The Daily WTF: Curious Perversions in Information Technology

2012-02-01 Reply Admin

MyNameIsSteve:
TWTF is contractors that know anything about software development best practices!

Which is why they get paid the big bucks....

Process is for turkey's who can't produce quality software on the fly

2012-02-01 Reply Admin

Nagesh:
I am unfortunately have many peple working above me. It is being overly warm inside at newly-started job. Senority having permision to work under tarp.
[image]

It's the old joke about the monkeys at the top shitting on the monkeys down the bottom. When the bottom monkeys look up, all they see is a bunch of assholes

method1 · 2012-02-01 Reply Admin

Chip:
As a developer, I want people to know it if I single-handedly managed a large codebase for an Excel VBA script used by Debbie in Accounting. That demonstrates my bullshitting skills.

A highly competitive field - you might be a bullshitter, but are you an Enterprise Bullshitter? Do you have bullshit certification? Can you talk absolute shite while looking deadly serious?

Matt Westwood · 2012-02-02 Reply Admin

Calli Arcale:
:):
Jo:
I am intrigued as to what (other than a shithouse) a toilet might be that would make this all gross. Unless a shithouse is not a synonymn for restroom/bathroom/washroom/lavatory/loo
A literal toilet. You know, like one big porcelain thing that seats 8.

Irony: "toilet" is actually a euphemism. It comes from the French "toilette" and it means the process of cleaning yourself up and making yourself presentable first thing in the morning, with possible touch up toilettes later in the day. The word eventually came to mean the room where one did this (so, basically synonymous with "washroom"). In some anglophone countries, such as the United States, it peculiarly came to mean the actual commode upon which one sits to eliminate.

So the confusion here is that in America, a "toilet" refers to the porcelain throne, while in many other countries, it refers to the room containing said fixture. The confusion is increased by the existence of actual "two-seater" commodes....

In England we have bypassed the entire euphemism by referring to the whole business as "the bog".

Unfortunately, in certain rural areas where transportation is minimal and the road network is rudimentary, a short distance to travel on foot can result in the lateness excuse "Sorry, I got stuck in the bog" to have two meanings.

2012-02-02 Reply Admin

C-Octothorpe:
Paul Neumann:
It sounds like Josh has a chip on his shoulder and is the real glory hog in this story. Just because you don't understand industry best practices doesn't mean they are meaningless or that the person enforcing them is stupid. The original developers were flexible enough to adapt to the contractor's style, but the contractors couldn't take being managed properly by a real project manager. That is TRWTF!
Meh, 2/10. You might get a few bites...

-1; failure to distinguish "Josh" from "Doug" -1; failure to distinguish "contractor" from "developer" or "PM"

<...snip all the bs about industry standards; presumably our troll-du-jour asserts that Doug's way is the industry standard...>

< although, TBH, Doug's way is the industry norm...>

2012-02-02 Reply Admin

Matt Westwood:
Jack:
Nagesh:
First: Is it easy to look for job? Answer this? Yes.
Second: Is it easy to get job? Answer this? No.

It bothers enough me when people ask a question, only to answer it in the same breath. Somehow you've made this twice as annoying.

Tell me, did you even consider this phrasing?

Nagesh:
It is easy to look for a job, but not easy to get one.

Yes it is. It's a piece of cake when you're competent.

You fool! Look what you did. Matt has answered Q1 and/or Q2. Clearly he agrees it is easy to [look for|get] another job as he is competent at [looking for|getting] said.

+1 for Nagesh for asking two questions which could be answered with two answers

+10 for Matt's inadvertant ambiguity.

What does the PM think? => "Yes and a third"

2012-02-02 Reply Admin

C-Octothorpe:
mike:
For all the pricks, who think, its easy to get a job, there's ten quid here that says you haven't had the need to look for one.
It is, easy, to get a jo,b as long as you,'re not a complete moron, who* struggles with , ,, punctuation;

that struggle's

$blackthings (pot, ^kettle)

2012-02-02 Reply Admin

mike:
For all the pricks, who think, its easy to get a job, there's ten quid here that says you haven't had the need to look for one.

"It's easy to get a job, that subset of all pricks that think. I am willing to gamble that you haven't been involuntarily unemployed."

2012-02-02 Reply Admin

That doesn't even make sense!

Ah, let me guess. You're a contractor?

C-Octothorpe · 2012-02-02 Reply Admin

a highly-placed source:
C-Octothorpe:
mike:
For all the pricks, who think, its easy to get a job, there's ten quid here that says you haven't had the need to look for one.
It is, easy, to get a jo,b as long as you,'re not a complete moron, who* struggles with , ,, punctuation;

that struggle's

$blackthings (pot, ^kettle)

I never said grammar, just punctuation. Read people, READ!

