• (cs)

    Death to all Office assistants!!!

  • KD (unregistered)

    I just want to say that helpdesk stories are always great fun - please keep them coming. One day I would really love to see a whole series in the same style as the other regulars like Error'd and CodeSOD. You could call it "HeckDesk", as in 'Tech Desk'. Well, umm, I guess I'll leave you guys to think up a name...

  • (cs)

    priting?

  • Bobble (unregistered)

    Air tied?

  • L (unregistered)

    Not my office assistant...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    Ah the joys of I.T.

  • BarryBF (unregistered)

    porthole? portal?

  • (cs) in reply to BarryBF
    BarryBF:
    porthole? portal?
    porthole. help desk runs a tight ship.
  • (cs) in reply to KD

    Oh, so many stories. Most of the users here are pretty savvy, but I still get the occasional dumb call, and some petty issues.

    -user couldn't create new email messages. Remoted to user's machine, restarted outlook. No effect. Noticed that a taskbar icon was flashing. Turns out she had something on her escape key. -general how to issues for people using Excel for purposes better suited by word, and vice versa. -Our VNC tool disables the background to save on bandwidth. Often we'll get the followup call, 'what happened to my background?' -I did PT tech support for a major US electronics retailer (rhymes with Shmircuit Shitty) and 4/5 employees had trouble generating an LDAP password that had very basic guidelines. (8-10 characters including at least one number) -Actually did get a call during a building fire alarm asking what to do.

    Every helpdesk monkey has stories likes these. Glad I got off the 'desk.

    Addendum (2008-09-11 16:03): Thought of a few more. Two are outright liers.

    • The click to select feature in Excel was turned on. Everytime you click it highlighted to that cell. Turned on and off by Shift-F8: Them: "How did it turn on" Me: "You hit the F8 Key" T: "No I didn't" M: "Well, that's the only way to turn it on" T: "I didn't hit the key" M: "Perhaps you hit it while trying to enter a left parentheses. F8 is right above the 9 key. T: "Oh.... perhaps you're right"

    • The maximum email message size is 8MB - been like that forever. Every so often I'd get a call: Them: "I can't send this email" Me: "Is there an attachment?" T: "Yes" M: "And what size is the attachment?" T: "33 em-bees" M: "That's way too large. Maximum attachment size is just under 8 megabytes" T: "I used to be able to send these attachments" M: "That attachment size limit has been around for quite a while" T: "Oh"

    • and finally, we have 2 or 3 users that have literally filled up their entire desktop screen area with icons. It's rediculous. I've received two calls saying that they couldn't find a particular icon on their desktop.

  • (cs)

    After Stephanie got her computer back:

    4/9/2008 8:09 GMT;MAURICE A; User called, said, "I miss my Roachies!" After some time, I realized she meant the roaches that were removed from her computer.I explained that they were taken out. user said, "that is unacceptible! i don't believe you".

    4/9/2008 9:56 GMT;MAURICE A; my manager received call from user. he came laughing his ass off into my office. told me to put roaches back in machine.

    4/9/2008 10:23 GMT;MAURICE A; Roaches inserted back into machine. Remove RAID configuration so roaches would live.

    4/9/2008 12:02 GMT;MAURICE A; User called back, complained that the roaches were in color before, but are no longer in color.

  • (cs)

    I know computers are warm inside (I've seen stories of UPS units infested with ants)...but wouldn't a user notice that their PC was infested with roaches?

    I will concede that if the PC's state was indicative of the way the luser kept the rest of her house she probably didn't even notice.

  • AnonCoward23 (unregistered) in reply to A Nonny Mouse

    You mean a "tied ship", surely.

  • (cs)

    The last one is not a WTF. The Clippy things were actually quite popular with certain users. Yes, those users did not include computer nerds, but ... so what? Here's a clue: not everything is intended for you.

  • (cs)
    Customer: "...the first six copies came out fine..." Helpdesk: "...so I walked him through the standard steps: making sure he could connect to the printer..."
    Yep, sounds like every helpdeskie I've ever dealt with.
  • Some Wonk (unregistered)

    "It looks like you're writing a comment." "It looks like you're writing a comment." "It looks like you're writing a comment." "It looks like you're writing a comment." "It looks like you're writing a comment." "It looks like you're writing a comment." "It looks like you're writing a comment."

  • sammysam (unregistered)

    I've been waiting for the day that I see something from the company I work at hit the DailyWTF...though, I was expecting code - not cockroaches.

