers of the crowd, slid on her greasy bottom into the sea. (British newspaper) The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. The easiest job I have ever tackled in this world is that of making money. It is, in fact, almost as easy as losing it. Almost, but not quite. (Henry Louis Mencken) The Einstein theory is relatively simple. (R. Williams) The fact that man knows right from wrong proves his intellectual superiority to other creatures; but the fact that he can do wrong proves his moral inferiority to any creature that cannot. (Mark Twain) The first place to look for a lost file is the last place you would expect to find it. The first prerequisite of intelligent tinkering is to save all the pieces. (Aldo Leopold) The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. (William Shakespeare) The floppy will be the wrong size. The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small. (Woody Allen) The four stages of man are infancy, childhood, adolescence and obsolescence. (Art Linkletter) The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavour upon the business known as gambling. (Ambrose Bierce) The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. The graveyards are full of indispensible people. (Charles de Gaulle) The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes. (Winston Churchill) The habit most worth cultivating is that of thinking clearly even though inspired. (T. H. Uzzel) The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. (Albert Einstein) The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system. The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. The incidence of typographical errors increases in proportion to the number of people who will see the copy. The less time planning, the more time programming. The likelihood of a hard disk crash is in direct proportion to the value of the material that hasn't been backed up. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. The Maintainer's Motto: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. (Walt Weir) The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life. (Muhammad Ali) The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. The moving cursor prints, and having printed, blinks on. The next generation of computers will have a "Warranty Expired" interrupt. The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. (Andrew S. Tanenbaum) The old believe everything: the middle aged suspect everything: the young know everything. (Oscar Wilde) The only beautiful things are the things that do not concern us. (Oscar Wilde) The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. The only real valuable thing is intuition. (Albert Einstein) The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. (Paul Fix) The only thing funnier than how things don't work out, is how they do. The only thing good about "standards" in computer science is that there are so many to choose from. The past does not repeat itself, but it rhymes. (Mark Twain) The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment. To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog. (Richard Buckminster Fuller) The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it. The problems that exist in the world today cannot be solved by the level of thinking that created them. (Albert Einstein) The profound thinker always suspects that he is superficial. (Benjamin Disraeli) The program is absolutely right; therefore, the computer must be wrong. The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. -Weinberg, p.152 The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers. - Hamming The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim. (Edsger W. Dijkstra) The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. The real question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward to tomorrow or past to the back! (Dan Quayle) The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. (CalvinTrillin) The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. (Mark Twain) The reverse side also has a reverse side. (Japanese Proverb) The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. (Mark Russell) The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. (Jackie Gleason) The sky already fell. Now what? (Rod Schmidt) The Soviet Union does not exist any more in its present format. The steady state of disks is full. (Ken Thompson) The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes. (William Shakespeare) The time it takes to clean up after a computer virus is inversely proportional to the time it took to do the damage. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. (Franklin P. Jones) The US has a vital interest in that area of the country. (Dan Quayle (referring to Latin America.)) The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. The way to a person's heart is through the left ventricle. The whole is the sum of its parts, plus one or more bugs The wise person writes bomb-proof code. The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!! The world is full of willing people: Some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. (Robert Frost) The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out. The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion. There are always at least two ways to program the same thing. There are never any bugs you haven't found yet. There are only two kinds of computer users. Those whose hard disk has crashed and those whose hard disk hasn't crashed - yet. There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up. (Rex Stout) There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. (Jeremy S. Anderson) There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can. (Mark Twain) There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works. There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad program. There is an exception to every rule, except this one. There is no problem that, when programmed just right, isn't more complicated. There is no such thing as a convincing argument, although every man thinks he has one. (Oscar Wilde) There is no use in your walking five miles to fish when you can depend on being just as unsuccessful near home. (Mark Twain) There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. (Winston Churchill) There is nothing worse than a sharp image of a fuzzy concept. (Ansel Adams) There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. (Oscar Wilde) There must be more to life than compile-and-go. There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators. (Steven Wright) There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. (Steven Wright) There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. (Steven Wright) There's no future in time travel. There's no such thing as gravity - the earth sucks. There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. (Will Rogers) There's nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure. (Ross MacDonald) There's nothing wrong with the average person that a good psychiatrist can't exaggerate. (Toronto Star Newspaper) There's too much blood in my caffeine system. They tell you that you'll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don't tell you is that you won't miss it very much. (Malcolm Cowley) They were really tough - they used to tie their tomatoes on the end of a yo-yo, so they could hit you twice. (Bob Hope) Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. (Lily Tomlin) Things are more like they used to be than they are now. Thirty-five is a very attractive age, London society is full of people of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. (Oscar Wilde) This election is about who's going to be the next President of the United States! (Dan Quayle) This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. This login session: $13.76, but for you: $11.88. This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons. This screen intentionally left blank. This system will self-destruct in five minutes. This time it will surely run. Thomas Alva Edselson: Inventor of the electric lemon. Those of you who think you know everything are truly annoying to those of us who do. Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK! Those who can, do. Those who can't, write. Those who can't write, write manuals. Those who can't write, write help files. Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address. (Lane Olinghouse) Those who tell you it's tough at the top have never been at the bottom. (Joe Harvey) Thrashing is just virtual crashing. Time is money, and many people pay their debts with it. (Josh Billings) Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once. Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students (Henry Louis Mencken) To be, or not to be, those are the parameters. To define recursion, we must first define recursion. To err is human - to blame it on a computer is even more so. To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System. To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer. To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa. To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. - Robert Heller To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. (Oscar Wilde) To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator Today's subliminal thought is: Too caustic? To hell with the cost; we'll make the picture anyway. (Samuel Goldwyn) Too clever is dumb. (Ogden Nash) Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes... Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economise it. (Mark Twain) Try not to let implementation details sneak into design documents. Trying to establish voice contact: please yell into keyboard. Two hippies stood on the beach staring out toward the horizon. The first hippie said, "Look at all that water, man!" "Yeah," said the second hippie. "And that's just the top! UFO's are real. The Air Force doesn't exist. Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character. (Oscar Levant) Undocumented Windows Error #11: Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups. Undocumented Windows Error #12: ...File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Undocumented Windows Error #17: Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. Undocumented Windows Error #2: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened Undocumented Windows Error #3: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of Undocumented Windows Error #4: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! Undocumented Windows Error #5: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure. Undocumented Windows Error #7: Access denied -- nah nah na nah nah! Undocumented Windows Error #8: C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. Undocumented Windows Error #9: Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay... UNIX is a computer virus with a user interface. UNIX is many things to many people, but it has never been everything to anybody. Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before. US out of North America, NOW!! (Richard O'Rourke) Use free-form input where possible. Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure. Use your own best judgment at all times. (The entire Nordstrom's Department Stores policy manual) USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue. User: A harmless drudge. Variables won't; constants aren't. (Don Osborn) Villager: She turned me into a newt. (Looks at himself for some time) I got better. (Monty Python) Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard? Visionary is a self-fulfilling prophet. Don't predict the future. Create it. (Leland Kaiser) Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD! Wagner's music is better than it sounds. (Mark Twain) Waiter, there's no fly in my soup! (Kermit the Frog) Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. I bought the latest computer; it came fully loaded. It was guaranteed for 90 days, but in 30 was outmoded! - "The Wall Street Journal" passed along by Big Red Computer's 'Scarlett' We are the knights who say, 'NIE!' (Monty Python) We constantly seem to be attempting to use yesterday's organisation to get us to tomorrow, which won't even be there when we arrive. (S. Davis) We have really everything in common with America nowadays, except, of course, language. (Oscar Wilde) We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over. (Ambrose Bierce) We learn geology the morning after the earthquake. (Ralph Waldo Emerson) We must believe in free will. We have no choice. (Isaac Bashevis Singer) We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed without them in 'Red Storm Rising'. (Dan Quayle) We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. (Albert Einstein) We spend more time working for our labor-saving machines than they do working for us. We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world. (Dan Quayle) Westheimer's Time Estimation Rule: Estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, add 3, and change the unit of measure to the next higher unit. What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is. (Dan Quayle) What did the elephant say to the naked man? How can you breathe through that? What do computer engineers use for birth control? Their personalities. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? What is the use of straining after an amiable view of things, when a cynical view is most likely to be the true one? (George Bernard Shaw) What makes information a powerful tool is that others don't have it. (Scott Manuel) What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer. What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expected generally happens. (Benjamin Disraeli) What we want is a story that starts with an earthquake and works its way up to a climax. (Samuel Goldwyn) Whatever hits from the fan will not evenly distribute When a hammer is the only tool, every problem looks like a nail. When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity. (Albert Einstein) When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes. When all else fails read the instructions. (Agnes Allen) When all else fails, let a = 7. If that doesn't help, then read the manual. When everybody thinks alike - nobody thinks much. (Dee Dickinson) When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. When I die, I want to go like my grandfather ... in his sleep, not screaming like the passengers in his car. