• Ned (unregistered) in reply to ¯\(°_o)/¯ I DUNNO LOL
    ¯\(°_o)/¯ I DUNNO LOL:
    Are they using the URL for keyword storage?
    That's nothing compared to some "news" sites that seem to store the entire article text (two paragraphs, one sentence each) in the URL.
  • Larry (unregistered)

    I love projects with no requirements!

    Consultants: Our people can do it in six weeks.

    Me: We'll do it in five weeks.

    --- five weeks pass, during which I copy some old code, change a couple words to look kinda like the current project, and spend the rest of the time reading TDWTF ---

    Me: OK it's done!

    Consultants: But it doesn't do X.

    Me: Oh, you wanted X? That wasn't specified anywhere. Here, let me add X to this document I'm working on. Ahh, there we go.

    Now that counts as a change, which of course means we'll need to recalculate the deliverable date. Do you have any other changes to request?

  • Quirkafleeg (unregistered)

    The tension couldn't have been that bad - black pudding is lovely!

  • Russ (unregistered)

    Remy - no unicorns, no semi-funny comments? You're slippping.

  • (cs)

    When did this happen?

    Because that really old meme predicted it more than eight years ago on this site!

  • (cs) in reply to dpm
    dpm:
    This would be funnier if it were not so grossly exaggerated; all the sci-fi references are just gilding a potential lily.
    I think you mean 'gilding an actual turd'
  • (cs) in reply to Russ
    Russ:
    Remy - no unicorns, no semi-funny comments? You're slippping.
    You're mother is sipping. My penis.

    Because she totally loves those unicorns that appeared when i clicked on "But they are not yet documented.".

    Arrange yourself an appointment with an oculist, you're ability to "View Source" is waning!

  • (cs)

    "Salsa is the Mexican ketchup. Marinara is the Italian ketchup. And English food is terrible." - Jim Gaffigan

  • mainframe web dev (unregistered) in reply to snoofle
    snoofle:
    article:
    “Requirements are 100% complete!” Consultant Three-of-Four repeated. After an uncomfortable pause, he continued, “But they are not yet documented."
    A good way to get rid of annoying forced-upon-you consultants in this case is to LET THEM DO IT! They claimed they can implement it in six weeks. Easy. Tell them they must provide you the written requirements right now and you will validate what they deliver in six weeks. If they can't provide the completed requirements, then they have zero credibility and a solid case for fraud and removal can be made.

    The above also works when a coworker wants to rewrite an existing system for philosophical reasons.

  • PRMan (unregistered) in reply to Steve The Cynic
    Steve The Cynic:
    Remy Porter:
    I almost used Yorkshire pudding instead, which is closer to a pudding and is also vile.
    There's only one word for you here.

    "Wrong".

    Although I'm tempted to add a second word.

    "Philistine" or maybe "Heathen".

    And if your Yorkshire pudding is measurable with the word "thick" (other than a measure of dimensions) it hasn't been cooked enough to set properly.

    Properly made and cooked YP will set, and be that correctly-cooked colour sometimes called "golden brown". It should have risen a bit around the edges, and for the best results, you pour the batter into the roasting tin, with the joint of beef on a rack above it. If you do this, the YP catches all the meat juices and tastes just heavenly. Making gravy from the juices is a bit of a problem afterwards if you do this, but you can't win them all.

    It's British food. We've all tasted it. It's gross. You guys aren't fooling anyone.

  • not the consultant (unregistered)

    Some time ago the new boss screamed at me in a meeting because I asked to see the specifications for the system I was told to build.

    I didn't stay long.

  • PRMan (unregistered) in reply to eric76
    eric76:
    Al:
    My personal experience is that the consultants get paid a large amount of money to recommend that you spend more money on their own IT services whilst the internal IT may in return be given a few days and no information on the requirements to quote for work to be done within the company. Guess the consultants have a sales team and internal IT teams don't so you can never win.

    I used to work at one company where the consultants left the computer services completely alone. This was back in the early 80s.

    Up until sometime in the late 1970s, the company purchased time on a remote computer to do their accounting. At some point they hired a computer manager to come up with recommendations for and to install and manage a computer system. After looking around, he proposed buying a PDP-11/70.

    The consultants (from one of the biggest accounting/consulting firms) had a fit. They wanted the company to buy an IBM mainframe since they could pick up lots of consulting revenue from that. They didn't see any future in the company getting a PDP-11/70. They finally convinced the Senior VP to fire the new computer manager using the logic that a PDP-11/70 was an engineering computer, not an accounting computer, and that it was therefore unable to handle the accounting. The Senior VP then called the computer manager into the meeting at end of which he would be fired. He had already hired a replacement.

