Denise

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

...you will need to either:
(a) use an hour from your sick/personal time for each vacation day ... Amber

Dear Amber. Effective immediately I will be taking my 520 hours of accumulated sick leave / personal time. Let me know when it's almost gone so I can send you my resignation.

Have a nice day.

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Sick leave? Accumulated? Lucky. 0 personal/sick time. Vacation does not accumulate and must be taken in 4 hour blocks.

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

dogbrags:
The 10th floor break room will be receiving a new coffee maker. We are hoping that this new coffee maker will work properly! To make room, and to allow more counter space for everyone, the microwave that was over the dishwasher has moved to the table on the south side of the room. The coffee maker will be placed in that new open space.

Translation: I know you all think I never do anything but play solitaire and cruise facebook all day, but this week I actually did something. Please notice, everybody!

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

dogbrags:
the microwave that was over the dishwasher has moved to the table on the south side of the room.

That's unusual. In my experience, microwave ovens have to be moved.

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Jay:
Kiss me I'm Polish:
45 hour weeks? Is that legal?

What, would you prefer that the government dictate that every company in the country must have exactly such-and-such a set of policies? Personally, I'd rather have the option of picking a job with a company whose policies I like -- or at least can tolerate in exchange for the amount they pay or whatever. I've never understood the philosophy that says, "I am completely incapable of deciding what is best for myself and then going out and getting it. I need Big Brother to tell me what is good for me and then make sure I get it."

Actually I'd rather that the government dictated the minimum that all companies HAVE TO give employees and then its up to a company if they want to offer more...

EG.

At my last company I had 25 Days holiday per year (+ Public holidays etc) and a 40 Hour week. I changed to another company which only has 20 days holiday the same 40 hour week but better flexi time and benefits (Bupa, Pension etc) and its more money.

But its good to know that no matter what company I work for I will never get less than 20 days holiday per year and cant be made to work more than 48 hours per week.

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

R Paul:
Anon:
Really hotels should be required to have those lighted strips on the floors like they have on aeroplanes going from the bed to the bathroom.
Required? As in if you don't remodel all your hotels within 6 months we will send people with guns to kidnap you and lock you in a cell?
Really this knee-jerk "OMFG someone bumped his head we need a new law!" mentality is TRWTF. I mean seriously, dude (or ditz), is the government where you live doing such a fantastic job with everything they try to tackle that the biggest problem remaining is one lousy head bump? And do they have money left over to enforce this new law or are they in a pinch like most everywhere else for trying to do way too F-ing much already?

Really the government where you live should require sarcasm detectors to be fixed ASAP.

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

I'm actually quite upset that I deleted it, but I do contract work for a fairly large company, and someone had sent a private email about what to do about some particular person whose name was included in the email, and that it should be kept on the down low. Problem is, sender had copied "All Contractors" on the email. Probably 20-30 people responded saying that they didn't think they were the intended recipients, and one guy snarked about how copying all the contractors in the company was probably not the best way to keep quiet about the matter.

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

WildcatMike:
Recently, someone was talking on the phone and not watching where he was going, and walked into a guard rail in the parking lot. We got a all employee email (to thousands of employees) with a full root cause analysis of the accident and a detailed tip sheet on how to walk safely. It had a lot of great tips like "always look directly ahead and be observant for any obstacles in your path."

I wonder what they'd say after someone gets hit by a car whilst crossing the road due to only looking directly ahead.

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

ShatteredArm:
"I had almost two weeks left over from last week"
Er, that would be two weeks left over from last year.

I was wondering about that. Two weeks per week sounded too good.

da Doctah · 2010-03-04 Reply Admin

[quote user="Severity One"][quote user="M"][quote]2/ Do not flush anything apart from toilet paper (a little at a time) or something which has been eaten first. [/quote] Is this guy aware of how the human body works? If you can't flush anything that has been eaten first, you create a bit of a problem. So what do you do? Go outside behind a bush?[/quote]

Boolean FAIL! The way the directive is worded, you can't tell whether it's:

Do not flush anything { apart from toilet paper (a little at a time) or something which has been eaten first. }

or:

Do not flush anything { apart from { toilet paper (a little at a time) or something which has been eaten first. } }

Only a business-school grad would actually publish something that ambiguous. (Corollary: a business-school grad is incapable of phrasing anything that isn't ambiguous.)