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. (Henry Youngman) When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished a how much he had learned in seven years. (Mark Twain) When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not. (Mark Twain) When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder. (James Boren) When skinning your customers, you should leave some skin on to grow so that you can skin them again. (Nikolai Krushchev) When Solomon said that there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking an automobile. (Bob Edwards) When two trains are approaching each other at a crossing, they shall both come to a full stop, and neither shall start up until the other has gone. (Notice in a railway engineer's office in Kansas) When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't. When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. When you come to a fork in the road, take it. (Yogi Berra) When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. (Franklin Delano Roosevelt) When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad things you did do - that's Memoirs. (Will Rogers) Where no man has gone before (on the wall of the women's restroom on the Enterprise) Where the system is concerned, you are not allowed to ask "Why?". Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk? Whoever undertakes to set himself up as judge in the field of truth and knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the Gods. (Albert Einstein) Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway? (Steven Wright) Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users? Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!" Why, that's the most unheard-of thing I've ever heard of. (Joseph McCarthy) I heard that Bill Gates's wedding night will be less than blissful for his new bride. She will find out why his company is named Microsoft. Will the information superhighway have any rest stops? WindowError:001 - Windows loaded. System in danger. WindowError:002 - No error...Yet. WindowError:003 - Dynamic linking error.\ n. Your mistake is now in every file. WindowError:004 - Erroneous error. Nothing wrong. WindowError:005 - Multitasking attempted. System confused. WindowError:006 - Malicious error. Desqview found on drive. WindowError:007 - System price error. Inadequate money spent. WindowError:008 - Broken window. Watch for glass fragments. WindowError:009 - Horrible bug encountered. God knows what happened. WindowError:00A - Promotional literature overflow. Mailbox full. WindowError:00B - Inadequate disk space. Need 50 Mb minimum. WindowError:00C - Memory hog error. More RAM needed! More! More! WindowError:00D - Window closed. Don't look out. WindowError:00E - Window open. Don't look in. WindowError:00F - Unexplained error. Please tell us how it happened. WindowError:010 - Reserved for future mistakes. WindowError:014 - Nonexistent error. This cannot really be happening! WindowError:015 - Unable to exit Windows. Try the Door. WindowError:016 - Door locked. Try control-alt-delete. WindowError:017 - Keyboard locked. Try anything you can think of! WindowError:018 - Unrecoverable error. System destroyed. WindowError:019 - User error. It's not our fault. Is not! Is not! WindowError:01A - Operating system overwritten. Terribly sorry. WindowError:01B - Illegal error. Do NOT get this error. WindowError:01C - Uncertainty error. Uncertainty may be inadequate. WindowError:01D - Unable to figure out our own code. System crashed. WindowError:01E - Timing error. Please wait. ..And wait ...And wait WindowError:01F - Reserved for future mistakes. WindowError:020 - Error recording error codes.\n. Remaining errors lost. Windows NT: from the people who invented edlin. Windows: Just another pane in the glass. Winston Churchill sat next to Lady Astor at dinner one day. She turned to him and said, "Mr. Churchill, if I was married to you, I should put poison in your coffee". Mr. Churchill turned to her and said, "Madam, if I was married to you I should drink it!" Wise man: One who sees the storm coming before the clouds appear. (Elbert Hubbard) Wise men don't need advice. Fools won't take it. (Benjamin Franklin) Work is the curse of the drinking classes. (Oscar Wilde) Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. (Mark Twain) X Windows: A new concept in abuser interfaces. X Windows: A new level of software disintegration. X Windows: Armageddon never looked so good. X Windows: Form follows malfunction. X Windows: It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow. X Windows: Putting new limits on productivity. X Windows: The next best thing to keypunching. X Windows: The trailing edge of software technology. X Windows: THE user interference management system. X Windows: The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1. X Windows: There ARE no rules. X Windows: You haven't died 'til you've used it. X Windows: You'd better sit down. Years of development: We finally got one to work. You are not thinking. You are merely being logical. (Neils Bohr to Albert Einstein) You are too narrow-minded if you can see through a keyhole with both eyes. You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. (Al Capone) You can lead a horticulture, but you cannot make her think. You can observe a lot just by watching. (Yogi Berra) You can't fool me - there is no Sanity Clause. You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME. You can't make a program without broken egos. You couldn't get me on Mars if it were the last place on earth. (Erma Cohen) You depend too much on computers for information. You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer. You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that version. You get what you pay for. If you want nice, clean oats, you must pay a fair price. However, if you can be satisfied with oats that have already been through the horse ... that comes a little cheaper. You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. You have junk mail. You have to have a serious streak in you, or you can't see the funny side of the other fellow. (Will Rogers) You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, MINE are even WORSE! You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password. You know you've been spending too much time on the Internet when every colon appears as a pair of eyes: see what I mean? You might have mail. You never finish a program, you just stop working on it. You ought to take the bull between the teeth. (Samuel Goldwyn) You should avoid hedging. At least that's what I think. You should hardly ever equivocate. You will spend the rest of your life in the future. Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage. Your fault, core dumped. Your password is pitifully obvious. You're using a keyboard! How quaint! ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume. ZMODEM: Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII...