Kivi · 2012-02-02 Reply Admin

C-Octothorpe:
a highly-placed source:
C-Octothorpe:
mike:
For all the pricks, who think, its easy to get a job, there's ten quid here that says you haven't had the need to look for one.
It is, easy, to get a jo,b as long as you,'re not a complete moron, who* struggles with , ,, punctuation;

that struggle's

$blackthings (pot, ^kettle)
I never said grammar, just punctuation. Read people, READ!

Looks like AHPS has successfully trolled C#. There's nothing wrong with "who" here, and some would prefer it to "that".

2012-02-02 Reply Admin

luptatum:
PiisAWheeL:
Fred:
It also draws something far more sinister: project managers
Indeed.
who want to steal that glory for themselves.
But you repeat yourself.
Project Managers are TRWTF, 9.7 times out of 10.

I have a theory that a Project Manager is actually just a 7-line VB loop:

"Is it done yet?"

"When will it be done?"

GO TO 1
I like how you are billing for 4 lines of white-space ;)

That reminded me of a few times I heard some bozo devs (especially conducting job interviews) brag about their app, like: "this app has 20 thousand lines of code, you know" (like, that's a measure of anything related to features or quality).

When I worked for the government, there were two key measures of success for a project or department:

Did you spend your entire budget?
Did you produce a lot of paperwork?

There was one project (that I managed to disassociate myself from because I had some self-respect) that spent $100 million and never delivered any working code. But they had a big ceremony where the project team was given an award for producing the most paperwork of any project in the agency. Really. This is not a joke. Well, it is a joke, but it's also true.

2012-02-02 Reply Admin

Fred:
I have a theory that a Project Manager is actually just a 7-line VB loop:
"Is it done yet?"

"When will it be done?"

GO TO 1

No, that's not project managers, that's 5 year olds on a car trip. Oh, wait, pretty much the same thing. Never mind.

2012-02-02 Reply Admin

I've seen many times that a project gets behind schedule, and so a project manager is put in charge to get things back on track. And his strategy usually amounts to holding regular meetings to discuss how far we are behind schedule. So if you can't get enough done working 8 hour days, clearly the solution is to spend 7 hours a day working and 1 hour a day talking about how much still needs to be done.

2012-02-02 Reply Admin

a highly-placed source:
<...snip all the bs about industry standards; presumably our troll-du-jour asserts that Doug's way is the industry standard...>
< although, TBH, Doug's way is the industry norm...>

public static void main(String[] args) {
Object industryStandard, industryNorm, bestPractices;
assert industryStandard == industryNorm;
assert bestPractices != industryStandard;
}

And just to practice industry standard, be sure to run that with assertions disabled!

2012-02-02 Reply Admin

Kivi:
C-Octothorpe:
a highly-placed source:
C-Octothorpe:
mike:
For all the pricks, who think, its easy to get a job, there's ten quid here that says you haven't had the need to look for one.
It is, easy, to get a jo,b as long as you,'re not a complete moron, who* struggles with , ,, punctuation;

that struggle's

$blackthings (pot, ^kettle)
I never said grammar, just punctuation. Read people, READ!
Looks like AHPS has successfully trolled C#. There's nothing wrong with "who" here, and some would prefer it to "that".

I didn't think so either, but wasn't prepared to say so for fear of getting into a death-match with Grandma Nazi....

2012-02-02 Reply Admin

Jay:
I've seen many times that a project gets behind schedule, and so a project manager is put in charge to get things back on track. And his strategy usually amounts to holding regular meetings to discuss how far we are behind schedule. So if you can't get enough done working 8 hour days, clearly the solution is to spend 7 hours a day working and 1 hour a day talking about how much still needs to be done.

You must be new at this caper. It's all about visibility. Nothing needs to be happening as long as the PM can make things visible (some might say their magicians).