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Bim Job:
fjf:
Alex:
1/ From time to time we all need to use a lot of toilet paper. On these occaisions use a little paper then flush, then use some more and flush. This can be repeated as many times as you need.
I still don't understand this complex procedure. Couldn't he send a flowchart, structogram, or at least some XML?
Be careful what you ask for. Next time, the process will be put on a wooden table, photographed, and faxed to you.

As long as it's just the process and not the product of the process ...

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

There is one country in the "civilized" world where the mandatory paid time off is 0. That's all paid time off, including both vacation and government holidays. Would you care to guess which country it is? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_statutory_minimum_employment_leave_by_country

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Bim Job:
fjf:
Alex:
1/ From time to time we all need to use a lot of toilet paper. On these occaisions use a little paper then flush, then use some more and flush. This can be repeated as many times as you need.
I still don't understand this complex procedure. Couldn't he send a flowchart, structogram, or at least some XML?
Be careful what you ask for. Next time, the process will be put on a wooden table, photographed, and faxed to you.

Or worse... A Photo Montage...

Captcha: enim, An enumerated list of integers...

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Ozz:
From: Clueless Luser She tried rebooting but it just gave her an error.

Dear L. User,

As you may have heard, our software developers are among the most highly paid people in the company. They are required, after every line of code, to test every situation that could have possibly gone wrong, and generate a unique, descriptive error message including suggested fixes. It is then necessary, of course, to test each of these error paths to make sure they work correctly. As a result, a typical 1000 line program has an additional $7,150 worth of time invested in creating the error messages.

However, as I'm sure you've experienced, our software so rarely encounters any of these errors, that the average cost of an error message seen by a User such as yourself, is $1,281.56.

With this in mind, you can understand our policy of deducting the $1,281.56 from an employee's pay when they see one of these error messages but fail to copy it down and report it!

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

[quote user="da Doctah"][quote user="Severity One"][quote user="M"][quote]2/ Do not flush anything apart from toilet paper (a little at a time) or something which has been eaten first. [/quote] Is this guy aware of how the human body works? If you can't flush anything that has been eaten first, you create a bit of a problem. So what do you do? Go outside behind a bush?[/quote]

Boolean FAIL! The way the directive is worded, you can't tell whether it's:

Do not flush anything { apart from toilet paper (a little at a time) or something which has been eaten first. } [/quote] Syntax error ("anything something").

Do you mean:

Do not flush { anything apart from toilet paper (a little at a time) or something which has been eaten first. }

In this case: Semantic error (since "something" becomes "anything" in negations).

So, no ambiguity. (Though you might need more than an LR(1) parser to figure it out.)

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Robb:
Some guy "replied all" with the filled out form and his private information for everyone on that email to see. Took him a good hour to recall it back.

Hold on. Wouldn't recalling it back be up to the recipients who want it back after it's been recalled? Never mind how you'd recall it in the first place, that being something which is only practical with physical items, and even then you'll probably miss some…

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

R Paul:
Anon:
Really hotels should be required to have those lighted strips on the floors like they have on aeroplanes going from the bed to the bathroom.
Required? As in if you don't remodel all your hotels within 6 months we will send people with guns to kidnap you and lock you in a cell?
Really this knee-jerk "OMFG someone bumped his head we need a new law!" mentality is TRWTF. I mean seriously, dude (or ditz), is the government where you live doing such a fantastic job with everything they try to tackle that the biggest problem remaining is one lousy head bump? And do they have money left over to enforce this new law or are they in a pinch like most everywhere else for trying to do way too F-ing much already?

No sir, TRWTF is your broken sarcasm detector.

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Anon:
TRWTF is your broken sarcasm detector.

By golly, I didn't think it was broken. It just won't let me log in. Where can I order a new one?

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Wizard Stan:
There is one country in the "civilized" world where the mandatory paid time off is 0. That's all paid time off, including both vacation and government holidays. Would you care to guess which country it is? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_statutory_minimum_employment_leave_by_country

I would only relocate to the US if I were a business owner. As a 'wage slave' base salaries are generally comparable to Europe but the benefits are terrible. I'm happy to put in the hours when required (unlike some work-to-rule Europeans), but I certainly won't be going to my grave wishing I'd spent as much time at the office as my US colleagues. On the whole we've got things pretty good on this side of the Atlantic.

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

da Doctah:
The way the directive is worded, you can't tell whether it's:
Do not flush anything { apart from toilet paper (a little at a time) or something which has been eaten first. }

or:

Do not flush anything { apart from { toilet paper (a little at a time) or something which has been eaten first. } }

The latter follows the usual rules of precedence. However, given that toilet paper and, er, waste products cannot be flushed but can be flushed out or away, the directive is useless.

