• Dave (unregistered)

    It always pays to learn how to write a resume that includes such important information as this :)

  • Dave (unregistered)

    Ooh...

    This candidate really emphasizes his/her advanced knowledge as a technician by their effective use of the internet...

  • (cs)

    I guess the guy is pretty average...

  • Stormy (unregistered)

    Back in the .com days I saw a lot of resumes.  The one that stands out like no other (and in a bad way) was one that contained the below image.  The guy working next to me was also interviewing the guy so we're reviewing the resume that the recruiter gave to us 10 mins before the interview so we could peruse.  Well we both cracked up when we saw that image - black and white about 5inches square - on the last page.  We did a courtesey interview that lasted about 5 minutes even though the decision not to hire was a forgone conclusion.  In all fairness, the rest of the resume was nothing too impressive.

    Ah the dotcom days... when idiots showed up to interviews in jeans and thought they were worth 100K.

    [image]
  • C++ Guy (unregistered)

    Apart from the obvious irony of an error like,

    "Rafael need someone who knew how"

    being included in this posting, t    his bit confuses me just a tad,

    "difficulties in spelling the technologies they were proficient in (e.g.: Micro Soft Visuals: Basics, C, C+, C#, C++, Java, Internet)."

    This is how I spell C++. Apparently Stroustrup also spells it like this. What am I missing here?

  • first time anonymous poster (unregistered) in reply to Stormy

    I worked for a company that went by a three-letter acronym.  We once had a guy come for an interview during the dot-com days who had the acronym shaved into his (fairly short) hair.

    He never mentioned it, and neither did we.

    He was not hired.

  • Anon (unregistered)

    hmm, average programming knowledge, I guess that like if you stop some random person in the street and ask them to tell you all they know about programming

  • (cs) in reply to C++ Guy
    Anonymous:

    "difficulties in spelling the technologies they were proficient in (e.g.: Micro Soft Visuals: Basics, C, C+, C#, C++, Java, Internet)."


    This is how I spell C++. Apparently Stroustrup also spells it like this. What am I missing here?

    Look through the rest of the list...  [;)]

  • (cs)

    I'm sorry, but we're looking for someone who is just slightly above average. We understand that your expertise at operating the Internet makes you a more valuable employee, but frankly our Kazaa department is full at the moment, and there are no incoming projects that will require your MS Paint skills.

    As for being an Acrobat Reader expert and WinZip enthusiast...the programs are fairly self-explanatory, don't you think? And Acrobat is a read-only environment...you're basically saying you can double-click a PDF and read it, and somehow this is a skill that sets you apart from others.

    Finally, Visual Basic is a programming language (as stated on the first line), not a database (as stated on the second line). You can hook into databases with any of the programming languages you claim to know (except MS-DOS, which is more of an operating system than a language). I'm confused by that part, so I'll just drop it.

    Thank you for your resume. Just sit by the phone and wait, holding your breath until we call. I can't guarantee that we'll be able to read your phone number after we've used your resume as toilet paper, so you may be waiting awhile.

    -Management

     

    In other news, I got a look at one of my coworker's resumes. At the bottom of his list of skills (all of which included software packages he looked at or used one time years and years ago) he put this gem:

    "Height and weight proportional"

  • (cs)

    He really knows how to trumpet his web design skills: http://some-ugly-as-hell-web-site-made-with-an-online-page-builder/

    Also... didn't he even misspell Kazzaa?

     

  • (cs) in reply to C++ Guy
    Anonymous:
    Apart from the obvious irony of an error like,

    "Rafael need someone who knew how"

    being included in this posting, t    his bit confuses me just a tad,

    "difficulties in spelling the technologies they were proficient in (e.g.: Micro Soft Visuals: Basics, C, C+, C#, C++, Java, Internet)."


    This is how I spell C++. Apparently Stroustrup also spells it like this. What am I missing here?

    I think Alex was saying that he sees that kind of crap on resumes that quickly get introduced to the Recycle Bin.

