The Daily WTF: Curious Perversions in Information Technology

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

Rfoxmich:
That would be the part where the firstname/lastname are part of the primary key right?
capcha dolor - Steve gets far to many dolors

Sock Puppet 5:
I'm waiting for the sequel, where Derek finds out that the real reason Steve was stonewalling has some sort of dependency on the last name field.
Steve:
We need their name.

That's where I thought it was headed, too.

Zolcos · 2011-09-20 Reply Admin

Melnorme:
This: [snip] does not follow from this: [snip]

With a rebuttal like that, I can see this debate is going places.

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

So let me get this straight - he modified the nullability of a database column, WITHOUT (by his own admission) checking what queries used it, and how they used it (unless we're being led to believe that the insert was the ONLY statement referencing the column?).

The guy in the first instance said no to a typical developer request "my data violates your constraint - therefore remove your constraint". Not a bad thing. Don't villanise him. Should have listened to a more reasoned argument, though.

I fail to see how Derek is the "hero" of this story. Seems like another reckless "fix it for my problem, screw the rest of you" developer.

C-Octothorpe · 2011-09-20 Reply Admin

frits:
The Article:
Eventually, his manager dropped a deuce, threw his hands in the air and told Derek, "Just figure something out."
:O Derek's job sounds shitty.

My eyes zoomed right in on that one too... I think I would be offended if someone dropped a deuce in my presence... and I hadn't paid her to do it...

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

What's the over/under that the devs were using the person name as some sort of key?

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

C-Octothorpe:
I think I would be offended if someone dropped a deuce in my presence... and I hadn't paid her to do it...

Let's not let this turn into defamation of the perfectly natural eroticism of fecal matter:

Fecal matter still contains valuable nutrients. Especially that of the elderly.
Fecal matter is routinely consumed and used recreationally by mammals similar to humans.
Fecal matter has been used to construct dwellings for millennia.
Fecal matter has a variety of textures and so increases the tactile and olfactory variety of lovemaking.

So before anyone expresses disgust for coprophilia, coprophagia, or related practices, I ask: Have you ever tried it? Like I always say: If you say you don't or can't enjoy coprophiliac lovemaking, you've never tried it.

How can you say Poo-Love is any less valid an expression of emotion than Clean-Love?

Kuba · 2011-09-20 Reply Admin

Ryan:
This kind of internal fighting happens often, and the only party that really suffers is the customer. From their perspective, it looks like people are just sitting around ignoring them.
Additionally the RWTF here is that nothing was done to bridge the gap between the two teams, meaning that this will happen again.

Why can't people just work on their company's mission? Isn't there enough silly college girls to go around so that everyone can be told their penis is the biggest? </sarcasm>

shadowman · 2011-09-20 Reply Admin

Zolcos:
I didn't get it at first. "The Zed-Liminator?" Ah. American English.

Even considering the equally valid "zed" pronunciation of Z, I don't see how you could come to "Zed-Liminator" from seeing "Zliminator". Do you pronounce Zebra as "Zed-ebra" too?

It's presumably supposed to be pronounced like Zee-liminator, a play-on-rhyme with eliminator -- not like sliminator. Sort of like Xray, Qbert, or TBone.

Zebra is pronounced as such because it has an E in it. If it were spelled Zbra, your comment might make sense.

Also, bad example because 'mericans pronounce it like Zee-brah, and brits pronounce it as if it rhymes with Deborah.

Kuba · 2011-09-20 Reply Admin

SMOCK SMOCK SMOCK SMOCK SMOCK:
Jeff:
So, how have you effectively dealt with moronic situations like this? Remember -- he who complains is the troublemaker, not he who engages in offensive behavior all day long.
untested solution: Baby monitor with one end near the assholes and the other in their/your/a boss's office.

Better solution: record an actual crying baby and play it out to the obnoxious folk. There's nothing more long-term annoying than a crying baby.

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

The real WTF is the split teams: you have one team working off one definition than other. i.e., "We require student names." versus "We cant' require student names." Steve really won out (I agree with him). No one told him that the requirements changed. Sure, Derek from "the other team" said as much, but he nor his manager really seemed to have authority over the "main team." Derek's whole job was just to take an application built of of X requirements and make work around it to satisfy Y requirements. Well, you can't do that when X and Y directly conflict.