    Just that very morning, the latest Datamation had arrived. The lead story was something about one of the really big banks (Citibank, I think), buying a number of PDP-11/70s to handle much of their processing. When the consultants started talking again about how a PDP-11/70 was an engineering computer and not an accounting computer, the manager asked how long had Citibank been in the engineering business. When the Senior VP asked what he meant, he showed them the Datamation magazine. The Senior VP looked at it a minute, canceled the meeting, and then called up the replacement he had already hired and told him that the position was no longer available.

    The accounting/consulting firm nearly got canned in the process. After that, the consultants were so traumatized by the events, they left the computer department completely alone.

    The good old management by what they read in a misinformed CIO magazine. That never works out, but it sounds like one time it did.

  • (cs) in reply to laoreet
    laoreet:
    Couldn't you have included everyone's favorite Borg? Voyager's 36 of D, of course.
    I believe that's canonically "Two of 38".
  • Chelloveck (unregistered)

    I used to work with a guy who used the word "done" to mean "I have a working proof-of concept." Which led to all sorts of great conversations like,

    "What's your status on the foobar project?" "It's done." "Good, then check it in; I'm waiting for it!" "Oh, well, the code won't be ready for a couple of weeks yet."

    Good times, good times...

  • Anon (unregistered) in reply to Steve The Cynic
    Steve The Cynic:
    And I'm happy, because I just got back from lunch where I had ... kidneys!

    I just threw up in my mouth.

  • (cs) in reply to HomeBrew
    HomeBrew:
    no laughing matter:
    First WTF: only five consultants in the meeting. Traditionally it must be nine.

    TRWTF: No 7-of-9 in the story!

    MMmmmmmmmm, 7-of-9.

    We probably have President Obama because of Jeri Ryan. The Chicago newspapers sued to have her divorce papers unsealed so they could use them to attack Jack Ryan. She claimed in the divorce proceedings that Jack had taken her to sex clubs and pressured her to participate. Ryan, who was several points behind but still had a few months to catch up, was forced to drop out of the race, and Alan Keyes was hastily inserted. Obama won handily, and we all lost... except for perhaps the lawyers.

  • (cs)

    I would very much like to read the version of this WTF without the Remy in it.

  • ¯\(°_o)/¯ I DUNNO LOL (unregistered) in reply to Ned
    Ned:
    ¯\(°_o)/¯ I DUNNO LOL:
    Are they using the URL for keyword storage?
    That's nothing compared to some "news" sites that seem to store the entire article text (two paragraphs, one sentence each) in the URL.
    To be fair, in a lot of news sites, the headline is added to the URL simply to give you a clue about what you're about to click on. The web site itself ignores those and only looks at the magic numbers at the start of the URL.

    Those are, of course, the sites that are perfect for spreading around hoax "article" links.

  • (cs) in reply to Retief

    Did you know the delete comment button doesn't actually delete the comment?

  • Mr.Bob (unregistered) in reply to The Count
    The Count:
    The RWTF is what happened to the fith consultant?

    The fifth consultant was being an unnecessary obstacle. We ate him on the 14th. Digestion is 100% complete!

  • Mr.Bob (unregistered) in reply to MrBester
    MrBester:
    Steve The Cynic:
    Hmm. When I lived there (over 20 years ago, how time flies when you're having fun), it wasn't illegal, or not in the states where I lived (NY, NH, MA), because you could sometimes (but not so often) get them in normal supermarkets. The main reason for their scarcity did seem to be related to a dislike of the idea of eating something that does what kidneys do.

    Then again, that was before all the BSE stuff blew up in Britain. It later caused problems in the US - a colleague at the US branch of a company I worked for around 2000 was banned from giving blood in the US because he had spent too much time in the UK, eating potentially contaminated meat.

    That's a bit rich, considering how many haemophiliacs in UK got Hep C from contaminated blood products from US.

    Aside: Captcha has been used before as autocomplete suggested it. Nice.

    I can confirm this. Being a US-er, I was barred from donating blood for many years because I was in Spain for two years in the late 90s. The American Red Cross has since changed the rules, so continental Europe is ok now, but 6 months or more in the UK during that time still earns you a spot on the indefinite deferral list.

  • Paul Neumann (unregistered) in reply to ¯\(°_o)/¯ I DUNNO LOL
    ¯\(°_o)/¯ I DUNNO LOL:
    Mike:
    I'm sure that brains, because the BSE, are illegal to sell, so it's now impossible to eat deep fried brains, like these

    http://ricette.donnamoderna.com/var/ezflow_site/storage/images/media/images/ricette-importate/secondo/carne/cervella-fritta-dorata/piatto-pronto-portauova-uova-cervello-tagliere-ciotola-ciotolina-legno-formaggio-cucchiaini-di-legno/39165231-1-ita-IT/piatto-pronto-portauova-uova-cervello-tagliere-ciotola-ciotolina-legno-formaggio-cucchiaini-di-legno_dettaglio_ricette_slider_grande3.jpg

    That URL is a WTF by itself. Are they using the URL for keyword storage?