Someone You Know · 2010-03-04 Reply Admin

A few months back, we had one of those exciting debacles in which someone emails the entire organization, and then others start to reply-all to it, causing chaos and confusion.

One of the employees who was particularly confused by the concept of "reply all" was using this email signature:

"Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you: Jesus Christ and the American Military."

Note that this person works for a public school district. Not long afterward, an official notice came down from above, banning any personal quotations from signatures on official emails.

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Jay:
I always get a laugh when the company makes some announcement of a new policy that is obviously intended to benefit the bottom line at the expense of the employees, but then they describe it as this great gift that they're giving you.

Yeah we get that too. Our last Christmas holiday party instead of being held at a hotel, like it usually is, it was held in our cafeteria. Nevertheless, we were assured by management that it would still be "classy"! Of course, we were lucky to have a party at all.

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

fjf:
Alex:
1/ From time to time we all need to use a lot of toilet paper. On these occaisions use a little paper then flush, then use some more and flush. This can be repeated as many times as you need.
I still don't understand this complex procedure. Couldn't he send a flowchart, structogram, or at least some XML?

Oh yeah, when I think about XML, suddenly my bowels loosen up.

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Chris:
By golly, I didn't think it was broken. It just won't let me log in. Where can I order a new one?

What can't you log into, and what happens when you try?

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Bryan The K:
Unless the company seriously under-bid the contract and management needs to put the development team on a death march to avoid looking bad.

Let me rephrase that: "If management does a good job, they get huge bonuses. If management does a bad job, the peons rsp. taxpayers have to make up for it."

That is true (as in the actual state of the rotten business world). However, the question was whether this is excusable. This question answers itself.

(I'm asserting that management is in charge of major sales, if they delegated this then they're doing a howwible job a well.)

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

fjf:
Chris:
By golly, I didn't think it was broken. It just won't let me log in. Where can I order a new one?
What can't you log into, and what happens when you try?

But I rebooted! And it still something. (Actually I didn't reboot, but I know you're going to ask me to, so I just always lie and say I did.)

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Anon:
Jay:
I always get a laugh when the company makes some announcement of a new policy that is obviously intended to benefit the bottom line at the expense of the employees, but then they describe it as this great gift that they're giving you.

Yeah we get that too. Our last Christmas holiday party instead of being held at a hotel, like it usually is, it was held in our cafeteria. Nevertheless, we were assured by management that it would still be "classy"! Of course, we were lucky to have a party at all.

Yea, at my last company not only was the Christmas party moved from the hotel to the cafeteria...we had to take vacation time to go to it.

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Milton:
Valued Employees,
While recent inclimate weather may have made made your commute more difficult, our office has remained open.

You are expected to be at your desk at 9:00a.m. Monday-Friday regardless of environmental conditions or loss of office power.

Due to the unique nature of this event, you will not be penalized for absenteeism, but you will be required to use vacation hours for any time missed.

Regards, Management

The "unique nature of this event" was a record 3&1/2 feet of snow during which time the Governor ordered the roads clear of all but emergency personnel.

This very same storm knocked out heat & power to the office, server room, and automatic door locks.

The critical product our company produces - Crappy commercial image editing software...

So I take it you're in the DC/Baltimore/Phllly area? Too bad the governor can't back up his "order" with a little force. It's not really an order but begging. Your management should have been charged with something criminal for forcing the issue on their employees like that. Travel was dangerous and traffic on the roads makes them harder to plow. (I know, fat chance etc.)

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

For the toilet paper one people are missing the most obvious reply.

"What ply does this 12 count rule apply to?"

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

sounds like A company I uSed To woRk fOr.

DES · 2010-03-04 Reply Admin

SR:
In Norway it can be 8 weeks(!) I was stunned when I first heard.

Uh, no. 25 days + fixed holidays + 6 extra days if you're over 60. The only way you can get 8 weeks (40 days) + fixed holidays (which I assume is what you meant) is to be over 60 and save up 9 days from one year to the next (25 + 6 + 9 = 40). Otherwise, the best you can do is seven weeks and two days (25 + 12 saved from the previous year = 37).

Fixed holidays are Jan 1st (New Year's day), May 1st (International Workers' day) and May 17th (Constitution day) + the Christian holidays (Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, Easter day, Ascension, Pentecost, Christmas day) + one extra day each after Easter, Pentecost and Christmas; either ten or twelve days depending on whether you count Easter and Pentecost, which always fall on a Sunday.