Essentially, the key is to be able to have your daily meeting (which is not effective unless it blows out to 90 minutes or more at least twice a week) where we can discuss issues such as lost productivity (just don't can the meeting).
Hopefully, if nothing else, from this we can produce some PowerPoint slides (blue background) with some charts, predominently yellow (either for "better than last week" or for "not totally up the shit yet") with largish patches of green (celebrating the fact that the team has not killed each other yet, and has made some promises on deliverables, possibly even met with the client/business a couple of times) and some little patches of red. Of course, the graph is carefully "weighted" (on a logarithmic scale) so that the trivialties we have completed (green) take more area of the chart than the significant work running behind (red) and the abundance of yellow shows a realistic view that life goes on as does the project.
This presentation should then be printed on colour on A3 paper, and handed out to client and developer alike at a big "Status Meeting" (held weekly if possible). Such a meeting should take no less than 3 hours (and include stale biscuits and water - there is an eerie parallel to gaol, where many people are forced to do nothing and eat stale biscuits with water). Any challenges to the accuracy or statementas implying the charts are misleading should be countered with "I don't think you're seeing the full story, perhaps you didn't read the email I sent last week" (Always be vague - they can't deny you never sent any email, whereas if you specifically describe the email someone may claim they never got it). Any other questions (such as "when will we actually see something useful?") should be fobbed off with statements like "Uhm...sorry, I haven't got that precise information on hand at the second, perhaps if we take this offline...." or "I'll have someone look into it and get you an answer" (notice by stating someone else is going to look into it you are preemptively covering your butt because you can always blame this unknown entity when you fail to deliver a reply).
Eventually, the client begins to realise that this one-year project is 3 years behind. At this point it is important not to duck into a corner. Instead, hold meetings, blameshift (where possible to the client) and babble meaninglessly about the "resourcing difficulties in the current market due to the downturn after the GFC".
Additionally, use phrases like "...due to gaps in requirements that were not originally realised to be in scope, we may have {may have, be vague} underestimated some of the intricacies in developing a solution, and have been severely hindered by the complexities resulting from the missed detail". Probably also a good time to highlight the problems that are a legacy from PM's before you, and emphasise how well you have coped given the absolute mess created by your predecessor.
If asked to cite examples it's time to bring out all your best catch phrases and cliche's. "Looking at the big picture, it is important to move forward and remember that every cloud has a silver lining, so you should never count your chickens before they hatch (after all, what goes around comes around). In the grand scheme of things it is important not to listen to the spin others may put on it and realise some of our data may not draw an accurate picture, so we have been careful not to put the cart before the horse and learn from mistakes made in the past{never say 'our mistakes'}. As we move ahead into the newest phase of the game, we are nearing exciting times as we can see the light at the end of the tunnel (no, it's not a freight train coming the other way...hehehe) and we are reaching a critical milestone in the current project". I think my record was 10 cliche's in a single sentence, and the more you can get in the faster the heads will spin as you talk, and there will be little opportunity to interfere.
Now is also a good time to highlight that you are a Tech-Savvy PM, and refer often to your tablet (iPad would be best) and be sure to hum and ha about times, looking up some imaginary calendar on your phone (cell). The real hardcore PM's also seize the opportunity to show their technical nous and will talk about XML, Java, Enterprise, Cloud and may even talk about our "Mainframe Solaris Box".
Don't be put off by the angry (or puzzled looks from the techos - they are your underlings and should never question your decisions or knowledge {public sackings of 'trouble makers' should keep them in line nicely}, it is more important here to impress the business). It is also important never to lie. Don't tell people you sent an email that you didn't, instead ask "didn't you get my email" (or better still, because it puts the blame back on them "Didn't you read my email" (you never assert you sent it - the same is true of bills, you never say "The Cheque's in the mail", you ask whether they got your cheque). When you feel it is impossible not to lie, try to blame someone else, for example if asked: "What is the status of XYZ" we can blame someone (preferably someone not present) and say "Jim hasn't got back to me on that in explicit detail, so I'm unsure whether the data he has provided me to date is quite accurate"

Scary how carried away I got....maybe I could make PM yet....

Silverhill · 2012-02-02 Reply Admin

a highly-placed source:
C-Octothorpe:
a complete moron, who* struggles with , ,, punctuation;
* that struggle's
$blackthings (pot, ^kettle)

Just in case you're merely an ignoramus instead of a troll -- or do I repeat myself? -- (a) 'who', instead of 'that', is the preferred term for reference to persons. (b) third-person-singular (present tense) forms of verbs are NOT formed with an apostrophe. (Neither are most plurals, for that matter.) "Struggles" is indeed correct here.

Prosthetic Lips · 2012-02-02 Reply Admin

Ben Jammin:
Larry:
Project Manager 2.0:
  print "OK can I say it is " percent * 1.3 " percent done then?"
  read no
  ignore no
I love this. Mine always do this to my quotes, and I've learned to adapt. For a project that will take me 80 hours, I say 100. This way, when they tell me I only get 80 (despite telling them 100) I look like a hard worker for pushing harder, and they look good for "managing well". This is better than saying 80 and only getting 60, because when it takes 80, the project is now over-budget, poorly-managed, and lazily-developed.