The WTF occurred because this really should have gone back to definition. The most elegant way of handling this is allowing the application to know of COPPA and storing consensual information.

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

shadowman:
Zolcos:
I didn't get it at first. "The Zed-Liminator?" Ah. American English.

Even considering the equally valid "zed" pronunciation of Z, I don't see how you could come to "Zed-Liminator" from seeing "Zliminator". Do you pronounce Zebra as "Zed-ebra" too?

It's presumably supposed to be pronounced like Zee-liminator, a play-on-rhyme with eliminator -- not like sliminator. Sort of like Xray, Qbert, or TBone.

Zebra is pronounced as such because it has an E in it. If it were spelled Zbra, your comment might make sense.

Also, bad example because 'mericans pronounce it like Zee-brah, and brits pronounce it as if it rhymes with Deborah.

I think we can all agree (sic) that the English pronunciation is correct. After all, what is American English but a poor, bastardised copy of actual English?

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

David F. Skoll:
I didn't get it at first. "The Zed-Liminator?"
Ah. American English.

I never understood why you Canadians add two letters to "z". When you go to the record store, do you ask for "Zed-Zed Top"?

The Canadian Alphabet:

A,eh,B,eh,C,eh,...X,eh,Y,eh,Zed.

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

Kuba:
There's nothing more long-term annoying than a crying baby.

Which begs for someone to ask the question (see what I did there?) why does the species keep popping them out since they are (a) annoying (b) expensive (c) bad for the environment?

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

Erik:
Why was empty string not an option? Even if the field is NOT NULL it can still be zero-length string.

They're running Oracle, which has the great "feature" of magically converting empty strings to NULLs. True story!

I swear Oracle makes their product just different enough from the rest of the world that once you're hooked it's too damn difficult to get away. Which doesn't explain why anyone would switch to them in the first place...

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

Man, fuck Timmy. I hate that kid.

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

Jeff:
OK now that we've dealt with today's WTF, here's another. I'm on a team of developers that work all day thinking about code. Some manager thought it would be ideal to put us right next to a gang of a-holes who apparently have no work to do, because all they ever do is discuss sports and the lottery and politics and TV. Very loudly. Which makes it impossible for developers to concentrate on code.
Now, the most obnoxious one of them has decided to grace us with his singing skills. I'm to the point where I want to grab my electric stapler by the power cord, start swinging it David and Goliath style, and silence them all with gentle taps to the side of the head.

Want to. Not going to. Also want to keep my job.

So, how have you effectively dealt with moronic situations like this? Remember -- he who complains is the troublemaker, not he who engages in offensive behavior all day long.

Your team needs to develop some offensive odors.

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

Tony:
what is American English but a poor, bastardised copy of actual English?

Um, "globally dominant English"? Thanks to WWII and Hollywood, we win!

evilspoons · 2011-09-20 Reply Admin

David F. Skoll:
I didn't get it at first. "The Zed-Liminator?"
Ah. American English.

Canadian here; read it as "zlim-in-ator", first syllable pronounced similarly to "slim".

After all, zebras are not "zed-e-bras", they're "zee-bras".

Some damn Yank:
I never understood why you Canadians add two letters to "z". When you go to the record store, do you ask for "Zed-Zed Top"?
The Canadian Alphabet:

A,eh,B,eh,C,eh,...X,eh,Y,eh,Zed.

I'm not a big fan of them, but I do enjoy my Jay-Zed.

(Thank Jeremy Clarkson for that one.)

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

Some damn Yank:
Your team needs to develop some offensive odors.

And I think we have the winning solution! Thank you. I'll be bringing in some kitty litter tomorrow, and a fan, so we don't offend ourselves more than them. With any luck we'll all be moved somewhere far away from the chatterbox time-wasters.

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

Yeah, that's what I got. When something is federally mandated, and someone working for you balks, you find a way to make that employee - or the employee who is taking over their duties - do it anyway.