In addition, many employers give you the afternoon off on Christmas eve and New Year's eve.

frits · 2010-03-04 Reply Admin

taiki:
Oh yeah, when I think about XML, suddenly my bowels loosen up.

Introducting...

XMLax

DES · 2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Jay:
I've never understood the philosophy that says, "I am completely incapable of deciding what is best for myself and then going out and getting it. I need Big Brother to tell me what is good for me and then make sure I get it."

You may be capable of deciding what is best for yourself. The single mother who flips your burgers at Wendy's is not. It's not that she's dumb or spineless, it's just that she knows her options far too well: cave in or lose her job.

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

This gem came a while ago after an entire floor of the office was flooded. Now, it's bizarre enough when you first read it - but then on second reading you notice there are two actions not to be performed in the toilets. The second is by far the more bizarre of the two. Needless to say I have stopped using any of the dishes in the entire building.

============================= From: Denise ************* Sent: December-17-08 11:38 AM To: ******* Email Users Subject: TOILETS - IMPORTANT PLEASE READ

Good morning Everyone !!!!

We had a serious Flood on the 6th Floor. It was discovered that there was a lot of Food plugging the drains.

Please Please DO NOT flush any food down the toilets. These are low flush toilets and they cannot handle food of any kind. Please use the kitchens to discard food and wash your dishes.

Thanks so very much

Denise

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Dude, I remember that one. I think my reaction was 'Seriously? This was a Stanford student?'

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

45 hour work week? What fresh hell is this?

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Wizard Stan:
There is one country in the "civilized" world where the mandatory paid time off is 0. That's all paid time off, including both vacation and government holidays. Would you care to guess which country it is? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_statutory_minimum_employment_leave_by_country

God Bless America. I love it here!

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

DES:
Jay:
I've never understood the philosophy that says, "I am completely incapable of deciding what is best for myself and then going out and getting it. I need Big Brother to tell me what is good for me and then make sure I get it."

You may be capable of deciding what is best for yourself. The single mother who flips your burgers at Wendy's is not. It's not that she's dumb or spineless, it's just that she knows her options far too well: cave in or lose her job.

You forget her third option: get a better job.

Also, "Single Mom" at Wendy's maybe should have thought twice about having a child if she can't afford to do so...

sstair · 2010-03-04 Reply Admin

This is the contents of an email sent to everyone at the local site (~200 people) of my company a couple years ago.

If you are not feeling well today, I hope you feel better soon.

Maybe you are not feeling well and that is why you decided that it was ok to not clean the toilet seat area after you clearly and most disgustingly befouled it.

I can’t fathom why any adult would do this and leave it this way.

Are you so privileged that you feel this is solely the job of the cleaning staff?
Did you think your peers might find it entertaining?
Are you so self-absorbed that you didn’t even notice?

I have learned to accept many things here:

People not washing their hands - I have learned to always exit with towel in hand and then follow up with GermX
People not flushing - I delude myself into believing it to be a plumbing problem and perform a nice shoe flush
People patting me on the back or making pleasant conversation at the urinal - I just try to ignore it and exit quickly (remembering to use the GermX after washing)

But this? No, I just can’t accept or ignore this. If you did this, and you think you can bestow upon me your outstanding reasoning (perhaps convert me), please drop me a mail or come by my office and explain it.

If anyone has been offended by reading this, I apologize; however, it believe it probably pales in comparison to the offense I have felt.

regards,

Name Withheld

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

At a large DOD firm we received notice that it was a professional courtesy to work 45 per week (even though our salray was based on 40).

My "1/2" hour lunch break at my desk quickly went to being "1-1/2" at the nearest wings joint.

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Subject: Yummy Hot Pockets

It was late, you were hungry and that tasty Hot Pocket was in the freezer by the color printer.

You needed to eat and it was there. I get that.

It’s cool; they’re cheap and I have more at home.

Next time, do me a favor and at least throw away the empty box instead of leaving it in the freezer, teasing me and tricking me into thinking I have lunch here.

For bonus points, leave me an anonymous post-it note on my desk letting me know that my lunch plans need to be changed and I should bring more food.

Thanks in advance,

[Redacted]

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Alkanshel:
Dude, I remember that one. I think my reaction was 'Seriously? This was a Stanford student?'

Note the East Palo Alto bit.

One would assume there's more to the incident than meets the eye.