Unfortunately, you are only partially right. This happens to me, but instead of being "poorly-managed" it comes down to just "poorly-developed." The poor management never gets acknowledged. The PMs are always praised for doing so much, and then, like Doug, are moved up to "save" another project that needs to be saved (pronounced, "in serious trouble for nearly making their deadlines").

2012-02-03 Reply Admin

I'm not bitter:
Paul Neumann:
Jeff:
C-Octothorpe:
print "Hmm, last week you said it's " percent * 1.1 " percent done."
So where is it written that status meetings have to be weekly? Imagine if we held them every 8 working days instead. Productivity would jump 60%!
You are quite correct. Daily status meetings make for shorter meetings and more productive time which is monitored.
I once worked with a PM who insisted on four-hour daily status meetings.
The really surprising thing was that the project was only four weeks late.

All the time was invoiced, and oddly he doesn't work for us now. He doesn't even work in our industry now...

Sometimes I wonder what he's doing. Then I check his LinkedIn profile and it makes the rest of my day so much better.

I've been on a project where it went fairly similar. Everybody arrives at 9am. Daily status meeting starts at 10am. It should take 10 - 15 minutes, but the PM kept it way out of its scope, resulting in it finishing sometime between 11 and 11:30am. Lunchbreak from 12:00 til 13:00.

So work actually started in the afternoon, after wasting half a day.

2012-02-03 Reply Admin

Is that a suppository up my ass or are you just happy to see me?:
PiisAWheeL:
Is that a suppository up my ass or are you just happy to see me?:
PiisAWheeL:
Just to piss off the fist kiddies! :)
So urine is your preferred secretion, huh? How far do you have to reach in to make that happen?
I image if you apply the right amount of pressure in the right spot, the poor thing will have no way to prevent it happening.

Ah.... So young, so confused, so supple...
No, My preferred secretion is brain matter extracted with high velocity lead.
Oh, lord, a gun nut.

People like you ought to be shot.

FTFY

2012-02-03 Reply Admin

Anketam:
What kind of schedule padding is this? Normal rule is double. So if it takes in theory 1 week to do you say 2 weeks*. Then you explain that the * means just your part and does not factor in all the other parts that will come after it and should be or have to be done, for example: testing, integration, and QA. So when it is all said and done that one week fix really gets/needs 6+ weeks of schedule to pull it off.
And that does not even factor in padding for spending time on the The Daily WTF.

I usually pad by 1.5. I had someone ask for an enhancement to a large system used by the whole company. They said "It's only 5 lines of code, you could have written and deployed in the time we talked about it". How do you explain requirement gathering, acceptance, scheduling, testing, integration, etc. to someone like that ? Not to mention we were striving for 99.94% uptime so we couldn't just bring the system down for every little change [ and yes , we had to ring the system down for this ].

redundantman · 2012-02-03 Reply Admin

THE PROJECTS MANAGERS! THE!

2012-02-05 Reply Admin

Bring your laptop to the meeting and work on code while you're there.

2012-02-06 Reply Admin

No, TRWTF is that the contracting firm didn't have it's own competent project managers in the 1st place to keep the client's fucked up PMs out of the whole mess.

2012-02-08 Reply Admin

justme:
Anketam:
What kind of schedule padding is this? Normal rule is double. So if it takes in theory 1 week to do you say 2 weeks*. Then you explain that the * means just your part and does not factor in all the other parts that will come after it and should be or have to be done, for example: testing, integration, and QA. So when it is all said and done that one week fix really gets/needs 6+ weeks of schedule to pull it off.
And that does not even factor in padding for spending time on the The Daily WTF.
I usually pad by 1.5. I had someone ask for an enhancement to a large system used by the whole company. They said "It's only 5 lines of code, you could have written and deployed in the time we talked about it". How do you explain requirement gathering, acceptance, scheduling, testing, integration, etc. to someone like that ? Not to mention we were striving for 99.94% uptime so we couldn't just bring the system down for every little change [ and yes , we had to ring the system down for this ].

I've had a similar PM once. During sprint plannings, we had to give our estimates. He'd then go: "Oh, that won't take 8 hours! It's five clicks and it's done! I'll put 1 hour for it" He'd then be surprised that 1. the project ran behind schedule and 2. the devs refused to work weekends to get back on schedule.

2012-02-13 Reply Admin

Not to be project managing.

2012-02-15 Reply Admin

Sounds like a Doug I used to know. Last name wouldn't be Barge by chance?

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