  • (cs) in reply to jordteic
    jordteic:
    4/9/2008 10:23 GMT;MAURICE A; Roaches inserted back into machine. Remove RAID configuration so roaches would live.

    The way a pun ought to be told: with subtlety. Brilliant.

  • h (unregistered) in reply to Jesse
    Jesse:
    The way a pun ought to be told: with subtlety. Brilliant.
    And pointing it out does not make it better... -.-
  • (cs) in reply to sammysam
    sammysam:
    I've been waiting for the day that I see something from the company I work at hit the DailyWTF...though, I was expecting code - not cockroaches.

    I see Eagan, MN in the ticket information. What company is it, Ecolab?

  • (cs) in reply to Some Wonk
    Some Wonk:
    "It looks like you're writing a comment." "It looks like you're writing a comment." "It looks like you're writing a comment." "It looks like you're writing a comment." "It looks like you're writing a comment." "It looks like you're writing a comment." "It looks like you're writing a comment."

    Fake. If that was really a office assistant, it would be suggesting something toatlly different like,

    "It looks like you're designing a paper plane"

    or

    "It looks like you're writing an invitation to your excentric great uncle's funeral next week"

    I remember one time when I managed to get all the way down to "Yours Faithfully", at which point that damn paper clip jumped up with "It looks like you're writing a letter!!!!" (At least the random number generator guessed it right though)

  • KC (unregistered)

    Ugh, the thought of that annoying paper clip or dog makes me cringe. Ironically, as I'm typing this I just got a popup informing me that Outlook has encountered an error and needs to close.. at least it apologized for the inconvenience ;)

  • Fire Brigade (unregistered) in reply to Nexzus
    Nexzus:
    Oh, so many stories.

    -Actually did get a call during a building fire alarm asking what to do.

    Conversely, I once had tried to install a display driver on my Windows XP company laptop that Windows XP didn't think was meant for Windows XP. It beeped so loudly people actually suggested to check with emergency services to see whether they needed to evacuate the building.

  • IWC (unregistered)
  • Steve (unregistered) in reply to sammysam
    sammysam:
    I've been waiting for the day that I see something from the company I work at hit the DailyWTF...though, I was expecting code - not cockroaches.

    I assume that you are referring to the company with headquarters in Plano, TX? Frito Lay, perhaps?

    :)

  • (cs)

    Man and I thought the laptop I got back from a "departed" user was bad.

    • Keys missing and broken
    • Keys melted by placing cigarettes on the keyboard
    • Cigarette burns all over it, really
    • A sticky substance over all the keys and inside the keyboard (rum & coke?)

    And to top it all off, when I cleaned out the inside with compressed air my desk smelled like I had just smoked three packs of smokes and probably a few joints. I knew I should have taken it outside before I did that but it was like -30 that day...

    Some people just have no respect for company hardware. And we won't even mention all the warez and file sharing apps.

  • Binks (unregistered) in reply to h
    h:
    And pointing it out does not make it better... -.-
    Not true, I for one wouldn't have noticed the joke if it hadn't been pointed out, so it was far better for me.
    Code Dependent:
    Yep, sounds like every helpdeskie I've ever dealt with.
    I may not work help desk but I can't tell you the number of times I've had someone tell me, when asking for help, that something worked X times when it wasn't even connected. Trying to help someone with their wireless network I listened as they informed me that they had been able to connect just fine until that day, and then I found out they didn't even have a wireless router (just a modem). No nearby networks/neighbor houses either (fairly remote area) so I to this day have no idea how they were connecting to the internet wirelessly with a modem :P.
  • Bob (unregistered)

    "It looks like you're inserting ball-point pens into your eyes and screaming for a non-existent animated character to just leave you the hell alone already. Would you like some help?"

    The only possible way that Microsoft could ever redeem themsleves for the Office Assistant is to include a feature whereby instead of turning it off, you can kill it with knives and guns and fire and death.

    BTW, props for the Lego cartoon above - genius, and so painfully true.

  • JamesQMurphy (unregistered) in reply to webhamster
    webhamster:
    - A sticky substance over all the keys and inside the keyboard (rum & coke?)
    You hope it's rum & coke. What if he was viewing porn?
  • wtfdude (unregistered) in reply to Code Dependent
    Code Dependent:
    Customer: "...the first six copies came out fine..." Helpdesk: "...so I walked him through the standard steps: making sure he could connect to the printer..."
    Yep, sounds like every helpdeskie I've ever dealt with.