FriedDan · 2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Anonymous:
OK, I can play:
To: all@<OurCompany>.com From: ---- -------- (HR Manager) Subject: Executive Toys / USB Devices

Dear colleagues,

Following the incident with [redacted] last week, we are implementing new policies on "corporate toys", which includes any non-work-related USB device. Such devices are hereby prohibited under the new policies and any such devices must be removed from your work areas by the end of the day. Additionally, the throwing or launching of any projectiles around the office will not be tolerated and I would remind all staff members that intruding on another staff member's personal space with the use of projectiles or similar may result in disciplinary action.

Thank you

...

Wow, this takes me back. I had a job where we used to do meetings with my boss while tossing a (Nerf) football down the aisle between cubicles. We then graduated to lacrosse which was even more fun, if not as accurate at first.

It was a blast.

Of course I didn't have a cubicle in the line of fire...

(And it's not nearly as cool as USB toys, but this was a few years ago.)

Addendum (2010-03-04 15:53): Heh.... and after reading the rest of the comments...

No, it wasn't UBS like the OTHER person who used to throw around a football. And here I thought it was unique.

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Just so you can all be jealous of my vacation, I work for a fortune 100 company in America. I'm 25 (so you know I have no seniority built up to earn this). We get a standard 3 weeks vacation, plus Holidays, plus enough "floating holidays" to fill up the week between Christmas and New Years, and then some. All in all we get something like 5 weeks of paid time off per year. I think this is pretty sweet, overall.

Though, I don't take my vacation too often. I see it as a nice buffer that they have to pay me in case I get laid off.

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

DODContractor:
At a large DOD firm we received notice that it was a professional courtesy to work 45 per week (even though our salray was based on 40).
My "1/2" hour lunch break at my desk quickly went to being "1-1/2" at the nearest wings joint.

I think I used to work there...you poor person. Might I suggest going to a Jamba Juice and extending the lunch a bit further

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Warpedcow:
DES:
Jay:
I've never understood the philosophy that says, "I am completely incapable of deciding what is best for myself and then going out and getting it. I need Big Brother to tell me what is good for me and then make sure I get it."

You may be capable of deciding what is best for yourself. The single mother who flips your burgers at Wendy's is not. It's not that she's dumb or spineless, it's just that she knows her options far too well: cave in or lose her job.

You forget her third option: get a better job.

Also, "Single Mom" at Wendy's maybe should have thought twice about having a child if she can't afford to do so...

I take it you've never had sex outside of marriage, then? Or changed your mind about anything? Or been beaten up by your spouse? Or had to pay the rent/mortgage/bills when that "better job" just got flushed down the toilet?

It's comments like this that make me think the Cultural Revolution wasn't such a bad idea, after all.

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Warpedcow:
DES:
Jay:
I've never understood the philosophy that says, "I am completely incapable of deciding what is best for myself and then going out and getting it. I need Big Brother to tell me what is good for me and then make sure I get it."

You may be capable of deciding what is best for yourself. The single mother who flips your burgers at Wendy's is not. It's not that she's dumb or spineless, it's just that she knows her options far too well: cave in or lose her job.

You forget her third option: get a better job.

Also, "Single Mom" at Wendy's maybe should have thought twice about having a child if she can't afford to do so...

Perhaps she should have chosen wealthier parents so that she could afford a good college.

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

HP? Yeah...

2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Death Train to Nuneaton:
Bryan The K:
Unless the company seriously under-bid the contract and management needs to put the development team on a death march to avoid looking bad.

But when does that ever happen?

Last year I had to work as a contractor for 6 months with wages equivalent to what I got paid while an intern 6 years ago only because they lied to me about when I'm going to become permanent and get a decent salary.

frits · 2010-03-04 Reply Admin

Hot Pcoekt Monster:
Subject: Yummy Hot Pockets
It was late, you were hungry and that tasty Hot Pocket was in the freezer by the color printer.

You needed to eat and it was there. I get that.

It’s cool; they’re cheap and I have more at home.

Next time, do me a favor and at least throw away the empty box instead of leaving it in the freezer, teasing me and tricking me into thinking I have lunch here.

For bonus points, leave me an anonymous post-it note on my desk letting me know that my lunch plans need to be changed and I should bring more food.

Thanks in advance,

[Redacted]

I totally thought this was going to be a safety message about not burning the roof of your mouth.

More Best of the EmaiL

Denise

This is the contents of an email sent to everyone at the local site (~200 people) of my company a couple years ago.

Leave a comment on “More Best of the EmaiL”