Changing the course of a large company is much like steering the Titanic: it's probably too late, it's going to end in tears, and for some reason there's going to be a spirited debate about the bouyancy and stability of the doors.

Shena works at Initech, which is already a gigantic, creaking organization on the verge of toppling over. Management recognizes the problems, and knows something must be done. They are not, however, particularly clear about what that something should actually be, so they handed the Project Management Office a budget, told them to bring in some consultants, and do something.

The PMO dutifully reviewed the list of trendy buzzwords in management magazines, evaluated their budget, and brought in a team of consultants to "Establish a culture of continuous process improvement" that would "implement Agile processes" and "break down silos" to ensure "high functioning teams that can successfully self-organize to meet institutional objectives on time and on budget" using "the best-in-class tools" to support the transition.

Any sort of organizational change is potentially scary, to at least some of the staff. No matter how toxic or dysfunctional an organization is, there's always someone who likes the status quo. There was a fair bit of resistance, but the consultants and PMO were empowered to deal with them, laying off the fortunate, or securing promotions to vaguely-defined make-work jobs for the deeply unlucky.

There were a handful of true believers, the sort of people who had landed in their boring corporate gig years before, and had spent their time gently suggesting that things could possibly be better, slightly. They saw the changes as an opportunity, at least until they met the reality of trying to acutally commit to changes in an organization the size of Initech.

The real hazard, however, were the members of the Project Management Office who didn't actually care about Initech, their peers, or process change: they cared about securing their own little fiefdom of power. People like Debbie, who before the consultants came, had created a series of "Project Checkpoint Documents". Each project was required to fill out the 8 core documents, before any other work began, and Debbie was the one who reviewed them- which meant projects didn't progress without her say-so. Or Larry, who was a developer before moving into project management, and thus was in charge of the code review processes for the entire company, despite not having written anything in a language newer than COBOL85.

Seeing that the organizational changes would threaten their power, people like Debbie or Larry did the only thing they could do: they enthusiastically embraced the changes and labeled themselves the guardians of the revolution. They didn't need to actually do anything good, they didn't need to actually facilitate the changes, they just needed to show enthusiasm and look busy, and generate the appearance that they were absolutely critical to the success of the transition.

Debbie, specifically, got herself very involved in driving the adoption of Jira as their ticket tracking tool, instead of the hodge-podge of Microsoft Project, spreadsheets, emails, and home-grown ticketing systems. Since this involved changing the vocubulary they used to talk about projects, it meant Debbie could spend much of her time policing the language used to describe projects. She ran trainings to explain what an "Epic" or a "Story" were, about how to "rightsize stories so you can decompose them into actionable tasks". But everything was in flux, which meant the exact way Initech developers were meant to use Jira kept changing, almost on a daily basis.

Which is why Shena eventually received this email from the Project Management Office.

Teams,

As part of our process improvement efforts, we'll be making some changes to how we track work in JIRA. Epics are now to only be created by leadership. They will represent mission-level initiatives that we should all strive for. For all development work tracking, the following shall be the process going forward to account for the new organizational communication directive:

  • Treat Features as Epics
  • Treat Stories as Features
  • Treat Tasks as Stories
  • Treat Sub-tasks as Tasks
  • If you need Sub-tasks, create a spreadsheet to track them within your team.

Additionally, the following is now reflected in the status workflows and should be adhered to:

  • Features may not be deleted once created. Instead, use the Cancel functionality.
  • Cancelled tasks will be marked as Done
  • Done tasks should now be marked as Complete

As she read this glorious and transcended piece of Newspeak, Shena couldn't help but wonder about her laid off co-workers, and wonder if perhaps she shouldn't join them.