  • Tephlon (unregistered)

    I bet the USPS has another server called "Gundam"... Or, if they really know their stuff: "MazingerZ". :-)

  • Warren (unregistered)

    OK, it maybe been mapped. What if you clicked Cancel? Would it maybe not been mapped no more?

  • Phil (unregistered)

    Ryan could also place another computer opposite and attach a pen to the CD drive to push the reset key. Good advice I learnt from a previous WTF

  • (cs) in reply to LEGO
    LEGO:
    Keith:
    At that rate and payment schedule, I'll take a USD $Infinity loan please.

    Too late. Congress already beat you to it. They are trying to bail out the Titanic.

    Yes... Perhaps George Dubbya got that same offer for the 0% loan. Or on the other hand, maybe all the 0% loans issued were the cause of this whole problem.

  • AdT (unregistered) in reply to Keith
    Keith:
    At that rate and payment schedule, I'll take a USD $Infinity loan please.

    Are you prepared to pay interests amounting to $NaN?

  • James (unregistered) in reply to Keith
    Keith:
    At that rate and payment schedule, I'll take a USD $Infinity loan please.

    Too late - the Worlds' banks got there first.

  • Shill (unregistered) in reply to Buddy
    Buddy:
    Keith:
    At that rate and payment schedule, I'll take a USD $Infinity loan please.

    Ack, zero times +infinity is an undefined positive quantity. That means the bank could ask you for anything at all.

    But you will have an infinite amount. Them asking for any positive quantity from that is OK with me.

  • teamdata (unregistered)

    A 800 line coax.php file should be a WTF by itself anyway...

  • Lina (unregistered)

    you have some really good posts here. Im going to spend the next few days reading them. i love your writing style and I’m really happy to visited your blog. keep those posts coming I really enjoy your site.

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  • Netrilix (unregistered) in reply to Loco

    I doubt it's the same FAST. The business end of USPS uses a system called FAST (Facility Access and Shipment Tracking) that maintains their full database of which post offices are where, where mail is being directed to be sorted, etc. It's also the system we use to make appointments for business drops at the various Sectional Centers, so toward the end of the business day, it's usually overloaded with people making appointments.

  • Buy RS Gold (unregistered)

    The rockets are most in need of reinforcement is center; Howard is easily the best choice. He is the most suitable for the team with the core Martin partner, the question now is whether the rockets can give magic enough points, which have Howard. Although Mr Howard said if leave magic, he wants to join a team in a position. While the rockets can't meet the requirements of the current Howard, but if Howard wants to leave magic, apparently magic don't want a repeat lose James mistakes of the knights.

  • rostyslav (unregistered)

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