    [zombie]BRAAAAAAAAINSSSSSSSSSSS!!![/zombie]

    That's the ezflow url. The hardflow url is much more complicated.

  • ptProgrammer (unregistered) in reply to Steve The Cynic

    My Mum had a special muffin tin just for Yorkshire Pud. Heat tin in oven, while meat is still in, when you pull the meat out, spoon 1tsp of the fat off the bottom of the roasting pan, for each muffin tin, THEN pour the batter into the muffin tins, (maybe 2 tbs per muffin cup)

    That way you get gravy & Pudding.. Yummy.

  • (cs)

    I'm reminded of a certain 3-letter computer company I dealt with one time. They assured my my problem was priority 1. After much struggle, I discovered that the "priority" doesn't mean anything; instead they have another field on their problem reports that is called,...I don't remember for sure; let's just call it "Urgency".

    So their Helpdesk is glad to give your problem "priority 1"; but if you don't make them define their terms and find out about "urgency", then your problem goes nowhere.

    So the guys in this masterful WTF have a system where "100% done" doesn't mean "done". It means something else. Something like:

    We've completed the building. But there's just a few irrelevant details left. Like foundation. And walls. And floors. And plumbing. And electrical. But the building is 100% complete!
  • jc (unregistered)

    lol @ the cornify thing :D

  • Daniel (unregistered)

    All your requirements are belong to us

  • Debtfiler (unregistered)

    meh - requirements are for the weak

  • JJ (unregistered) in reply to lesle
    lesle:
    The best way to cook kidneys is to boil the piss out of them.
    <rimshot>
  • Harold (unregistered) in reply to Remy Porter
    Remy Porter:
    It's even worse- I believe it's illegal to sell the kidneys. I know it's illegal to sell the lung, which is why you can't make "real Haggis" in the US. It's hard to get offal in the US, which is sad, because I'd be up for trying some.

    It may be illegal to sell your kidneys and lungs but you can always try the web "http://organselling.com/"

  • (cs) in reply to no laughing matter
    no laughing matter:
    You're mother is sipping. ... you're ability to "View Source" is waning!
    Arrange yourself an appointment with an English teacher before you display such ignorance again. Your (in)ability to use the language is a sure sign that you're an ass ... or a troll.
  • (cs) in reply to chubertdev
    chubertdev:
    "Salsa is the Mexican ketchup. Marinara is the Italian ketchup. And English food is terrible." - Jim Gaffigan

    We like it, and what's more, we won't have to share it with cultural peasants like you. All the more for us.

  • (cs) in reply to PRMan
    PRMan:
    Steve The Cynic:
    Remy Porter:
    I almost used Yorkshire pudding instead, which is closer to a pudding and is also vile.
    There's only one word for you here.

    "Wrong".

    Although I'm tempted to add a second word.

    "Philistine" or maybe "Heathen".

    And if your Yorkshire pudding is measurable with the word "thick" (other than a measure of dimensions) it hasn't been cooked enough to set properly.

    Properly made and cooked YP will set, and be that correctly-cooked colour sometimes called "golden brown". It should have risen a bit around the edges, and for the best results, you pour the batter into the roasting tin, with the joint of beef on a rack above it. If you do this, the YP catches all the meat juices and tastes just heavenly. Making gravy from the juices is a bit of a problem afterwards if you do this, but you can't win them all.

    It's British food. We've all tasted it. It's gross. You guys aren't fooling anyone.

    The reason you don't like it is because we don't use sugar. You disgusting bitches even put sugar in your mustard, in your baked beans, in your gherkins, in your fucking tinned carrots you fucking philistines.

  • (cs) in reply to ptProgrammer
    ptProgrammer:
    My Mum had a special muffin tin just for Yorkshire Pud. Heat tin in oven, while meat is still in, when you pull the meat out, spoon 1tsp of the fat off the bottom of the roasting pan, for each muffin tin, THEN pour the batter into the muffin tins, (maybe 2 tbs per muffin cup)

    That way you get gravy & Pudding.. Yummy.

    Meat ... muffin ... bun in oven ... gravy ... you're not talking about sex again, are you? Mmmmmmm ... food ... sex ... chicken ...

  • (cs) in reply to Matt Westwood
    Matt Westwood:
    The reason you don't like it is because we don't use sugar. You disgusting bitches even put sugar in your mustard, in your baked beans, in your gherkins, in your fucking tinned carrots you fucking philistines.

    How do you think we pancreatically deficient feel about it?

  • neminem (unregistered)

    I would like to point out one thing about English food: these things are frelling tasty, and come from England. The little pasty shops all over were one of my favorite things about London (that and the Tube, really.)