  • Kooch (unregistered) in reply to GalacticCowboy

    I would have hired him, just to have him download mp3s for me all day with his mad kazaa skills.

  • (cs) in reply to benvenista
    benvenista:

    He really knows how to trumpet his web design skills: http://some-ugly-as-hell-web-site-made-with-an-online-page-builder/

    Also... didn't he even misspell Kazzaa?

     

    Yes, he did misspell Kazaa.

    Apparently it's not so easy to spell correctly, eh?

  • (cs) in reply to C++ Guy
    Anonymous:

    this bit confuses me just a tad,

    "difficulties in spelling the technologies they were proficient in (e.g.: Micro Soft Visuals: Basics, C, C+, C#, C++, Java, Internet)."

    This is how I spell C++. Apparently Stroustrup also spells it like this. What am I missing here?



    It's Microsoft, not Micro Soft. Also, since when does Microsoft make a Visual Basics, Visual C, Visual C+, Visual Java, or Visual Internet?

    Still confused?
  • Jake (unregistered) in reply to Stormy

    Honestly, this is one of my favorite paintings. It is by pop artist Roy Lichtenstein, and it is entitled 'Grrrr'. Chances are, if I had been the one interviewing, this would have created a bonus in the guys favor. Too bad the rest of his resume was (presumably) poor.

  • Jake (unregistered) in reply to Stormy

    Sigh... I knew of the forum bugs, but still they bite me. Once more:

    Honestly, this is one of my favorite paintings. It is by pop artist Roy Lichtenstein, and it is entitled 'Grrrr'. Chances are, if I had been the one interviewing, this would have created a bonus in the guys favor. Too bad the rest of his resume was (presumably) poor.

  • (cs) in reply to Stormy
    Anonymous:

    Back in the .com days I saw a lot of resumes.  The one that stands out like no other (and in a bad way) was one that contained the below image.  The guy working next to me was also interviewing the guy so we're reviewing the resume that the recruiter gave to us 10 mins before the interview so we could peruse.  Well we both cracked up when we saw that image - black and white about 5inches square - on the last page.  We did a courtesey interview that lasted about 5 minutes even though the decision not to hire was a forgone conclusion.  In all fairness, the rest of the resume was nothing too impressive.

    Ah the dotcom days... when idiots showed up to interviews in jeans and thought they were worth 100K.

    [image]


    After registering... lets try.

    Honestly, this is one of my favorite paintings. It is by pop artist Roy Lichtenstein, and it is entitled 'Grrrr'. Chances are, if I had been the one interviewing, this would have created a bonus in the guys favor. Too bad the rest of his resume was (presumably) poor.

  • Nagoff (unregistered) in reply to first time anonymous poster

    I once interviewed a chap who's CV helpfully explained that the reason he only obtained a 2:2 for his CS degree was because he was stressed due to being charged with murder at the time.
    I made sure I took a colleague into that interview and again needless to say we didn't make any job offers that day...

  • JS (unregistered)

    Ah yes, good old Micro Soft Visual C+. Easier than Micro Soft Visual C, but not as taxing as Micro Soft Visual C++. The Goldilocks porridge of development environments, really.

  • BJ (unregistered) in reply to Dave

    I once was given a resume that included knowledge of "microphone" and under hobbies simply listed "trampoline"

  • (cs) in reply to Manni

    I'm the submitter of today's story.

    The original URL was changed to protect the (female, by the way) author of that resume, but I can assure you that it's horrible. And when I think that she would have been paid for that piece of crappy "black-background-with-java-applets-acting-as-hyperlinks" page, it just becomes worse.

    Oh, yes, and the page is about horses. Nothing more to say about it. ;)

    But you are right, benvenista, she did misspell Kazaa. As a matter of fact, here in Spain lots of people like that chick misspell program names in their resumes. I've seen many resumes with the names "Excell", "Acces", "Front Page", and my all-time favorite: "Bisual Vasic".