    No kidding. I hate help desk people that can't think for themselves. OBVIOUSLY he can connect to the printer if he printed 6 pages. When ever I have to deal with my ISP call center I feel like scalping myself. Can you connect to the internet? "NO THATS WHY IM CALLING YOU WITH A TICKET REQUEST OF MY INTERNET CONNECTION IS DOWN." I mean I know they have to ask some dumb questions as you do have computer illiterate people calling in, but geez. how about you actually use your brain instead of basically being a robot.

  • (cs) in reply to Steve
    Steve:
    sammysam:
    I've been waiting for the day that I see something from the company I work at hit the DailyWTF...though, I was expecting code - not cockroaches.

    I assume that you are referring to the company with headquarters in Plano, TX? Frito Lay, perhaps?

    :)

    There are at least a few corporate headquarters right there. EDS and Texas Instruments come to mind.

  • (cs) in reply to wtfdude
    wtfdude:
    No kidding. I hate help desk people that can't think for themselves. OBVIOUSLY he can connect to the printer if he printed 6 pages. When ever I have to deal with my ISP call center I feel like scalping myself. Can you connect to the internet? "NO THATS WHY IM CALLING YOU WITH A TICKET REQUEST OF MY INTERNET CONNECTION IS DOWN." I mean I know they have to ask some dumb questions as you do have computer illiterate people calling in, but geez. how about you actually use your brain instead of basically being a robot.

    This guy doesn't even grasp the concept that you can put colored paper in a printer and it's not actually "coloring" a white sheet of paper. Is it really outside the realm of possibility that someone else printed something and he thought it was his printout?

    What do you think they will say when you call and tell them "I'm really smart, so you can totally skip all those basic steps"?

  • JamesQMurphy (unregistered) in reply to wtfdude
    wtfdude:
    No kidding. I hate help desk people that can't think for themselves. OBVIOUSLY he can connect to the printer if he printed 6 pages. When ever I have to deal with my ISP call center I feel like scalping myself. Can you connect to the internet? "NO THATS WHY IM CALLING YOU WITH A TICKET REQUEST OF MY INTERNET CONNECTION IS DOWN." I mean I know they have to ask some dumb questions as you do have computer illiterate people calling in, but geez. how about you actually use your brain instead of basically being a robot.

    Amen to that. One of our printers was having trouble loading toner. Despite putting in a fresh cartridge, it would still report "Toner Low." Trying to explain that to our help desk?

    Me: Hi, I'm having trouble with our printer. HD: What's the trouble? Me: I just put in a fresh toner cartridge, but it still says "Toner Low" HD: What's the message again? Me: "Toner Low" HD: Oh, you need to replace the toner cartrdige....

    AAAAAH!

  • (cs)

    The RWTF is the fact that MS let all that revenue out the door when they allowed people to upgrade Outlook without the rest of the office suite.

  • (cs) in reply to JamesQMurphy
    JamesQMurphy:
    Amen to that. One of our printers was having trouble loading toner. Despite putting in a fresh cartridge, it would still report "Toner Low." Trying to explain that to our help desk?

    Me: Hi, I'm having trouble with our printer. HD: What's the trouble? Me: I just put in a fresh toner cartridge, but it still says "Toner Low" HD: What's the message again? Me: "Toner Low" HD: Oh, you need to replace the toner cartrdige....

    AAAAAH!

    Which is why, in a case like this, you either fix it yourself or ignore it. What's the big problem with the printer saying "toner low" anyway? Just tell everyone in your area to ignore it.

  • (cs) in reply to gabba
    gabba:
    The last one is not a WTF. The Clippy things were actually quite popular with certain users. Yes, those users did not include computer nerds, but ... so what? Here's a clue: not everything is intended for you.
    It's a WTF if someone is, as claimed, incapable of using their computer without that stupid thing.

    "OMG, someone stole the fuzzy dice from my rear-view mirror! I can't drive without my fuzzy dice! Fix it fix it fix it!!"

  • JamesQMurphy (unregistered) in reply to Bappi
    Bappi:
    Which is why, in a case like this, you either fix it yourself or ignore it. What's the big problem with the printer saying "toner low" anyway? Just tell everyone in your area to ignore it.

    Fixing printer hardware myself? I'm good with a soldering gun, but not that good. The HP Technician was much better at it, thankfully.