    This article, on the other hand, had a pretty funny punchline, that could have honestly stood quite well on its own (if it wasn't made up from scratch too, along with the rest of it). The rest of it except the last sentence... I could've lived without reading it. There's a difference between inserting a reference to something into a nominally-true story, and turning a nominally-true story into a reference to something...

  • Brent (unregistered) in reply to PRMan
    PRMan:
    It's British food. We've all tasted it. It's gross. You guys aren't fooling anyone.

    That might be true of some British cuisine, but not the Yorkshire pudding. You put out YP and people who've never seen it before will just assume its some type of dinner roll. Even after tasting it. A very rich and eggy sort of bread product.

  • Simon (unregistered) in reply to Vlad Patryshev
    Vlad Patryshev:
    Ha. Once I had spent 4 hours in my boss's office when he was trying to convince me to sign requirements that were (to me) a pile of incoherent crap. Them being complete...

    Well, from what you say, they were complete. Complete crap, possibly, but then, the consultant never said what aspect of them was complete.

  • Ingeneur (unregistered) in reply to neminem
    neminem:
    these things are frelling tasty, and come from England.

    Don't let the Cornish here you say that. (Not the part where you call pasties tasty - that they'd probably agree with you on that. Rather the part about where they come from England.) It's not quite so bad as the Scots or the Welsh, as technically Cornwall is officially part of England - though you have to factor in the wounded pride about not being at least nominally independent, which on the whole brings the ire right back up to about the same level.

  • Drew (unregistered)

    Is it strange that all the consultants sounded like Daleks instead of borg in my head?

  • MaxDZ8 (unregistered)

    Uhm... I take for granted the poster added some salt to this. Those quotes are not real quotes... are they?

  • (cs) in reply to MaxDZ8

    In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss.

    In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian.

  • Shinobu (unregistered) in reply to JJ

    Ah, kidneys. Depending on how long you cook them, they either smell like urine and taste just as foul, or they taste of nothing at all.

  • QJo (unregistered) in reply to ochrist
    ochrist:
    In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss.

    In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian.

    No no no, completely wrong.

    A successful man has: An English house A German car A French chef A Japanese wife An American salary

    An unsuccessful man has: A Japanese house A French car A German chef An American wife An English salary

  • (cs) in reply to Mike
    Mike:
    I'm sure that brains, because the BSE, are illegal to sell, so it's now impossible to eat deep fried brains, like these

    http://ricette.donnamoderna.com/var/ezflow_site/storage/images/media/images/ricette-importate/secondo/carne/cervella-fritta-dorata/piatto-pronto-portauova-uova-cervello-tagliere-ciotola-ciotolina-legno-formaggio-cucchiaini-di-legno/39165231-1-ita-IT/piatto-pronto-portauova-uova-cervello-tagliere-ciotola-ciotolina-legno-formaggio-cucchiaini-di-legno_dettaglio_ricette_slider_grande3.jpg

    Nominated for perhaps the longest link (other than application generated session dependent ones) that I have ever seen.

    Looks tasty too.

  • (cs) in reply to Silverhill
    Silverhill:
    no laughing matter:
    You're mother is sipping. ... you're ability to "View Source" is waning!
    Arrange yourself an appointment with an English teacher before you display such ignorance again. Your (in)ability to use the language is a sure sign that you're an ass ... or a troll.
    Welcome to the-daily-WTF forum!

    The rules are simple; to be exact there is only one rule: Troll or you will be trolled!

    YHBT. YHL. HAND.

  • Al (unregistered)

    Liver and bacon anyone?

  • Anonymous Penguin (unregistered) in reply to PRMan
    PRMan:
    It's British food. We've all tasted it. It's gross. You guys aren't fooling anyone.

    A gross of Yorkshire puddings? Sounds like heaven!

  • (cs)

    No consultant company in India will take this risk of going to meeting without documentation.

  • Anon (unregistered) in reply to operagost
    operagost:
    HomeBrew:
    no laughing matter:
    First WTF: only five consultants in the meeting. Traditionally it must be nine.

    TRWTF: No 7-of-9 in the story!

    MMmmmmmmmm, 7-of-9.

    We probably have President Obama because of Jeri Ryan. The Chicago newspapers sued to have her divorce papers unsealed so they could use them to attack Jack Ryan. She claimed in the divorce proceedings that Jack had taken her to sex clubs and pressured her to participate. Ryan, who was several points behind but still had a few months to catch up, was forced to drop out of the race, and Alan Keyes was hastily inserted. Obama won handily, and we all lost... except for perhaps the lawyers.

    Regardless of your opinion of black pudding, yorkshire pudding or English food in general, we can all agree that your grapes are exceptionally sour.

  • P (unregistered)

    Of course the software can be designed and implemented in six weeks - just look here.

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