  • (cs) in reply to Shepmaster
    Shepmaster:
    Anonymous:

    Back in the .com days I saw a lot of resumes.  The one that stands out like no other (and in a bad way) was one that contained the below image.  The guy working next to me was also interviewing the guy so we're reviewing the resume that the recruiter gave to us 10 mins before the interview so we could peruse.  Well we both cracked up when we saw that image - black and white about 5inches square - on the last page.  We did a courtesey interview that lasted about 5 minutes even though the decision not to hire was a forgone conclusion.  In all fairness, the rest of the resume was nothing too impressive.

    Ah the dotcom days... when idiots showed up to interviews in jeans and thought they were worth 100K.

    [image]



    After registering... lets try.

    Honestly, this is one of my favorite paintings. It is by pop artist Roy Lichtenstein, and it is entitled 'Grrrr'. Chances are, if I had been the one interviewing, this would have created a bonus in the guys favor. Too bad the rest of his resume was (presumably) poor.

    I just know there are potential employers who refuse to interview me based strictly on artistic grounds after receiving my resume wrapped in yellow and red Saran wrap and adorned with a 4x6 photo of my bathtub. It's my way of weeding out undesirables - who would *want* to work with such philistines?

    No appreciation of the arts, I tell you - what's this world coming to, anyways?

    The best resume I ever rejected made liberal use of bullet points, each one with a unique bullet icon *and* font. Made my eyes bleed.

  • (cs) in reply to Manni

    The candidate probably didn't want to mention his/her below-average spelling skills explicitly....

  • (cs) in reply to KenW
    It's Microsoft, not Micro Soft. Also, since when does Microsoft make a Visual Basics, Visual C, Visual C+, Visual Java, or Visual Internet?

    Still confused?

    Microsoft has had a Visual C product for a long time. In fact, I think I have the CD in one of my old MSDN subscription tomes.

  • (cs) in reply to eth0
    eth0:
    I'm the submitter of today's story.

    The original URL was changed to protect the (female, by the way) author of that resume, but I can assure you that it's horrible. And when I think that she would have been paid for that piece of crappy "black-background-with-java-applets-acting-as-hyperlinks" page, it just becomes worse. Oh, yes, and the page is about horses. Nothing more to say about it. ;) But you are right, benvenista, she did misspell Kazaa. As a matter of fact, here in Spain lots of people like that chick misspell program names in their resumes. I've seen many resumes with the names "Excell", "Acces", "Front Page", and my all-time favorite: "Bisual Vasic".




    Further proof that broads can't program.

    Am I being sarcastic?

    Sincerely,
    Richard Nixon

  • (cs) in reply to Manni

    yikes... thanks for pointing that out.. I'll have to update my resume

  • (cs) in reply to Nagoff
    Anonymous:
    I once interviewed a chap who's CV helpfully explained that the reason he only obtained a 2:2 for his CS degree was because he was stressed due to being charged with murder at the time.
    I made sure I took a colleague into that interview and again needless to say we didn't make any job offers that day...


    Well, wouldn't you be stressed if you had a murder charge hanging over you? Frankly, the fact that he got a "2:2" (I have no idea what that means or what the colon signifies, perhaps a typo and he got a 2.2?) is impressive. With the recent release of Civ IV, I've been barely able to get anything done. I can only imagine how police lineups and interviews would impact me.

    Sincerely,
    Richard Nixon
  • (cs) in reply to Manni
    Manni:
    benvenista:

    He really knows how to trumpet his web design skills: http://some-ugly-as-hell-web-site-made-with-an-online-page-builder/

    Also... didn't he even misspell Kazzaa?

     

    Yes, he did misspell Kazaa.

    Apparently it's not so easy to spell correctly, eh?



    *ahem* actually it's KaZaA
  • (cs) in reply to Richard Nixon
    Richard Nixon:
    eth0:
    I'm the submitter of today's story.