  • Trev (unregistered)
    akatheder:
    This guy doesn't even grasp the concept that you can put colored paper in a printer and it's not actually "coloring" a white sheet of paper. Is it really outside the realm of possibility that someone else printed something and he thought it was his printout?

    What do you think they will say when you call and tell them "I'm really smart, so you can totally skip all those basic steps"?

    And, as most helpdesk folks will attest to, users are complete liars! "But it was working this morning, I used it only an hour ago!". Well that's interesting, considering we pulled the PSU last Friday.

  • some coder (unregistered) in reply to akatherder
    What do you think they will say when you call and tell them "I'm really smart, so you can totally skip all those basic steps"?

    I know what they'll say. Is the computer plugged directly into the modem, with no router in between?

  • fungible (unregistered)

    I used to work for a casino as a network tech. We contracted our printer repair to a local company because our boss didn't believe in training OR spare parts. One day when C. came in, I was the lucky one assigned to "work" with him. Basically, I had to stand around while he worked, which didn't bother me that much because he was cool and had lots of stories. So this day, he's telling me he just got done working on a printer in one of the local hospitals which had been having lots of jams and other problems. The cause of the issue? A dead mouse in the printer.

    Fast forward 18 months to my new job at a local hospital. I walk into my coworker's cube where we keep our Luser hall of fame. On the wall is a helpdesk ticket for a printer. The resolution read as follows: "Had C. from L.T. in to look at printer. Issues caused by dead mouse. Removed, cleaned, and put back in service."

    I just saw C. today, and we joked about that mouse.

  • (cs) in reply to Binks
    Binks:
    I may not work help desk but I can't tell you the number of times I've had someone tell me, when asking for help, that something worked X times when it wasn't even connected. Trying to help someone with their wireless network I listened as they informed me that they had been able to connect just fine until that day, and then I found out they didn't even have a wireless router (just a modem). No nearby networks/neighbor houses either (fairly remote area) so I to this day have no idea how they were connecting to the internet wirelessly with a modem :P.
    We can because the internet is all around us. (open arms and looks up, in great awe) It's everywhere!! </clueless>

    Addendum (2008-09-11 13:07): I wanted to put this link when I first post my comment, but I couldn't find it then

  • (cs) in reply to Bappi
    Bappi:
    Which is why, in a case like this, you either fix it yourself or ignore it. What's the big problem with the printer saying "toner low" anyway? Just tell everyone in your area to ignore it.
    Good approach. When your house plumbing develops a leak, just shut off the water at the meter and ignore it.
  • Nerf Herder (unregistered) in reply to Code Dependent

    I don't work for the help desk, but my favorite developer email/call recently went like this:

    User: "You are missing $9 million from the report for this month. Nancy told me they got $9 million in business this month and your report is WRONG"

    My Boss: "Nerf Herder I am getting frantic emails about $9 million missing from your file - what went wrong?"

    Me: "I just looked at the table and there is no data for the month, let alone $9 million. Let me call Nancy and find out what is going on"

    Nancy: "I have no idea what went wrong - your form must be deleting our data!"

    10 minutes later I get an email from Nancy cc'ing a bunch of folks.

    Dear Mike, You must actually go into the form and enter the data into the system otherwise it will not get on the file. Please go ahead and do so as soon as possible.

    Nancy.

    WHEW CRISIS AVERTED!!!

  • wiffleball (unregistered) in reply to Publius
    Publius:
    I see Eagan, MN in the ticket information. What company is it, Ecolab?

    Could also be Northwest Airlines or Thomson West.

  • LolMorans (unregistered) in reply to akatherder

    wtfdude: Wow, you're just as stupid as the users these stories make fun of. The dude obviously didn't know the difference between a color copy and a colored piece of paper. Its totally reasonable to ask if the printer is plugged in correctly.

  • (cs) in reply to LolMorans
    LolMorans:
    wtfdude: Wow, you're just as stupid as blah blah blah
    Just guessing here: your name is supposed to be representative of you laughing at the stupidity of the "morans" here, right?
  • Al (unregistered)

    I used to do laser printer repair onsite. When I say "repair" it usually consisted of diagnosing problems and installing maintenance kits, replacing fusers, that sort of thing.

    One day I was replacing a fuser. I slightly tilted the printer forward to get more light on the screws. As I was pulling the fuser out, a screw I was holding slipped out of my hand, bounced around, and rolled into a tiny hole that was previously hidden. I can see the screw, but I can't reach it. I study the printer for a few minutes and before calling the help desk for the company that sent me out. It was a warranty call and they were supposed to be on hand to help technicians in the field.