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

Some damn Yank:
David F. Skoll:
I didn't get it at first. "The Zed-Liminator?"
Ah. American English.
I never understood why you Canadians add two letters to "z". When you go to the record store, do you ask for "Zed-Zed Top"?

The Canadian Alphabet:

A,eh,B,eh,C,eh,...X,eh,Y,eh,Zed.

Canadians? Try like, the entire rest of the world

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

Zolcos:
Derek is the WTF here, not Steve.

I respectfully disagree; Steve is a blockhead, but Derek's manager is the WTF. Derek implemented a horrible cowboy solution, but his manager put him in a position where he had to do it (or something more likely to get him fired). This should have been passed up until it reached someone with the authority to add it to Steve's requirements, but Derek's manager didn't have the spine for that, so he kicked it back down with an order to make the problem go away. He should be issued a mop and bucket and reassigned to new duties.

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

I can't believe no one has identified the real WTF here, which is the government regulation, of course.

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

Kuba:
SMOCK SMOCK SMOCK SMOCK SMOCK:
Jeff:
So, how have you effectively dealt with moronic situations like this? Remember -- he who complains is the troublemaker, not he who engages in offensive behavior all day long.
untested solution: Baby monitor with one end near the assholes and the other in their/your/a boss's office.
Better solution: record an actual crying baby and play it out to the obnoxious folk. There's nothing more long-term annoying than a crying baby.

My dog's crying is significantly more annoying than a crying baby. It's slightly worse than The Most Annoying Sound from Dumb and Dumber.

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

Beta:
Zolcos:
Derek is the WTF here, not Steve.

I respectfully disagree; Steve is a blockhead, but Derek's manager is the WTF. Derek implemented a horrible cowboy solution, but his manager put him in a position where he had to do it (or something more likely to get him fired). This should have been passed up until it reached someone with the authority to add it to Steve's requirements, but Derek's manager didn't have the spine for that, so he kicked it back down with an order to make the problem go away. He should be issued a mop and bucket and reassigned to new duties.

Yep. All parties managed to insufflate in this three-way.

rar

"There's no 'I' in team, but there's a 'u' in suck." - BOFH

vidar712 · 2011-09-20 Reply Admin

Some damn Yank:
Jeff:
OK now that we've dealt with today's WTF, here's another. I'm on a team of developers that work all day thinking about code. Some manager thought it would be ideal to put us right next to a gang of a-holes who apparently have no work to do, because all they ever do is discuss sports and the lottery and politics and TV. Very loudly. Which makes it impossible for developers to concentrate on code.
Now, the most obnoxious one of them has decided to grace us with his singing skills. I'm to the point where I want to grab my electric stapler by the power cord, start swinging it David and Goliath style, and silence them all with gentle taps to the side of the head.

Want to. Not going to. Also want to keep my job.

So, how have you effectively dealt with moronic situations like this? Remember -- he who complains is the troublemaker, not he who engages in offensive behavior all day long.
Your team needs to develop some offensive odors.

You just need some Indian programmers in your office. We had one of our Indian programmers in for six months. The smell started to taper off until his wife started cooking for him. After that he smelled like he just left India. My coworker, in the cube next to him, ended up with two plug in air fresheners and a jar of oil (with the sticks). She had to keep them for a couple months after he left.

Moral of the story: Skip the cat feces and start eating curry.

(Our singer's favorite song is Margaritaville.) Now I can't listen to the song without thinking ...Argaritaville. ... ...um ...Shaker and salt.

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

True dat:
Kuba:
There's nothing more long-term annoying than a crying baby.
Which begs for someone to ask the question (see what I did there?) why does the species keep popping them out since they are (a) annoying (b) expensive (c) bad for the environment?

Basic Darwinism. Those who don't reproduce don't contribute to future generations. This includes not only the genetics, although they don't matter much to this argument, but in particular any familial norms and customs (e.g. get a good job and be secure vs. live on the dole and wing it). Guess which wins out? Guess which one most successful religions promote? I think the first few minutes of Idiocracy explains it very nicely.

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

SP5, you read my mind.