    The original URL was changed to protect the (female, by the way) author of that resume, but I can assure you that it's horrible. And when I think that she would have been paid for that piece of crappy "black-background-with-java-applets-acting-as-hyperlinks" page, it just becomes worse. Oh, yes, and the page is about horses. Nothing more to say about it. ;) But you are right, benvenista, she did misspell Kazaa. As a matter of fact, here in Spain lots of people like that chick misspell program names in their resumes. I've seen many resumes with the names "Excell", "Acces", "Front Page", and my all-time favorite: "Bisual Vasic".




    Further proof that broads can't program.

    Am I being sarcastic?

    Sincerely,
    Richard Nixon


    Broads don't bother me as much as php and/or perl "programmers".  Now that's an oxymoron if there ever was one.  And then there's that whole AS400 thing.
     :-O

  • (cs)

    He actually has more technical qualifications than my old boss did.

  • (cs) in reply to Sean
    Sean:
    He actually has more technical qualifications than my old boss did.


    Mine too.  I actually had a boss who REQUIRED every IF statement to have a corresponding ELSE and no negative logic.  So instead of coding:

    If not true
       [insert code here]
    end if

    You had to code
    If true
      [don't do anything but it's still required]
    else
      [insert real code here]
    end if

    as well as

    If true
      [insert code here]
    end if

    Had to be written
    if true
       [insert code here]
    else
       [no code, just filler because it is required]
    end if
  • (cs) in reply to C++ Guy
    Anonymous:
    Apart from the obvious irony of an error like,

    "Rafael need someone who knew how"

    being included in this posting, t    his bit confuses me just a tad,

    "difficulties in spelling the technologies they were proficient in (e.g.: Micro Soft Visuals: Basics, C, C+, C#, C++, Java, Internet)."

    This is how I spell C++. Apparently Stroustrup also spells it like this. What am I missing here?


    (e.g.: Micro Soft Visuals: Basics, C, C+, C#, C++, Java, Internet)."

    1. I think they usually have it as 1 word.
    2. Plural?
    3. I do not belive these were ever 'Visuals', as the resume puts it.
    4. Ah, I think this is from a different company...
    5. I was always under the impression that Al Gore invented the internet      ^o)
  • (cs) in reply to Maurits
    Maurits:
    Manni:
    benvenista:

    He really knows how to trumpet his web design skills: http://some-ugly-as-hell-web-site-made-with-an-online-page-builder/

    Also... didn't he even misspell Kazzaa?

     

    Yes, he did misspell Kazaa.

    Apparently it's not so easy to spell correctly, eh?



    *ahem* actually it's KaZaA

    Bah, I spelled it correctly, you're just arguing a capitalization issue. Ha ha! I win teh prize!

  • (cs) in reply to Nagoff
    Anonymous:

    I once interviewed a chap who's CV helpfully explained that the reason he only obtained a 2:2 for his CS degree was because he was stressed due to being charged with murder at the time.

    I made sure I took a colleague into that interview and again needless to say we didn't make any job offers that day...

    Ahh yes. Being charged with murder is definitely the same as having committed it.

  • Anonymous (unregistered)

    This reminds me of the site http://resumedoctor.com/WorstResumes.asp. It contains bad resumes meant to provide guidance on what not to do.

  • (cs) in reply to richleick
    richleick:
    Sean:
    He actually has more technical qualifications than my old boss did.


    Mine too.  I actually had a boss who REQUIRED every IF statement to have a corresponding ELSE and no negative logic.  So instead of coding:

    If not true
       [insert code here]
    end if

    You had to code
    If true
      [don't do anything but it's still required]
    else
      [insert real code here]
    end if

    as well as

    If true
      [insert code here]
    end if

    Had to be written
    if true
       [insert code here]
    else
       [no code, just filler because it is required]
    end if


    I think our bosses may have been neck and neck.  Maybe it was even the same guy -- did he avoid taking on valuable or necessary projects for fear or "shaking the Jell-O?"
  • (cs) in reply to eth0
    eth0:
    ...As a matter of fact, here in Spain lots of people like that chick misspell program names in their resumes. I've seen many resumes with the names "Excell", "Acces", "Front Page", and my all-time favorite: "Bisual Vasic".