    I tell them my problem, state I see the screw but I can't reach it. I want to know the best way to get to that particular spot of the printer. The conversation went like this:

    (snip boring verification stuff) Me: Hi. I am replacing a fuser and accidentally dropped a screw in a tiny hole that was exposed after I removed the fuser. I can see the screw but can't get to it. Help: Are you sure you didn't drop the screw on the floor?
    Me: I'm sure. I am looking in the hole and i can see the screw laying loose but I can't get to it. I tried to take the side off but it seems more complicated than I had hoped. I would like to figure out the easiest way to get to it. Help: OK, hold on I have that printer here so I can take the fuser out for a better idea. Me: But I... (wait 10 minutes) Help: OK, I took the fuser out but there's no hole there. Me: (Getting annoyed in a "you have to be kidding me" sort of way and speaking bluntly) Yes there is. I'm looking at it. I can see the screw insi... Help: There's no hole in my printer. Are you sure you didn't drop the screw on the floor? Check around where you're standing. Me: (Finally had enough) You know what, I never thought about that. Thanks, I'll look on the floor. click

    At the risk of spilling toner everywhere, I shook the hell out of the printer until the screw moved to a more favorable position and I was able to retrieve it. Yeah, it's not the best story, but that guy was an ass.

  • Ben4jammin (unregistered)
    And, as most helpdesk folks will attest to, users are complete liars! "But it was working this morning, I used it only an hour ago!". Well that's interesting, considering we pulled the PSU last Friday.
    The problem I had when I worked helpdesk was trying to figure out the ones that were lying vs the ones that simple didn't know how to explain what the issue is. If you don't know the proper names of technical stuff I can overlook that (like the woman that referred to her entire computer as a "modem"). If you are intentionally lying to cover your a$$ you obviously don't know about server logs. Like the woman who said that she hadn't been able to print for 3 days when the logs clearly showed that she HAD printed and the real issue was that she had missed a deadline and was attempting to deflect blame. I guess what I am trying to say is that I can tolerate ignorance much better than deception. But sometimes they look a lot alike.
  • anon (unregistered) in reply to Code Dependent
    Code Dependent:
    Customer: "...the first six copies came out fine..." Helpdesk: "...so I walked him through the standard steps: making sure he could connect to the printer..."
    Yep, sounds like every helpdeskie I've ever dealt with.

    Yeah, this is TRWTF... Doesn't anyone know how to troubleshoot anymore?

  • Global Warmer (unregistered)

    One company I worked for my cube was next to our network admin/IT guru's cube. I use to laugh my ass off listening to him on the phone. He would hang up, look at me, put his finger to his head like it was a gun and pull the trigger.

  • (cs) in reply to Al
    Al:
    ...I shook the hell out of the printer until the screw moved to a more favorable position and I was able to retrieve it.
    Just off the top of my head, not knowing what resources you had available: maybe, some chewed-up gum on the end of a pencil?
  • (cs)

    4/7/2008 14:09 GMT;ROBERT J; The Daily WTF is not like it was before. Half of the damn MFD's are lame as hell, and everyone I ask doesn't even know why. At least I got an interview using the job board. Too bad the damn company hired somebody else. Not that I'm bitter or anything.

    4/7/2008 15:11 GMT;ROBERT J; I just got back from the bathroom. Spotted some weird chafing on my inner thigh. I think this means my pants really are too tight. Size 36 pants here I come? Good god, I am so fat.

    4/7/2008 16:22 GMT;ROBERT J; Listening to my boss churning out lines of code for the past hour has aroused some type of twisted desire in me. I suddenly have the urge to bite into his skull. I can't stop tapping my foot either. Maybe I should talk to my doctor about that restless leg thing after all.

    4/7/2008 18:21 GMT;ROBERT J; Back from the bathroom. What? It's not like I'm trying to kill time or anything. Seriously, I've never vomited so violently in my life. I'm pretty sure I was levitating for a little while there. I really think it was a bad idea to eat those leftovers in the fridge...

    4/7/2008 19:14 GMT;ROBERT J; Urrghh... data... bytes. Five lines of... urrrrggghhhh...

    4/7/2008 20:34 GMT;ROBERT J; Mphh. Urrrrrggh... Hi Boss... tasty... URRGH!

    4/7/2008 21:34 GMT;ROBERT J; <No entry>

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