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

TRWTF is the employ of all this "

ZZZZZZZZZZ

" nonsense, and not just using a proper dummy value like "

(last name withheld)

".

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

(user name withheld):
TRWTF is the employ of all this "
ZZZZZZZZZZ
" nonsense, and not just using a proper dummy value like "
(last name withheld)
".

why not just "."?

noone will notice an extra punct.

Mrs. John. needs to get to principal. instead of Mrs. John Connor needs to get to principal.

2011-09-20 Reply Admin

Abso:
Jeff:
OK now that we've dealt with today's WTF, here's another...So, how have you effectively dealt with moronic situations like this?
Noise-isolating earbuds + mp3 player. If I don't want to listen to music, the earbuds make decent earplugs...

Those noise-isolating earbuds became very popular where I work. In fact, I noticed that everyone in the bullpen was wearing them except me. I actually had to think about this for a few days before I realized what was going on.

Now that I have finally disciplined myself to shut up and focus on my own tasks, my co-workers only need earbuds if they actually want to listen to music.

-Harrow.

2011-09-21 Reply Admin

jonnyq:
Space man:
I call BS. Everyone knows if you can't store a null, just store a zero length string. If that doesn't work, store a single space.
P.S. InB4 "Comment is blank" "null comments not allowed" "ZZZZZ" etc.

I have no understanding of the article at all until this is explained.

Why was empty string not an option? Even if the field is NOT NULL it can still be zero-length string.

Until someone explains that, I'm left to assume Derek is a retard.

Maybe they were using a retarded database product that can't tell the difference between a NULL and an empty string. Yes, you know who your are :-)

Matt Westwood · 2011-09-21 Reply Admin

z00n3$!$:
C-Octothorpe:
I think I would be offended if someone dropped a deuce in my presence... and I hadn't paid her to do it...
Let's not let this turn into defamation of the perfectly natural eroticism of fecal matter:

Fecal matter still contains valuable nutrients. Especially that of the elderly.

Fecal matter is routinely consumed and used recreationally by mammals similar to humans.

Fecal matter has been used to construct dwellings for millennia.

Fecal matter has a variety of textures and so increases the tactile and olfactory variety of lovemaking.

So before anyone expresses disgust for coprophilia, coprophagia, or related practices, I ask: Have you ever tried it? Like I always say: If you say you don't or can't enjoy coprophiliac lovemaking, you've never tried it.

How can you say Poo-Love is any less valid an expression of emotion than Clean-Love?

Don't listen to him - he's talking shit as usual.

Matt Westwood · 2011-09-21 Reply Admin

Beta:
Zolcos:
Derek is the WTF here, not Steve.

I respectfully disagree; Steve is a blockhead, but Derek's manager is the WTF. Derek implemented a horrible cowboy solution, but his manager put him in a position where he had to do it (or something more likely to get him fired). This should have been passed up until it reached someone with the authority to add it to Steve's requirements, but Derek's manager didn't have the spine for that, so he kicked it back down with an order to make the problem go away. He should be issued a mop and bucket and reassigned to new duties.

What, and so by default getting higher priority than IT? Oh I see, reward failure!

2011-09-21 Reply Admin

Jeff:
So, how have you effectively dealt with moronic situations like this? Remember -- he who complains is the troublemaker, not he who engages in offensive behavior all day long.

Counter-attack. I found thid jewel: http://www.bigmouthtoys.com/BMT/Pranks-and-Gags/ANNOY-YOUR-NEIGHBORS-CD But use with care and immunize yourself against that attack with noise canceling/reducing earphones. Good luck nevertheless!

Scarlet Manuka · 2011-09-21 Reply Admin

Jeff:
So, how have you effectively dealt with moronic situations like this?

Have to add another vote here for noise-cancelling earphones + music. Worked wonders for me - I sit next to the Marketing team.

2011-09-21 Reply Admin

So Steve works for Google+ now?

2011-09-21 Reply Admin

Look, people have names, right? And we collect their name. And their name has a last-name part.

And that last bit is where he would be wrong.

Not everybody has a last name.

(In fact, not everybody even has a name - though I imagine that particular problem would be less likely to occur in a school in what is presumably the US.)