    Spain?  Well that explains everything.  I don't speak spanish, but I can see how it would be easy to mis-translate some things.  Microsoft could easily be translated into a 2 word spanish name like Micro Soft.  Just like in English - US we say "The red dog", but in French (and I think Spanish as well) it actually translates to "the dog of red". Heck, even English - UK has a different version that goes "The bloody red dog is a wee pup". 


  • (cs) in reply to Stormy
    Anonymous:

    Back in the .com days I saw a lot of resumes.  The one that stands out like no other (and in a bad way) was one that contained the below image.  The guy working next to me was also interviewing the guy so we're reviewing the resume that the recruiter gave to us 10 mins before the interview so we could peruse.  Well we both cracked up when we saw that image - black and white about 5inches square - on the last page.  We did a courtesey interview that lasted about 5 minutes even though the decision not to hire was a forgone conclusion.  In all fairness, the rest of the resume was nothing too impressive.

    Ah the dotcom days... when idiots showed up to interviews in jeans and thought they were worth 100K.

    [image]



    I don't remember sending you my resume!
  • (cs) in reply to Sean
    Sean:
    richleick:
    Sean:
    He actually has more technical qualifications than my old boss did.


    Mine too.  I actually had a boss who REQUIRED every IF statement to have a corresponding ELSE and no negative logic.  So instead of coding:

    If not true
       [insert code here]
    end if

    You had to code
    If true
      [don't do anything but it's still required]
    else
      [insert real code here]
    end if

    as well as

    If true
      [insert code here]
    end if

    Had to be written
    if true
       [insert code here]
    else
       [no code, just filler because it is required]
    end if


    I think our bosses may have been neck and neck.  Maybe it was even the same guy -- did he avoid taking on valuable or necessary projects for fear or "shaking the Jell-O?"


    I wish.  Instead he still thought he was a programmer and tried to "correct" things himself.  You can imagine how that went.  I think our version log probably looked something like this:  correction of correction of correction of correction...

    You get the point.
  • (cs) in reply to richleick
    richleick:
    Mine too.  I actually had a boss who REQUIRED every IF statement to have a corresponding ELSE and no negative logic.

    Sounds good. Thanks for the tip.
  • (cs) in reply to trollable
    trollable:
    richleick:
    Mine too.  I actually had a boss who REQUIRED every IF statement to have a corresponding ELSE and no negative logic.

    Sounds good. Thanks for the tip.


    I don't know about the "corresponding ELSE" bit.  But writing positive logic is a good idea.  You avoid things like

    if (!(foo != null) || (!bar != !baz))

    Even if it means writing things like

    if (thing.works()) {
        // good
    }else {
        complain("thing not working!");
    }

    rather than

    if (!thing.works()) { complain("thing not working!"); }
  • (cs) in reply to richleick
    richleick:
    Sean:
    He actually has more technical qualifications than my old boss did.


    Mine too.  I actually had a boss who REQUIRED every IF statement to have a corresponding ELSE and no negative logic.  So instead of coding:

    If not true
       [insert code here]
    end if


    The examples, mercifully snipped, are crazy.  I admit that I have occasionally coded an if without a true:
    <font size="2">   if very complex expression that I want the negative of
       else
          do this
    </font>It is clearer than:
    <font size="2">   if !(very complex expression that I want the negative of)
          do this
    </font>if the expression has a lot of brackets.

    Sincerely,

    Gene Wirchenko

  • (cs) in reply to richleick
    richleick:

    Broads don't bother me as much as php and/or perl "programmers".  Now that's an oxymoron if there ever was one.  And then there's that whole AS400 thing.
     :-O


    Be careful on the perl front.  A lot of very good programmers use perl.  They also know when not to use perl.
  • (cs) in reply to benvenista
    benvenista:

    He really knows how to trumpet his web design skills: http://some-ugly-as-hell-web-site-made-with-an-online-page-builder/

    Also... didn't he even misspell Kazzaa?