2011-09-21 Reply Admin

Darwin's Nephew:
True dat:
Kuba:
There's nothing more long-term annoying than a crying baby.
Which begs for someone to ask the question (see what I did there?) why does the species keep popping them out since they are (a) annoying (b) expensive (c) bad for the environment?

Basic Darwinism. Those who don't reproduce don't contribute to future generations. ....

Basic Darwinism is also the reason why the noise of a crying baby is so annoying to begin with. If it was a pleasant sound there'd be less incentive to make it stop.

2011-09-21 Reply Admin

Jeff:
I think you've all figured it out. Primary key was last name. In case of duplicates, an on insert trigger just appended a space and tried again.
OK now that we've dealt with today's WTF, here's another. I'm on a team of developers that work all day thinking about code. Some manager thought it would be ideal to put us right next to a gang of a-holes who apparently have no work to do, because all they ever do is discuss sports and the lottery and politics and TV. Very loudly. Which makes it impossible for developers to concentrate on code.

Now, the most obnoxious one of them has decided to grace us with his singing skills. I'm to the point where I want to grab my electric stapler by the power cord, start swinging it David and Goliath style, and silence them all with gentle taps to the side of the head.

Want to. Not going to. Also want to keep my job.

So, how have you effectively dealt with moronic situations like this? Remember -- he who complains is the troublemaker, not he who engages in offensive behavior all day long.

Had this issue before, part of managements "we're all a team, lets open-plan everyone into the same place" then promptly return to their quiet office away from the great unwashed.

Actually, this was when I started listening to music during work. On one particularly slow day I put earplugs in and blared the music out through the interoffice intercom... around that time the manager suddenly "realized" how important a bit of peace was for developers. Glad I don't work there anymore though...

2011-09-21 Reply Admin

Jeff:
I think you've all figured it out. Primary key was last name. In case of duplicates, an on insert trigger just appended a space and tried again.
OK now that we've dealt with today's WTF, here's another. I'm on a team of developers that work all day thinking about code. Some manager thought it would be ideal to put us right next to a gang of a-holes who apparently have no work to do, because all they ever do is discuss sports and the lottery and politics and TV. Very loudly. Which makes it impossible for developers to concentrate on code.

Now, the most obnoxious one of them has decided to grace us with his singing skills. I'm to the point where I want to grab my electric stapler by the power cord, start swinging it David and Goliath style, and silence them all with gentle taps to the side of the head.

Want to. Not going to. Also want to keep my job.

So, how have you effectively dealt with moronic situations like this? Remember -- he who complains is the troublemaker, not he who engages in offensive behavior all day long.

Has anybody tried the technique: "Excuse me, gentlemen, would it be possible to keep the noise down a fraction? We need it to be a little quieter in order to be able to do our jobs."

One of the following may happen:

They appreciate the heads-up, realise that their current behaviour is unacceptable, and become significantly quieter and more professional.
They are offended, and become aggressively, confrontationally and even more obnoxiously noisy, in which case you are more than justified in raising the issue with higher management.
No effect, in which case you repeat until either somebody complains to management about you disturbing their analysis of whether Manchester City are better than Chelsea or just lucky, and either i) you get moved away to somewhere else where you don't annoy anybody else with your constant whingeing demands for peace and quiet, or ii) action is taken in your favour to reduce the noise from this team.
Everybody ridicules you bunch of pussies for acting like a bunch of old schoolmarms, in which case you actively start seeking alternative employment.
You get dismissed for lack of ability to be a team player, in which case you take whatever legal action you want to for unfair dismissal.

In my experience, the overwhelming probability is that option 1) happens, with the probability of 3) coming a distant second. I have heard of the occurrences of 2) happening, and they generally have the same outcome as 3) ii). 4) and 5) have a vanishing probability of happening, but I mention them in case you wish to take all the possibilities into account before embarking on the course of action suggested.

Steve The Cynic · 2011-09-21 Reply Admin

Childish:
I have a friend named Zed, and I don't want him elminated. I guess he can't go to Commonwealth Countries.