     



    I'm pretty sure there was a relevant site there, but that long name was substituted for posting purposes.  I would die laughing if I saw a website named that, though. 

    hah

    .jc
  • (cs) in reply to Maurits
    Maurits:
    trollable:
    richleick:
    Mine too.  I actually had a boss who REQUIRED every IF statement to have a corresponding ELSE and no negative logic.

    Sounds good. Thanks for the tip.


    I don't know about the "corresponding ELSE" bit.  But writing positive logic is a good idea.  You avoid things like

    if (!(foo != null) || (!bar != !baz))

    Even if it means writing things like

    if (thing.works()) {
        // good
    }else {
        complain("thing not working!");
    }

    rather than

    if (!thing.works()) { complain("thing not working!"); }

    I like positive logic as much as the next guy (I'm a glass is half full type of person :-)  and I agree there is a time to use it.  But to actually require it just drove me crazy.
  • (cs) in reply to Maurits
    Maurits:
    trollable:
    richleick:
    Mine too.  I actually had a boss who REQUIRED every IF statement to have a corresponding ELSE and no negative logic.

    Sounds good. Thanks for the tip.


    I don't know about the "corresponding ELSE" bit.  But writing positive logic is a good idea.  You avoid things like

    if (!(foo != null) || (!bar != !baz))

    Even if it means writing things like

    if (thing.works()) {
        // good
    }else {
        complain("thing not working!");
    }

    rather than

    if (!thing.works()) { complain("thing not working!"); }


    This is an area where I really like Perl's idiomatic use of 'or'...

    thing.works() or complain("thing not working!");

    ... It is a very clear way to program when you have grown accustomed to it.  The leftmost statements also comprise the normal program flow and the the right side of compound statement provide handling for "exceptional" conditions.
  • (cs)

    I almost always shit-can any resume which lists an "exhaustive" set of packages and skills, rather than a set appropriate for the position they are seeking.  The killer on these are office productivity apps.  If you are applying for a job as a developer, you better damn well know how to write a document in a word processor or use a spreadsheet.  Don't tell me about clerical skills when I need a programming job.  It just makes you look like an idiot.

    Instead, highlight the skills and packages that have relevance.  I usually hire for Java and database skills.  Sybase, DB2, Oracle, and SqlServer experience is relevent.  Java and J2EE are relevent.  C++, dot-octothorpe, and smalltalk are relevent in that significant chunks of experience can translate nicely to java.  I don't care about PowerPoint.

  • (cs) in reply to RevMike
    RevMike:
    richleick:

    Broads don't bother me as much as php and/or perl "programmers".  Now that's an oxymoron if there ever was one.  And then there's that whole AS400 thing.
     :-O


    Be careful on the perl front.  A lot of very good programmers use perl.  They also know when not to use perl.


    Yes.  For a task that's a too tricky/inappropriate for a shell script, but still small, perl is usually the best answer.  CPAN is a beautiful thing.
  • (cs) in reply to dabocla
    dabocla:
    benvenista:

    He really knows how to trumpet his web design skills: http://some-ugly-as-hell-web-site-made-with-an-online-page-builder/

    Also... didn't he even misspell Kazzaa?

     



    I'm pretty sure there was a relevant site there, but that long name was substituted for posting purposes.  I would die laughing if I saw a website named that, though. 

    hah

    .jc

    What do you mean?  I was under the impression that every site built in MS FrontPage was hosted there but because of domain name aliasing and masking we don't see it.

    Off to GoDaddy to register www.iheartmsfrontpage.com.
    Actually, I just want to look at Candice Michelle some more.  SMOKIN'!
  • (cs) in reply to richleick

    richleick:

    Broads don't bother me as much as php and/or perl "programmers".  Now that's an oxymoron if there ever was one.  And then there's that whole AS400 thing.
     :-O

    I used to put AS400 experience on my resume (I actually do have said experience). I removed it after I realized that having it on there just encourages somebody to try and hire me to work on those systems.

    I removed my COBOL information for much the same reason. And if you tell my employer that I know COBOL then I will murder you in your sleep, I swear it.

     

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