Someone has to say this...

"Zed's dead, Honey!"

2011-09-21 Reply Admin

Gunslinger:
I can't believe no one has identified the real WTF here, which is the government regulation, of course.

Yes. Inconveniencing developers is too high a price to pay for not turning the Internet into a white pages for pedophiles. Duh. That's the first thing they taught in ethics class. Of course, that professor didn't finish out the semester...

2011-09-21 Reply Admin

shadowman:
Zolcos:
I didn't get it at first. "The Zed-Liminator?" Ah. American English.

Even considering the equally valid "zed" pronunciation of Z, I don't see how you could come to "Zed-Liminator" from seeing "Zliminator". Do you pronounce Zebra as "Zed-ebra" too?

It's presumably supposed to be pronounced like Zee-liminator, a play-on-rhyme with eliminator -- not like sliminator. Sort of like Xray, Qbert, or TBone.

Zebra is pronounced as such because it has an E in it. If it were spelled Zbra, your comment might make sense.

Also, bad example because 'mericans pronounce it like Zee-brah, and brits pronounce it as if it rhymes with Deborah.

And the English have it right, 'cause there are two consonants, not one, so the 'e' is not modified by the 'a'.

GalacticCowboy · 2011-09-21 Reply Admin

IV:
Thanks for the rotting pumpkin idea: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyvN59L4hJU .
(I just looked it up. It is amazing how many "time lapse pumpkin rot" results there are on YouTube)

Living dangerously, eh? Rule 34 will put you off your lunch for a week.

Hatshepsut · 2011-09-21 Reply Admin

Don:
Jeff:
So, how have you effectively dealt with moronic situations like this? Remember -- he who complains is the troublemaker, not he who engages in offensive behavior all day long.
Had this issue before, part of managements "we're all a team, lets open-plan everyone into the same place" then promptly return to their quiet office away from the great unwashed.

Which suggests another possible solution: set up shop in said quiet office because "I can't get any work done with all that noise out there"...

2011-09-21 Reply Admin

Hatshepsut:
Don:
Jeff:
So, how have you effectively dealt with moronic situations like this? Remember -- he who complains is the troublemaker, not he who engages in offensive behavior all day long.
Had this issue before, part of managements "we're all a team, lets open-plan everyone into the same place" then promptly return to their quiet office away from the great unwashed.

Which suggests another possible solution: set up shop in said quiet office because "I can't get any work done with all that noise out there"...

... and then swear loudly at the computer screen continually, as a colleague of mine used to do.

2011-09-21 Reply Admin

Your company sounds terrible and so does your 'solution'.

2011-09-21 Reply Admin

Think of the ...:
I'm sure glad children's privacy is protected (but why not mine?) but the one thing I don't get is how a web site operator is supposed to measure the age of the person at the keyboard. And what if mom steps away to put a load in the washer and her kid starts fiddling with the mouse? Doesn't this require a camera -- and face recognition software -- active on every computer -- just to protect your privacy, of course...

I've seen your mom and nobody wants a camera on her box... and by 'box' I mean 'computer'.

2011-09-21 Reply Admin

Tony:
shadowman:
Zolcos:
I didn't get it at first. "The Zed-Liminator?" Ah. American English.

Even considering the equally valid "zed" pronunciation of Z, I don't see how you could come to "Zed-Liminator" from seeing "Zliminator". Do you pronounce Zebra as "Zed-ebra" too?

It's presumably supposed to be pronounced like Zee-liminator, a play-on-rhyme with eliminator -- not like sliminator. Sort of like Xray, Qbert, or TBone.

Zebra is pronounced as such because it has an E in it. If it were spelled Zbra, your comment might make sense.

Also, bad example because 'mericans pronounce it like Zee-brah, and brits pronounce it as if it rhymes with Deborah.

I think we can all agree (sic) that the English pronunciation is correct. After all, what is American English but a poor, bastardised copy of actual English?

Or, you could check your facts. The way Americans speak NOW is the way the Englishmen spoke 250 years ago. Your the ones who changed, not us. We also still use your perverse measuring systems from yesteryear.

Get to da COPPA!

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